Safety First

I was walking on a 4-wheeler trail in the woods the other day when, for no apparent reason, I pulled a muscle in the calf of my right leg.  There were no rocks in the path, the terrain was flat, even, and clear of obstacles.  The only reason I can think of is my body wanted to remind me what excruciating pain felt like. In the words of President Geo. Dubya Bush, “Mission accomplished!”

In hindsight, perhaps it was to remind me that I have two good legs and all of my other parts are in reasonably good working condition considering their age. Many people are not so blessed and I should not take my good health for granted—message received. 

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the guardian angel of the Fictioneers is Aunt Matilda Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF  Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Kent Bonham
copyright – Kent Bonham

“Hey Dad, someone’s at the door.”

“I wish those Watch Tower people would find another castle to call on.”

“No, it’s the men in suits who were here last month.”

“Good morning Mister . . . I mean, Count . . . .”

“Never mind the formalities,” snarled the Count. “Vat do you vant?”

“Just a follow-up visit regarding handicap accessibility to the don-jon. At OSHA, we take these things seriously.”

“Very well. See for yourself.”

“And the torture chambers—have they been modified?”

“Yes, yes, the roller, cutters, rack, and kneading machine—all up to specification. No lumpy, half-baked employee can accuse Count Monte Crisco de Pillsbury of not making reasonable accommodations.”

33 Comments on “Safety First

  1. Hi Russell,
    We need more vampire stories, so I was excited to see this. Right now, I’m only able to fill 23 hours a day with vampire TV, movies and books. I expect your story to become a vampire comedy sitcom sometime in the next week or so. Only a zombie story would have been more trendy. Ron


    • We would have needed full fledged safety ramps for zombies, can’t have them stumping their toe. It might make them start moaning.


  2. ” No lumpy, half-baked employee can accuse Count Monte Crisco de Pillsbury….”–couple of chuckles in these few words to say nothing of the whole post. Much fun.


  3. After reading this post I suddenly got a craving for a crescent roll.

    I hope your sore calf muscle is healed now. I hate those out of nowhere pulls and strains, or in your case, on a 4-wheeler trail in the woods. That must have squashed the fun factor.


  4. Count Dracula, meet the Occupational Safety and Health Administration! They’ll tie you up in red tape, which I know is your favorite kind of tape! An inspired idea, Russell, and there’s nothing wrong with another vampire or two in this day and age. It’s the Jewish vampires I’m sick of!


    • Just one more thing for our government to meddle in. I’m sure his personal property taxes went up after the improvements too.


  5. Hahahaha! GREAT take on this pic, Russell!

    In fact, I heard the Pillsbury Doughboy died. They held his funeral yesterday afternoon at 3:50 for 12 minutes.


  6. Ah…. one thing, though, darling — he might want to put some protective coverings on all the spikes in the Iron Maiden — someone could poke their eye out!


  7. Nice to hear that torture is equal opportunities these days. Presumably you cater to all regardless of race, religion and sexual persuasion too?


  8. Ve haf vays of bringing it all up to code. Great story, Russell, and many thanks for the laughs! I hope the Count serves up piping hot cinnamon buns to all his guests who make it up the handicap-accessible ramp.


  9. Rochelle is a guardian angel. I think this one is now my favorite. Oh, so clever, Russell. How you come up with this material I’ll never know. Thanks for the laughs.


  10. Hi, Russell, I forgot to update my Links and missed yours, so here I am. Those men in suits! Jehovah’s witnesses come by in suits. I once got ambushed by them, thinking they were from the Tax Office come to audit me. They nearly burnt me at the stake for being both a woman and a Jew!


  11. So glad OSHA’s on the ball (or the rack). Can’t think of anything worse than out-of-code torture apparatus! 🙂

    Loved meeting you this weekend. Thanks for taking the time to come up and say hello to all of us and it was great to meet your wife, too.



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