What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
The Lottery
Recently, I got into a debate with my grandchildren on a very serious issue—the proper way to eat an animal cracker. One of the girls took the position that you should bite the head off first, this way the animal in question can’t bite you back—plus, in her mind—it was more humane.
A grandson countered that you should nibble off the legs first, so the vicious tiger, elephant, or giraffe couldn’t escape. The girls declared this method cruel, but not necessarily unusual, punishment for such a cracker.
To resolve the issue, they gave their grandmother a camel to see how she would eat it. Grandma promptly tossed the sweet, flakey cookie between her molars and ground it to bits. Evidently, there’s more than one way to kill an animal cracker. What’s your favorite method?
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Ringmaster of this circus of 100-word stories is Kristen Michelle Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
“God, this is embarrassing.” Andrea raised a cupped hand to her forehead to shield her eyes.
“Which one of you is going to tell him?” asked Sandra.
“Not me!” said Iain. “He killed the last messenger who brought him unpleasant news.”
Dale rubbed her chin. “Shelley should do it. She’s the one in charge.”
“No way.” Shelley shook her head. “We’ll draw for it.”
Plaridel pulled a slip of paper from the jar and read the name aloud.
Shelley smiled. “Red Nose, it looks like you’re elected. Now, go tell C.E. his pants are unzipped.”
66 Comments on “The Lottery”
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What's So Funny? 
I’m so glad I wasn’t there!
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You drew a long straw this time, Keith, but I predict somewhere down the road your name may come up.
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I think you should all be grateful it wasn’t the large pink pachyderm of mutual acquaintanceship.
He is distinctly less civilised than yours truly, especially if anyone dares to mention the *!&?*!% in the room..
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Had that been the case, I would have given his peanuts and a massive amount of alcohol before breaking the bad news.
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Wow, almost as brutal as the Shirley Jackson story of the same name! Interesting cast of characters there….
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Oh, forgot to mention, I heard that some people actually drown those poor animal crackers in milk, dipping their heads under until the succumb before eating them….
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Egads! How hideous.
I bet some wretched souls even scald them in hot coffee or tea.
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Yes, I really struggled naming the characters. There were so many good ones to choose from in the InLinkz catalog.
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Ha ha – nice story! I’m not familiar with animal cracker biscuits – are they an American phenomenon?
Susan A Eames at
Travel, Fiction and Photos
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They are also referred to as Circus Crackers, sometimes sold in small boxes resembling animal cages on wheels.
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It took me a while to catch onto the names. Then I grinned
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I predict we’ll see your name here someday.
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Dear Rusty Red-Nose,
Sometimes winning the lottery isn’t the best thing. Shelley’s glad it didn’t fall to her. I mean the Scot is over six feet tall. Think about it. If you’re lucky he won’t send you over a rocky cliff or drop cyanide in your (ahem) lemonade. Phew! Glad that’s taken care of. There’s that other issue. I’m still pouting over having struggled through a nameless week. (And with your photo). Pass the salt, please.
Shalom,
Kristen Michelle W(T)F
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Dear Kristen Michelle W(T)F,
While Shelley might only be as tall as the big Scot’s navel, she is quite nimble and quick. I’m not that agile, but at least we have an ocean between us.
I hate it that I missed last week’s parade. Perhaps I’ll go back and read some of those stories. I’m sure they were very creative. (I can’t help but wonder how many characters got killed?) As for your name, I should have asked Jan to help me with that. I’m sure he could come up with a darling sobriquet that fits you to a T.
Rusty Red-Nose
P.S. – thanks for the tip about the cyanide. I’ll be on the look out for it.
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Perhaps you could have titled this, “The Emperor’s Fly.” And by the way, I bite the head off first. It’s the kindest way to end them. 😉
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From your avatar, I would have guessed you a head-biter. Those are the guys who are used to being chewed on at home and work. When they finally get a chance to take vent their frustrations . . . heads are going to roll.
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😀
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Oh, what a cast of characters! Such fun. I hadn’t realized the Scotsman was so tall! I, too, would be afraid to be the bearer of such news. On the other hand, perhaps he would be grateful? Perhaps.
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I had a great emsemble to choose from. Not only is the Scotsman big, he also has a reputation of leaving a trail of bodies in his wake. Who knows, maybe his zipper was down on purpose.
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Teehee! A nicely constructed story, Russell. You had me on tenterhooks until the end!
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Glad it gave you a giggle, Penny.
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They need someone who doesn’t know him to deliver the news. A passing stranger, if you will.
As to animal crackers – frosted or plain?
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I agree. Anyone who is not part of the FFF group.
Do you eat the frosted ones differently? What about the chocolate graham variety?
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Red nose now you have no excuse. You have to tell.
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Maybe, but I think the vote was rigged.
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Why would they want to tell him? It’s hard enough to pass the time of day without cutting off any source of entertainment. And I dismember my animal crackers. But probably not the way you’re thinking…
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Pretty soon he’d figure out what all the pointing and snickering was about, then he’d really be pissed.
Oh no, dismembered animal crackers. You, dear lady, are a cereal killer.
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Very amusing! 🙂
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Thanks, Clare.
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Such issues are the stuff of family life. Being a grandmother of twenty five at the last count, I know all too well the range of debates that can be had over the most strange and simple things …
gramswisewords.blogspot.com
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You are so right. But what great debates they are. Thanks for visiting and leaving a comment.
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Hilarious story! Asked my son about his animal cookie eating habits when he was a kid (I forgot) and he said without hesitation, “I always ate the head. It’s the only humane way. The same with gingerbread men. Always thought it was cruel to eat the limbs one at a time.” I guess we all have our preferences. I’m a head-eater as well. =)
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I’m glad you took a poll. I believe there are more head-biters than leg eaters from my research.
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The cage was open, but the beast was asleep i’m assuming! Good stuff
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Great comment. Let’s hope for the sake of everyone within viewing distance that the beast was indeed asleep.
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i feel honored being cast in the story. thanks. 🙂
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You landed a pivotal role in this one. Perhaps worthy of an Oscar.
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🙂
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I understand Shelley not wanting to do it, though I betcha she’s the one who saw it in the first place, being the right height and all…
As for the animal crackers… depending on their crunchiness, I don’t mind dipping them into some tea first, otherwise, I’m like Grandma…. one bite does them in!
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Your comment made me chuckle, Dale. The scene was eye-level for little Shelley. There was no way she could miss it.
It sounds like you and Connie don’t give much thought to the animals crackers sensitivity and feeling of pain.
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Glad I managed to make you chuckle!
Nope. Actually, Connie and I are most kind. No torture at all…. just one bite and they’re done for!
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You bring tears to my eyes. Poor Shelley. 😀
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🤣
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Maybe they should just put it on his Facebook page.
For the record biting the head off the animal cookies and then the limbs is best way to stop them from escaping.
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I don’t know about Facebook. That might be a little too humiliating.
So you like to blind the poor animal cracker, then nip off its limbs. Interesting.
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Very fun!
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Glad you were amused, Lisa.
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You had me laughing with your description of animal cracker eating styles.
Ironically, my kids and I had a conversation just like yours. Everyone liked
the eat-the-head first style. Hubby went with the pop-the-whole animal in mouth
style. LOL
Well … back to your story. I suppose if you wear a red nose your apt to get noticed
which leaves you open to be picked. ~~~ : – )
Have a super weekend …
Isadora 😎
ps – my ‘Like’ bitton isn’t working but I do ‘LIKE’ this post.
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Funny story. But I have a question – Why is it that men so often forget to close up? Is it akin to not lowering the toilet seat, or leaving doors open, or lights burning? I don’t understand.
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Head first, all the way. It’s only humane.
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Haha! that’s so cheeky, so very you Russell! And quiet right, who’d willing volunteer to tell C anything of the sort – we all know what happens to folk in his stories …
And head first, of course – for the head is always the tastiest!
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Thanks, Lynn. Yes, we all know Mr. Ayr’s tendencies. He doesn’t even have to be provoked. I’m sure he thinks of some deep, dark way to eliminate his crackers.
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Haha! That sounds about right 🙂
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Animal crackers: Drown them in milk first.
I love it when you use your co-FFers in your stories–and this one was particularly funny.
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Do they gurgle and kick their little legs before they drown?
Keep tuning in. You may find yourself in a future story.
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I used to pretend they gurgled and kicked. Bloodthirsty little kid 🙂 And I would be honored to show up in one of your stories 🙂
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This made me laugh out loud. Thanks for brightening my evening. 😀 I always eat the head first, animal crackers, chocolate easter bunnies (ears first, then the head), chocolate santas… everything else seems cruel and wrong.
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LOL…always fun to include the gallery.
And, so you know, I too think biting the heads off first is the proper way.
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I didn’t realize we had so many head-biters in this group. You’re in good company.
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Personally, I bite the heads of those animal crackers first. There should be a personality test based on the preferred method of eating those crackers. I love the way you set up your story with a revealing (no pun intended) last line. 😉
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I agree Fatima. It would be a good question for a personality test.
And BTW, it’s okay if you want to make the pun intended. I’m sure C.E. won’t mind.
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Red Nose, did you get shot by C.E. when you delivered the message? You should’ve asked an invisible mime acquaintance of yours to give him the message on your behalf.
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Depends what mood I’m in swift slaughter, in which case the head, contemplative in which case nibble round and round trying to make the perfect circle the spiral inwards. And I’m a bit worried about him, this forgetting to zip up seems to be becoming a habit.
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And another one bites the dust. Fun story!
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Fun story! You always bring a smile to my face. For the record – I eat my animal crackers like Grandma – throw it in!
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