What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Outside the Lines
They’ve been making adult coloring books for several years now. Most pages contain a jumble of intricate designs said to help relieve stress. They also make one with swear words for those whose clock is wound so tightly they’re about to explode.
Even our own fearless leader, Andrea Warthog W(T)F, is an advocate of color-by-numbers. Her wine glass series, known for their warm, fuzzy images as the glass nears empty, has led to a spike in sales for Boone’s Farm winery, especially the Strawberry Hill vintage.
What’s woefully lacking is a coloring book of crude, juvenile activities. Wouldn’t it be fun to throw down some reds and yellows on a picture of Bobby and Mark lighting each other’s farts? Or how about Cindy’s expression when she discovers the plastic snake Ted hid in her locker? I’d love to hear your ideas and suggestions.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, pick up a bottle of Boone’s Farm and schedule a session with our headmistress (see above). If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
The image was grainy, but clear enough to conclude the subject was petite, barely five-feet tall. The figure crept across the backyard with elbows tucked, wrists hanging limp, like a small rodent sneaking up on an acorn.
“It looks like a midget,” Harvey said. “Do you think this one ran away from the circus?”
“It’s a mime.” Lowry replied with disgust. “A strange breed. Most are harmless, but creepy in their own way.”
“I’m glad Lucinda didn’t encounter this white-faced vermin when she came home. That would’ve freaked her out.”
Lowry nodded. “It would be enough to unnerve anyone.”
*an excerpt from Criminal Mimes.
33 Comments on “Outside the Lines”
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What's So Funny? 
I actually have that colouring book 😉 and I am sure there is a market for the crude and juvenile!
As for your story… beware of small beings; they often pack a big punch!
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Dear Dale,
Why am I not surprised? It’s a dirty little book. Made me blush. Just looking at a few of the pages made me think impure thoughts.
As for the small being, I’m sure my time is coming. I shudder to think what evil she has tucked up her short, little sleeve.
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Dear Russell,
I don’t know why you are not. And um. Yeah. Sure.
I’m sure it is…
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Hey mimes be so creepy but at least they’re quiet
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That is a blessing. Unfortunately, they aren’t always in costume. Then, you really get an ear full!
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Marcel Marceau is going to be pissed off
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Funny you should say that. My cousin and I have playing with short sentences to describe the book. One we’ve come up with is, A female Marcel Marceau meets the cast of Naked Gun.
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Not sure I wish to encounter one either! Nice one, Russell.
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I’m surprise, Keith. I was sure you’d have some ideas for the coloring book.
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I have noted that when I drink Boone’s Farm while writing, I am incredibly funny, though I apparently write in a unique code. While sober, the same batch of text is near incomprehensible, an issue easily cleared up by consuming another bottle of booze. 😉
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If it works that well for writing, imagine what a cool artist you’ll be with crayons. Who knows, you might be the next Andy Warhol.
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Dear Harvey (Loose) Wingnut (And getting looser all the time),
That mime really needs some platform jazz oxfords because she’s not getting any taller. I have found those adult coloring books to be annoying. I’ve no patience for them.
It’s been a long time (sip) since I’ve (sip sip) had Boonesh Farmm (glug) whiiiine. (Slosh) But I do like shtramberry. Did the mime shee her sadow when you shapped the fotograf? Shneeky mimesh.
What wash the quextion? Hic. Shee ya. Hic Hic.
Shallloo, I mean Lekh Lekh…cheers,
Andrea Warthog W(T)F
Peeee Esh; Yor day ish cumming
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Dear Andrea Warthog W(T)F,
It’s been a long time since I’ve sucked down a fifth of Strawberry Hill myself. As I recall, it was $1 a bottle when I was a teenager, so it was all my meager budget could muster. If I could raise an extra dollar (by doing palor tricks) I would purchase malt liquor. It hit you quicker, but the hangover lasted a couple of days (more bang for your buck, right?).
You do a pretty good Foster Brooks impersonation, or is that just the wine talking?
Cheers,
Harvey (Loose) Wingnut
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Locking all the doors and windows if there are mimes creeping about! 🙂
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Yes indeed, and hide your Do Not Remove tags too.
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I don’t need adult colouring books, I have plenty of children’s ones scattered around the house. Just so long as neither of my kids become a mime.
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Those kiddy books just arent’ the same, Iain. I suspect you have some great ideas for prank coloring book portrayals.
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LOL I recently bought a tiny space heater. The DNR tag was almost the same size as the heater. No doubt mimes have heard about it so I keep it under wraps when not in use. 😀
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I think I was 12 or 14 the last time I had Boon’s Farm Strawberry Hill. If I remember correctly, the sugar high was much, much worse than anything the actual alcohol could do to you… By the time I was in high school, we were sophisticated and drank Mad Dog 2020 – my, isn’t that name prophetic! And I think the wine was even worse than the year!
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Yes, Mad Dog is a huge step up–especially in alcohol content. In fact, I think it’s actually Kool-Aid mixed with PGA.
You could do a great page for the coloring book based on your adventures with Mad Dog 2020.
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I am terrified of clowns and mimes…Once in a bar, someone tapped me on the shoulder and when I turned around it was a mime right in my face. Talk about shrieking! One year that I was teaching a student came in on Halloween in one of the Blue Man Group suits…that is creepy too.
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How terrible. I remember when clowns were funny and nice to children. Some of the horror movies they’ve released in the past few years has ruined all that. Even poor Ronald McDonald is probably living in a homeless shelter by now.
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Ronald McDonald is a creepy pedophile! Lol…I was going to add a few other names in there but decided to keep it PG13
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Elbows tucked and wrists limp… was there ever a more graphic phrase?
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Thank you for the compliment, Sandra. It made me smile. Here in Arkansas we’re known for saying, “Even a blind hog finds an acorn once in a while.”
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I thought you were describing a zombie at first, or at least an extremely sneaky squirrel. The mime came as a surprise.
And I’m really wondering: Is there some lack of self-confidence that makes people who are of, perhaps, average height, feel compelled to pick on those of us who chose a shorter path?
Here’s a song for you:
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I think it’s just meanness (at least that’s what my mother would’ve said). As a general rule, I only pick on people I really, really like. If I find that my friend is offended or hurt by my teasing, I back off and apologize. Tall people get picked on too (how’s the weather up there?). To my knowledge, no one has written a song for them. 🙂 BTW, Randy Newman is one of my favorite songwriters. Who can forget “Mama Told Me Not to Come”?
Rochelle is a special person, and one who can definitely dish it out as well as she takes it. When she gets me back, she’ll get me back good. And I will deserve everything I got comin’ 🙂
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It’s lots of fun to read what you two have for each other 🙂
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I love your description of the mime, though I must say they freak me out a bit. Never was a clown fan when I was a little girl. I’m a fan of the adult coloring books though. Entertaining as always, Russell! 🙂
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Thank you, Brenda. I don’t find mimes creepy, but I don’t find their act that entertaining either. Some of the adult coloring books I’ve looked appeared to require a lot of patience as the artwork is finely detailed and tedious in nature. I’m afraid I’d go blind trying to color one. 🙂
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White-faced vermin? What as a mime ever done to you? No really… I’d like to know. 🙂
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I am not surprised, Mimes have been known to do unspeakable things. Colouring books were a big thing some years back but for some reason grey was the preferred colour.
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