What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Saving Hollywood
We just returned from a weeklong, fact-finding mission along the Missouri River. At the insistence of Detective Lowry, we spent one night in the thriving metropolis of Belton, MO.
The purpose of this stop was to locate, and investigate, the home of that dastardly criminal mime known as “Le Petite Velour.” Unaware of our mission, she graciously welcomed us into her abode. While Connie kept her busy with idle chitchat, I scanned the premises for Do-Not-Remove tags. None were to be found. One can only conclude they were squirreled away with the tags stolen from nearby homes and stashed in an invisible box (also stolen)—which I was unable to locate.
Ironically, Ms. Velour’s residence is only a few blocks from the Belton Police Station.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the director of this weekly production of 100-word stories is Zelda Rubinstein Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
“You guys were great,” the producer said. “I can’t remember ever working with anyone quite like you. Your performance today put Hollywood back forty years.”
It was an “Aww, shucks” moment for Connie and I. We looked at each other and blushed. The glory days had returned to Hollywood.
The roar of applause followed us through the back door and spilled onto the patio. Members of the production crew came over to offer congratulations and shake hands.
The way they carried on, you’d have thought Colonel Sanders had just arrived with a bucket of fried chicken.
*the above is an excerpt from “Saving Hollywood,” and can be found in my second book, One Idiot Short of a Village.
“From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend on reading it.” – Groucho Marx
36 Comments on “Saving Hollywood”
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What's So Funny? 
I love that quote from Groucho 🙂
As always, a funny story that made me smile.
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Thanks, Linda. I love Groucho quotes too. Him and W.C. Fields are my two favorites.
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Why am I not surprised 🙂
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So no facts, other than invisible ones, were found. Very intrepid sleuthing! And tickets would be sold out immediately for this play at the box office 🙂
HIgh praise. indeed, from Groucho! 😀
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My sleuthing skills need some improvement. Next time, I’ll distract the mime and let Connie do the undercover snooping.
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Dear Spanky,
Darla says to tell you hello. As for the do not remove tags, what better place to hide them but in plain sight, a mile from the police station? As for your story, I laughed until I stopped. 😉 Le Petite Velour thoroughly enjoyed the visit with Connie while you were downstairs stringing Jan along. 😀 Meanwhile don’t quit your day job. Wait! You already did.
Shalom,
Zelda Rubinstein W(T)F
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Dear Zelda Rubinstein W(T)F,
I think Jan and I are going to work up some polka tunes for our 2020 world tour. Perhaps we can get Mick Jagger and the Stones to open for us if Mick is over his heart problems. If not, then we’ll settle for Taylor Swift or Lady Gaga.
I thought I caught a glimpse of the invisible box upstairs, hidden among the dozens of paintings of half-empty wine glasses. It’s probably lurking under that pile of empty bottles that fuel your imagination.
Can you hear me tuning my vocal cords?
Clark Fable (aka Spanky)
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Had Colonel Sanders actually just arrived with a bucket of chicken?
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No, it was an impersonator, and all he had was sautéed chicken feet.
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Does putting the tags in an invisible box make them turn invisible? They’ll never find the evidence.
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No. That’s the cool thing about it. You can see what’s inside.
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Ah – so then just a glass box.
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No. It’s a magical box. But you must “believe” before you can actually see or feel it by touch.
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Love that you went to visit Rochelle and Jan – and had such a good time.
When I saw the title of this, I immediately thought of your story – which, yes, I did read almost the whole book… problem is, I haven’t finished it yet as it is in a box still to be unpacked 😉
Fun stuff!
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We did have a good time. Jan and I played guitars and howled (you couldn’t exactly call it singing). The little mime has quite the playroom upstairs where she does her writing and paints portraits of wine glasses. (I wonder how she makes it back down the stairs. Probably sits down and slides one step at a time). 🙂
Please give the book a review on Amazon when you finish it. I would love to read your take on it.
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So I heard 😉
She does quite well on the wine glasses – must hold back on drinking too many of the contents!
Of course I will!
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Great story – and I hope you and Connie are ready for your close-ups.
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Yes, we were. There was a professional makeup artist on site. After the live filming, they asked us to pose for a photo session in the rose garden for about an hour.
It was a fun, expense paid trip to Hollywood. And all because we had hit a deer with our car a few months before.
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And so Hollywood’s glamour is restored. Or did your agent pay these people? 😉 Fun story, Russell.
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Well, we did what we could in four days. I offered to come back and help some more, but phase II has not yet been negotiated. 🙂
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Could this be he start of a glittering second (or is it third?) career?
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Wouldn’t that be nice. I handed out several business cards and offered to come back for a sequel, but as yet, no new calls from Hollywood.
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🙂
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great story. i wanted to believe that it really happened. 🙂
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It actually did happen. Connie and I won a contest and went to film a commercial for our auto insurance company.
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Reblogged this on Musings on Life & Experience and commented:
Two more stories, one an excerpt from a book by Russell, and a quote from Groucho Markx. I don’t think it’s common for a book to get a quote from a deceased celebrity. If you want more of the same, shoot to the top of the post and click on one or both of the book covers. You can also reblog this post from yours.
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Actually, I pitched the idea of using quotes from fictional characters on the back on my last book, but my editor thought we might get sued, so I went with real people instead.
Next time I’ll pitch the idea of quotes from the dead. 🙂
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Still after that dreadful mime, I see, Russell. Keep up the good work. 🙂 — Suzanne
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Yes, still after the mime. And she loves every minute of it. Perhaps I can get her to dress in character and come to a book signing when Criminal Mimes is released.
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That’s it then. Success and fame in the world of theatre – does that mean no more sleuthing?
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Oh, absolutely not. The mime must be stopped at all costs. Lowry is closing in on her, but she is very tricky and elusive.
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I’m still laughing at this: “Your performance today put Hollywood back forty years.” You and Connie must be very positive people to take that as a compliment! 😉
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Well, even a back-handed compliment is better than none at all. We did have a great time and you could call it an expense-paid vacation. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
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Fried chicken is not happiness, it is pure bliss. Well done!
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I can’t argue with that. In fact, I had fried chicken today.
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Nice one! Damn, I’d love some KFC right about now.
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