Russell Gayer, author speaker
In effort to improve my wit and humor, my daughter gifted me a book entitled “The Insult Dictionary.” The good thing about these insults is that many of them go back hundreds of years, so when you use one, the party you’re addressing doesn’t even realize they’re being put down.
One of my favorites is; “Vice Admiral of the Narrow Seas.” Noun ~ A drunken man who urinates under the table on his companion’s shoes. Please share your favorite slanderous saying in the comment section.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our resident expert on swimming up to your neck in 100-word tales is Doris Salacia Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Dear Ma & Pa,
Finding work in the big city ain’t easy. You cain’t talk to nobody about a job, you have to get on a computer and type in a bunch o’ stuff. But thanks to Cousin Audrey, I got on the government tit.
My boss is a senator from Arkansas. Right off, he gave me something called a security clearance. I’m supposed to keep my eyes and ears open and watch out for something called Liberals—they cause leaks.
Liberals must be worse than woodpeckers cause they got bowls sitting everywhere to catch the water.
Your son,
Clem
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This is the blog of a woman who is seriously on the edge and I mean right ON the edge…no, not there… just a little bit further… further than that…no, further still…just a tiny bit more… just move slightly to the right a little…no, that’s too much…just move a tad to the left…that’s right, just there…now you’ve moved too far to the left… Damn, what part of the ‘on the edge’ do you not understand? Oh, and her matricidal boy genius, come devil spawn.
Or the three people I guilted into reading this blog, whatever.
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And the worst things. And all that weird stuff in between.
Clem seems ideally suited for a career in politics.
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All he needs is a Twitter account.
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The boy will go far. I could even see him as President
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Me too. Once he learns to blame everything on those damn Liberals, he be a shoo in.
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Dear Clem,
Might that be tit for tat? I’d start a battle of wits, but I don’t want to fight with an unarmed man. 😉 Have a good day anyhoo.
Shalom,
Doris Salacia W(T)F
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Dear Doris Salacia W(T)F,
Ha! That sounds like something a Liberal would say.
I scoff at your challenge. I may be unarmed, but I still got two good legs.
Please empty those large bowls on your way out.
Clem
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Ah yes, politics.
I believe that is a kinda touchy topic with you democratic types across the pond, wondering who’ll be next to buy the Presidency.
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It’s quite the bidding war. The pharmaceutical companys have the high bid at the moment, but I think the gun industry is about to raise them. Sadly, the technology companies aren’t playing and the big oil barrons stepped out to take a whiz.
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Oh I have an insult for you! Just hanging about like a fart in a trance.
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Excellent. I’m sure I’ll find an opportuntiy to quote you on that one.
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Ha ha – so good I had to read it twice!
Sorry – I’m clean out of slanderous comments. 🙂
Susan A Eames at
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Used them all up, eh? That must be a tough crowd you’re hanging with.
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Is Clem’s last name Kadiddlehopper, by any chance?
Shakespeare had some wonderful insults. A favorite of mine:“I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands.” (Timon of Athens, Act 4, Scene 3)
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Dear Linda,
You win the bonus round for guessing Clem’s last name. What a great character Red Skelton created. Plus, you get double points for the clever Shakespeare quote. You’re on a roll, girl. Today’s the day to buy a lottery ticket.
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OOohh. Lucky me! It did occur to me that Clem Kadiddlehopper may be an unknown to people much younger than I am, but oh well. He’s worth looking up on You Tube 🙂
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Absolutely. So is Freddie the Freeloader.
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The boy will go far! One my favourite slanders is fustylugs 🙂
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Fustilugs was new to me. I had to look it up. It’s a good one.
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Very amusing.
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Thanks
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with the current state of affairs going on, he’ll definitely fit right in. 🙂
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Gotta watch those Liberals.
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Clem sounds perfect for the job!
“More of your conversation would infect my brain.” Shakespeare was a master, wasn’t he?
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True. Groucho Marx was pretty good at insults as well.
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Simple man got a job in big city. But, he is in bad company. His innocent mind is being polluted. A reality of our lives. Nice story.
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You’re absolutely right. It’s the end of the innocence.
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Now HE will definitely MAGA!
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Yeah, but who will empty all those bowls of water?
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Reblogged this on Musings on Life & Experience and commented:
A two-for-one laugh fest. If you enjoyed it just swing to your right and click on the book covers to read more of Russell’s wacky humor. To help out Russell, even more, you can reblog this post from your blog as I’ve done from mine.
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Thank you once again, Suzanne. 🙂
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This is hilarious! I also read it twice to LOL! 😀
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I’m glad you enjoyed it, Morgaine.
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Goodness, Russell, this is very funny or maybe too dang true.
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Unfortunately, it’s the latter.
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Teehee! I don’t know which is more risible – Clem’s naivety or the Senator’s paranoia!
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I’d put my money on the Senator.
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On reflection, so would I!
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Sounds like he’s fitting in nicely. If he actually knew what he was doing the whole political system might collapse!
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You’re right, Ali. The whole system would come crashing down.
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I love this! In one hundred words, you have summed up the American government. Well done!!!
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Thank you. It’s not as hard to understand as the commentators on CNN and Fox News make it sound.
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Love it! Quite realistic too. They blame us Liberals for everything! 🙂
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Absolutely. Now they’re trying to bomb us into extinction too.
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the other is the hell, said someone.
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I think it was the woodpeckers who said that.
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I think he will be barking up the wrong tree when looking for woodpecker liberals. Sorry… I think his prospects to be anything but a senator are low…
We had a book once called how to be abusive in five languages, and what I remember most any insult sounded much harsher in German than in any other language…
The one I remember most was (at the hotel)
Hier stinkt es als von tote gästen…
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Well, who would’ve thought Trump would be elected President? Certainly not this woodpecker.
I’ll have to agree that the Germans can certainly dish it out, but the British are pretty clever when it comes to bashing people too.
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Ah, Clem in the spirit of Gomer Pyle, although I don’t think Gomer would have stayed long. Too much lying. “Your bait of falsehood takes this carp of truth.” WS.
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You’re right about Gomer. Despite his shortcomings, he put a high value on integrity.
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“Liberals must be worse than woodpeckers cause they got bowls sitting everywhere to catch the water.” Clem’s logic is impeccable.
I wonder what Clem is supposed to do with Liberals once he finds them. Follow them around with bowls?
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I’m not sure what to do with them either. Perhaps they can be housebroken.
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Why have a Liberal as a pet when a puppy is so much cuter?
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I must follow Clem on twitter! Churchill had some wicked insults. Speaking of conservative politician Stanley Baldwin, he said: “I wish Stanley Baldwin no ill, but it would have been much better if he had never lived.“
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Churchill is one of my favorites. I loved his comment to the woman who accused him of being a drunk.
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I sense you, Clem, have a great future, provided you are extremely patient. Moreover, to ensure your glittering career is not behind you, before what we expert pundits call the “get go”, do please try not to tinkle on your dinner partner’s shoes.
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It won’t be a problem, Jilly, as long as they keep their damn feet out from under the table. 🙂
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Good stuff, politics eh?! You’ve got Trump, we’ve got Brexit, the worlds going to dust.
Heres an insult and I have Monty P to thank,
Your father is a Hamster and your mother smells of Elderberries, now go and boil your bottoms you so called English K-nig-hts or I shall taunt you a second time!
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Ah, I see you’re from the Ministry of Shawley Walks (wherever that is). Monty P. is always good for some top quality insults. Thanks for sharing one with us.
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The ministry of shrawley walks is in the kingdom of Shrawley, a small principality within Europe.
The ministry of shrawley walks is a play on the ministry of silly walks, which of course is Monty P!!
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Politics and humor…a match Made in America.
Now for your request…
Stop trying to be a smart ass, you’re just an ass.
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Good one, Dawn. There is also a fine line between being funny and being a smart ass. It’s like trying to walk a tightrope.
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LOL…I have walked it myself many times.
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