What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Habit #3 – The Medical Exemption
During your school days, how many of you went on a fieldtrip in a big, yellow bus? Personally, I loved being free from the confines of the classroom for a few hours. It was always adventure. On an *FFA trip one my buddies got sick from smoking a big, green cigar he’d snuck on the bus. He spewed puke across four seats—with an hour ride still ahead of us.
Another memorable trip was a tenth grade biology trip to the sewer plant (no, we weren’t greeted by Ed Norton). We toured the entire facility and saw first-hand how raw sewage is processed. The solids were dumped in mountainous mounds across a large field. The most important thing I learned from that trip, was how to spread it around.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the bus driver on this fieldtrip of 100 word adventures is Ralphetta Kramden Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Failing body parts and malfunctioning organs are the heavy artillery in the Master Procrastinator’s arsenal. Not only is it unethical to force a person to perform a task which might further aggravate an injury, it’s also grounds for a lawsuit.
To help sell the medical exemption, I recommend practicing your grimace and other facial expressions of pain and agony in front of a mirror daily. It doesn’t hurt to work on your vocal tones either. The last thing you want to do is come across as whiny or pitiful, both of which kill any sympathy you may have accrued.
*Future Farmers of America
-The above is an excerpt from “The SevenSix Habits of Highly Effective Procrastinators.” This helpful essay and more can be found in One Idiot Short of a Village, which can be ordered by clicking on the cover (found on your right), or by emailing the author.
51 Comments on “Habit #3 – The Medical Exemption”
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What's So Funny? 
Dear Boxley Hairloom,
I see that you’ve proven your point as a Highly Effective Procrastinator by showing up late this week putting you at #63 on in the Hollywood Square.
As a mime I’m pretty good at facial expressions and I can really get my grimace on. That being said, please go to the back of the bus or it’s to da moon. Your whoopee cushion is not allowed on board or it will be keeping company with your joy buzzer.
Shalom and keep your hands inside the bus,
Raphetta Kramden W(T)F
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Dear Ralphetta Kramden W(T)F,
I confess, I didn’t get up a midnight on Wednesday to post a Friday story. No one will ever accuse me of being an over-acheiver. After all, I’m still chasing my dream of mediocrity.
Actually, I like being at the back of the bus. That keeps the action in front of me and gives me plenty of room to ponder my next fantastic adventure.
Keep your eyes on the road and your hands upon the wheel, Ralphie
Boxley Hairloom
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Russell you are really funny!!
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Eeuuuwwww… makes for a long bus ride, that’s for sure!
And, I doubt many mothers would fall for that pitiful attempt at getting out of doing anything she asked you to…
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You might be able to fool your boss, my wives and mothers aren’t easily convinced.
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Like I said.. 😉
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Reblogged this on Musings on Life & Experience and commented:
Another free double feature from the witty brain of a great storyteller. If you want more of this humorous entertainment, Russell has made it easy for you. Just slip over the right of the blog and click on the cover of one (or both) of his books. If you want to help him even more, you can reblog this post again.
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Thank you, Suzanne. I appreciate it. Hopefully some readers will find all the Habits of Highly Effective Procrastinators useful in the daily life.
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Both those field trips you described had lively fragrances attached, Russell. I pity anyone who lived downwind of the sewer plant. I’d also guess the land value was a bit less. 😀 — Suzanne
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Yes, but at least the puke was cleaned up and the odor gone after one day. Almost 50 years later, we can still smell the sewer plant. It’s even worse in damp, humid weather and the odor carries for miles.
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That’s rough. 😦 — Suzanne
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You have a gift for smelly tales, bless your heart.
Tracey
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Smelly tails? Are you making a pun?
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I am pro castination too. I’ll comment on this one next week.
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I’ll be waiting.
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Ha! Took a while to move on to the story from the descriptive introduction but I finally got to it. I think I am going to switch from practising yoga to practicing my grimace. I feel my body will thank me for it.
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I put off reading this yesterday until today. 😀 Excellent stories!
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Was it due to a medical reason?
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Yes, I was working on an expression of agony 😀
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You’ve outdone yourself this week, Russell. Reminding me of “field trips” taken with a bus full of junior high boys? Not nice. Not nice at all.
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Thanks, Linda. I bet you have some great stories of those trips.
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Oh yes. Their favorite words are “fart” and “puke” and “barf.”
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Interesting field trips … puke and pooh! The yellow school bus reminded me of the 70’s when my older brother and his friends saved and bought an old one, gutted it, painted it, and rode around to gigs for their band. I was a bit of a groupie and felt so cool and privileged to ride in it; though, it smelled suspiciously like puke most of the time (thankfully not like pooh). =)
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–R & B – what a coincidence – I have “puke and poo” in my What pegman saw fiction – and I had not yet been here to Russell’s wittty piece. So fun when ideas are in sync…
__
and Brenda how fun your bro had a band bus
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I’ll have to read your What Pegman Saw story. It was indeed fun as a sixteen year old (with a really cool eighteen your old brother) to hang out with the band. They were pretty good too if I may say so myself. =)
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well it is gone (too late, too late – ha) but I will share something else later –
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I played in a band too. We hauled our stuff in an old green Dodge van. It smelled of stale beer.
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How fun for you, Russell. =)
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you are so funny and I look forward to checking out more of your work.
and here – I just would have added one word.
any sympathy
to
any “respectable” sympathy
–
but it works exactly the way your wrote it
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You’re right. “Respectable” would have been a worthy addition.
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🙂
peace
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Thank you. I am very good at procrastinating but always willing to up my game. Your hints will def help.
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Injuries real, or imagined, keep a person from having to perform a lot of tasks. By the way, my fingers are killing me. I will finish this comment later . . .
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LOL
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Nice self help tip. Procrastination is my birthright. What a joy to postpone the inevitable.
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You’re right. There’s no greater accomplishment than being late to your own funeral.
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The field trip sounds like a poor alternative to the classroom, although I do remember re-decorating the music room myself in third year at junior school. You should meet my husband if you want lessons in procrastination – the constantly refilling toilet is his masterpiece.
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You were a junior for three years? WOW! I’m impressed. I wasn’t in a hurry to graduate, but I didn’t put it off that long. Congratulations on a stunning achievement.
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Maybe you should’ve applied for a medical exemption for the field trip to the sewage plant. I’m sure that smell is etched in your memory forever!
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Indeed it is, but at least it gave me something to write about. In fact, life is full of little adventures that we might not have enjoyed at the time, but look back on and laugh.
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Yep, the only good reason to go through suffering is to have something to write about afterwards.
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I think I see how you can use those tricks to get away from the sewage plant and puke on the bus… no you have to do it just right to get sympathy…
I recommend limping in a subtle way…. and then say you might be able to make it, and you are so sorry asking for support…
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Thanks for the limping tip. It sounds like you’ve had some experience in this area, Bjorn.
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You should walk with a limp in such a way it looks like you are trying to hide it…
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Ooh, you managed to get both vomit and a huge pile of human waste into your intro – a first for anyone, surely! 🙂 As we age, the main thing we need to practice in the mirror is smiling – decades of gravity make as all look like a sad clown!
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Thanks Lynn. You’d think I’d earn some type of reward or medal for getting two vile things in my intro, but so far the Queen hasn’t offered to knight me.
I’ve tried practicing smiling, but it doesn’t get me out of work. But then again, neither does looking pitiful. I’m afraid Connie is onto all my tricks.
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Maybe I can put in a word for you with the Queen – she’s very open minded 🙂
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LOL. Huge smiles on my face as I contemplate how I can incorporate this routine into my life 🙂
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Enjoyed it.
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I love your blog. Thanks for search informative article.
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Hmmmmm.. I had some memorable Field trips too but I guess yours were more fun
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