Your keys, please

The photo below brought to mind the famous rhetorical question;

“If a man says something—and there’s no woman around to hear him—is he still wrong?”

Married with Children was a popular TV show about the time our children were entering puberty. I learned two important things from this program;

1.) How to sit on a couch with one hand stuck half-way into your pants

2.) How to whine the name P-e-e-e-g-g-g into a three syllable word.

In this week’s episode Kelly gets a job as a parking valet.

 If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, the construction supervisor for our weekly cabin of tall tales is the legendary lumberjack Paula Bunyan Wisoff-Fields, or “PB” as we affectionately call her. To learn how to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF “Hollywood Squares” author seating chart click here.

Copyright - Roger Bultot
Copyright – Roger Bultot

“How was your first day at work, Pumpkin?”

“Oh, Daddy, I’m exhausted. This job is way harder than I thought it’d be.” Kelly tucked her blonde hair behind her ears and collapsed on the sofa.

“What happened?”

“First, we spent four hours in a classroom listening to some idiot ramble about customer service. He kept saying, ‘If you want good tips, do exactly what the customer tells you.’

Then, my first client stiffed me and started screaming at my boss. I don’t know why he was so mad.

He was the one who told me to park under a shade tree.”

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33 Comments on “Your keys, please

  1. I never watched that show, Russell, but I have always considered educational TV an oxymoron — yeah, an 8-sided idiot, but I suppose that would be an octamoron. Sorry I have not been around much. It’s been a summer themed Epic Malaise in Lame Adventures-land.

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    • I figured something was up. I check your site every so often to see if I’ve missed a post. When is Lame Adventures theme park scheduled to open? We might have to make a trip to NYC.

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      • Excellent! I hope it has a gift shop. Everyone is asking me to bring back LA t-shirts, coffee mugs, souvenir eye glasses, and “Grind” dental floss.

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  2. Unreasonable customers abound, I’m afraid. I love the idea of a four hour training course for parking valets. Good job as ever, Russell, and your intro was just as funny as ever!

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  3. Hi Russell,
    Remember that big ice storm a few years ago? I was too stupid to move my pickup from under a big tree, so a big limb fell on it. I could relate strongly to the guy in your story. Ron

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    • What I hoped would come across was that the tree was already down when Kelly wormed the car under it. Guess I came up short on that visual image.

      Like

  4. Nicely told tale. You “pegged” Kelly’s tone.

    I like to think how Ed Bundy is now living the life married to Sofia Vergara. Nice work if you can get it.

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  5. Loved your introduction Russell, even if you hadn’t mentioned the name of the show, I think most people would have said, “I know that show…Married with Children” 🙂
    I didn’t think about the branch being on the ground, but knowing Kelly, I did figure it was most probably a low-down-on-the-tree branch. Having a branch simply fall from a tree is so boooring. You need a “Kelly” to make it interesting. Good going Russell, you never disappoint 😉

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  6. Funny as is–a humorous take on a first-day-on-the-job horror story; but truth be told, it is funnier when you get that she tried to park under a downed tree.

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  7. Dear Russell,

    He’s always wrong….

    Loved your story and can sympathize entirely with Kelly. Customer’s always right, even when they’re not.

    Aloha,

    Doug

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  8. An amusing flash. Great take. Well written dialogue truly brings these characters to life.

    And from the years of customer service – I sympathise!

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  9. Yes, this could be a scene from a TV sitcom where everybody walks on and sits on a sofa to say something – usually very loudly, like everybody is hard of hearing. Very funny, especially if you take the view that she has parked the car under a half-fallen tree. A point of grammar: I think you mean either ‘what the customers tell you’, or ‘what the customer tells you’.:)

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  10. Russell, great overture to this piece; loved the Married with Children material! It took me a while to get the story itself though. When I finally did, it was funny, but somehow it needs a bit of rephrasing to be clearer. Or maybe I just need to be clearer. A very funny idea, however!

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    • No, you’re right. It could be clearer. You weren’t the only one who stumbled wading through the words trying to find the message.

      Like

  11. Russell, I remember that show and especially the “Peeeggg.” Now that you mention it. You capture the characters great here. This could have easily been part of an episode. Very funny!
    Amy

    Like

  12. Russell I loved Married With Children, although we were always a series behind the USA.This story made me smile because it was so true of the programme, thank you for a laugh to start my day
    Dee

    Like

  13. Well, I loved Pumpkin’s “What? What’s the big deal?” attitude. There was a time when both my daughters would have said something like that! And just thinking of the Married with Children theme song reminds me of those days!

    And I’m voting “yes”.

    Like

  14. I can see the wide-eyed look of innocence on their face now. My wife loves to read my stories of customer service nightmares that she finds online, both terrible customers and terrible service.

    Like

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