Mayan Calendar Bucket List

Tick, tick, tick . . . .
Tick, tick, tick . . . .

I have a friend who absolutely loves lists. Arrange a group of random items in a single-file, alphabetical or numerical, by order or importance or stupidity (it doesn’t matter), and she’s as happy as Viagra salesman at a lingerie party.

            My experience with lists is a series of dreaded encounters, none of which increased my joy or happiness. The majority of these lists consisted of tasks I was required to perform or items to purchase. Both of which rendered a feeling of helplessness. Here I was, a slave to a piece of paper—couldn’t wipe my butt with having one in my hand.

            But age has a way of making a man look at things differently. After awhile, you quit counting the years you’ve lived and start a lottery pool on how many you have left. This is a heavy burden on the mind of many. Thankfully, I only have a mind of one.

            The popularity of the “bucket list” hit a home run with a lot of Baby Boomers. I’m usually one to buck the system, but with the Mayan calendar bearing down on us like a racehorse in the home stretch, I decided to devote my remaining time to the betterment of humanity—including myself. Here, in no particular order, is my list;

  • To be abducted by aliens: I’ve always wanted to see the galaxy and a little probing might help relieve the gas I’ve been experiencing lately.
  • World peace:  I realize war generates revenue and stimulates the economy, but let’s just try one day with out it and see how it goes.
  • An all nighter: (a night without getting up to pee). This may seem trivial to you younger folks, but if you live beyond Friday you’ll eventually learn to appreciate this.
  • To fly in a hot air balloon: Several politicians have attempted to get me airborne by blowing hot air up my butt, but so far their promises have left me flat and unfulfilled.
  • Compete in a 40 yard waddle: Who knows, I might win gold at the Obese Olympics.
  • Learn sign language: I’m already familiar with a couple of hand signals . . . .
  • Take up some more bad habits: If you’re gonna die in 24 hours, may as well have some fun, right?
  • Try to worry more: People say I don’t have a sense of urgency. You know what? They’re right. I’ll have to do something about that in the next life.
  • Make the cover of RQ Magazine: On second thought I’ll probably turn them down. I’m just too damn humble to allow myself to become “eye candy” in Redneck Quarterly.

Well, that’s probably more than I can get accomplished in a day and a half, so we’ll stop here. I hope this list inspires you to consider your pending mortality and what you hope to accomplish while still in the flesh. Best wishes for a speedy and painless demise.


6 thoughts on “Mayan Calendar Bucket List

  1. Still able to pull off the all nighter but I guess you’re right that if I make it to Saturday then I’ll have something else to look forward to. Thanks for the “fair warning.”

    1. Thanks for the kind words, and signing up to be bombarded with foolishness on a regular basis, provided we survive the impending doom.

      1. I’m on the West Coast now — still alive. Since I’m away I won’t be on the blogosphere much (not traveling with a computer) so I’ll return for your special brand of foolishness when I’m back in the Apple. Have a good Xmas!

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