Mayan Calendar Bucket List

I have a friend who absolutely loves lists. Arrange a group of random items in a single-file, alphabetical or numerical, by order or importance or stupidity (it doesn’t matter), and she’s as happy as Viagra salesman at a lingerie party.

            My experience with lists is a series of dreaded encounters, none of which increased my joy or happiness. The majority of these lists consisted of tasks I was required to perform or items to purchase. Both of which rendered a feeling of helplessness. Here I was, a slave to a piece of paper—couldn’t wipe my butt with having one in my hand.

            But age has a way of making a man look at things differently. After awhile, you quit counting the years you’ve lived and start a lottery pool on how many you have left. This is a heavy burden on the mind of many. Thankfully, I only have a mind of one.

            The popularity of the “bucket list” hit a home run with a lot of Baby Boomers. I’m usually one to buck the system, but with the Mayan calendar bearing down on us like a racehorse in the home stretch, I decided to devote my remaining time to the betterment of humanity—including myself. Here, in no particular order, is my list;

• To be abducted by aliens: I’ve always wanted to see the galaxy and a little probing might help relieve the gas I’ve been experiencing lately.
• World peace:  I realize war generates revenue and stimulates the economy, but let’s just try one day with out it and see how it goes.
• An all nighter: (a night without getting up to pee). This may seem trivial to you younger folks, but if you live beyond Friday you’ll eventually learn to appreciate this.
• To fly in a hot air balloon: Several politicians have attempted to get me airborne by blowing hot air up my butt, but so far their promises have left me flat and unfulfilled.
• Compete in a 40 yard waddle: Who knows, I might win gold at the Obese Olympics.
• Learn sign language: I’m already familiar with a couple of hand signals . . . .
• Take up some more bad habits: If you’re gonna die in 24 hours, may as well have some fun, right?
• Try to worry more: People say I don’t have a sense of urgency. You know what? They’re right. I’ll have to do something about that in the next life.
• Make the cover of RQ Magazine: On second thought I’ll probably turn them down. I’m just too damn humble to allow myself to become “eye candy” in Redneck Quarterly.

Well, that’s probably more than I can get accomplished in a day and a half, so we’ll stop here. I hope this list inspires you to consider your pending mortality and what you hope to accomplish while still in the flesh. Best wishes for a speedy and painless demise.