What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
A Hard Bargain
Watching the winter games on television has gotten my competitive juices flowing. I’ve started training for the 2024 Obese Olympics. If all goes according to plan, I expect to bring home the gold in several disciplines including The Bellyflop.
Getting in shape for the games requires a strict diet. I start my day with a large serving of biscuits and gravy, a half-pound of bacon, and six pancakes. For lunch, it’s two Big Macs, large fries, and a chocolate shake. After my afternoon nap, I wake up starving and ready for a twenty-ounce T-bone, loaded baked potato, and three slices of apple pie smothered in ice cream.
The results have been amazing. I’ve had to cut large holes in the bibs of my overalls to keep the material from restricting my ever-growing gut. Let’s hope the podium doesn’t collapse.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Belton, Missouri used car salesperson known to drive a hard bargain is Illa Cheatum Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
“Good morning, Ms. Kohlen. I’m Richard Henderson, the attorney. You left me a voicemail regarding your car and legal problems. “Let’s deal with the most pressing issue first. I’m prepared to offer six thousand dollars for your 1984 Volkswagen Rabbit.”
“What? Let’s talk about that after you get me out of jail.”
“Okay, how about seventy-five hundred?”
“No! I’m stuck in his hellhole and all you want to talk about is my car?”
Henderson grimaced. “All right, I can see you want to play hardball. Ten thousand—but that’s my final offer.”
Shelley sighed. “Let me think about it.”
*another excerpt from Criminal Mimes
33 Comments on “A Hard Bargain”
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What's So Funny? 
Oh Lordy… Lemme have a chit-chat with Connie. I’m thinking she’d rather not have to plan your funeral before you make it to said Olympics.
As for Shelley and her car. At that price, she can now afford to get herself a lawyer who will actually try to get her out!
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That’s what I wanted to say, too. 🙂
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😉
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Funny you should mention a funeral, Dale. We’ve been talking about buying a tombstone before we get much older. I’m not sure we could count on the kids getting one for us. BTW – I have cut back on the beer. 🙂
I fear Shelley’s problems are destined to continue. But with the money left after paying her legal fees, she’ll have enough to buy a Ford Escape–the perfect getaway vehicle for a criminal mime.
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Dear Rick,
While you’re at it I have a 2011 Cruz I’d let you have for ten thousand. It’s only been driven to synagogue and back by a little old mime lady.
I can’t seem to unsee the bib overalls with the hole cut for the burgeoning belly. My arteries turned to stone as I slipped into a diabetic coma reading your breakfast description. Bon apetit. Hope your life insurance is paid up to take care of Connie and the girls.
I think Shelley needs to find a suitable attorney, one who is interested in her case more than her car. You may now cross-examine the witness.
Shalom,
Illa Cheatum W(T)F
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Dear Illa Cheatum W(T)F,
Wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that used car line about a little ol’ mime lady. I’d have one dollar.
There is a photo of a guy modeling those overalls somewhere on the internet. It was probably taken at Walmart. I suspect you’ll soon be working on a painting of that image. It should sell tons on the wine tour.
Don’t worry too much about Shelley. She’ll soon be back to her tag-foolery.
Rick
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I could go for the obese Olympics if it’s in the sunshine, can’t be doing with all that cold snow. At least Shelley will have some cash when she gets out the jail.
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Yes, Iain, imagine all those glistening, sweat-drenched bodies straining in the 20 Meter Waddle. It’ll be an image you won’t be able to flush from your memory.
As for Shelley, I suspect she’ll buy something purple with her leftover cash.
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EEWW! Another image I can’t unsee. Why did I come back here??? And of course she’ll buy something purple. Although every time I’ve tried to buy a purple car, Jan puts his foot down. What’s wrong with him?
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A friend of mine has a purple Dodge Challenger convertable (late 60s/early 70s model) with white vinyl interior. A beautiful car. You’d love it and so would Jan.
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This may not be the idea lawyer for her. He’s not listening to the client
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He does seem to have a one-track mind, but at least she’ll have enough money to cover her fines.
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Haven’t seen you around lately. It’s good to see your humor is back and active. Good luck with your olympic goals… you forgot to add couch potato callistinics, though. How fast can you snatch that remote, after all??? Hehe! Love your story, too. I’d be getting a new lawyer if I were her.
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I like the couch potato events. My thumb is in pretty good shape and expect to set a new world record in speed channel changing.
I’m sure she’d prefer another lawyer, but this one is willing to trade services for a car. Actually, she’s getting a very good deal.
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That’s quite a training regimen! You’ll be in shape in no time! 😀
Shelley needs a new attorney!
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Yes. Round IS a shape, and I’m very round.
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I’ve only watched curling this year. I figured all the others are doping something. If the curling teams are doing that, it must be with Prevagen. Very funny, of course. A goodie. 2024? Is the Summer games? 🙂
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Yes. I’m hoping to make a big splash in the water events. You know, Dead Man’s Float, etc. The track & field stuff, like the 20 meter waddle, just wears me out.
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🙂
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I expect when you are sitting in jail and your attorney starts making offers for your car, what next the house? It seems he is planning to keep you in jail for a while.
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Nah, he’s just got special place for that particular model of car. She’ll be out as soon as they complete the psychiatric evaluation. 🙂
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After much of the last two years in lockdown, I might be joining you at the fat Olympics. Instead of Eddie the Eagle, there will be Harry the Hephalump.
Best wishes,
Rowena
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I expect a lot of new athletes (applying the term loosely) will be appearing in the Obese Olympics as a result of the pandemic. It should be lot of fun and I hear they have a great breakfast buffet.
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I have this image of you triumphantly climbing the top of the podium to receive your medal – then falling straight through it!
That aside, a great little tale!
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Ooh, I hope to have ringside seats to watch that. 😉
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That’s a definite possibility, Keith. Let’s hope they construct it with steel girders and that the steps aren’t too tall.
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Obese Olympics! Hilarious. And it looks like Mr Attorney’s going to get that car.
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Yes, he obsessed with that model of car. He had one as a teenager and wants this one for his daughter.
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Take the money, Shelley. And obese olympics? That’s a killer diet there…
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The diet reminds me of a restuarant called the Cardiac Cafe. The waitresses dress as nurses, and they did have a customer have a heart attack at a table on at least one occassion.
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i wonder why he’d be interested in her 1984 vw rabbit. i suppose it’s not out of the goodness of his heart. there must be something hidden in that car that makes it worthwhile.
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You’re right. He had one as a teenager and developed a sentimental attachment to ’84 VW Rabbits.
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perhaps it’s an offer she can’t refuse
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