I came home yesterday to find another Home Improvement magazine in the mail. I was livid. On multiple occasions, I had discussed this at length with our mailman, informing him that such publications fill Connie’s head with new ideas which always lead to more projects assigned to me.
“Tomorrow morning, I’m going to call the post office and give them a piece of my mind,” I raved.
“That’s what I love about you,” said Connie. “No matter how little you have, you’re always willing to share.”
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I encouraged my daughter to enroll in the Maybelline Advanced Drivers Course for Women.
Instructors start with basic, left-knee steering and add more complicated maneuvers as the student gains confidence in hands-free operation of the vehicle.
To pass the course, students must be able to safely navigate the freeway at seventy miles per hour, simultaneously text their BFF with one hand, apply mascara with the other, and scream at unruly children in the back seat.
Her diploma included a Beauty of the Boulevard ankle bracelet and a gift certificate for Maybelline eye-care products.
I couldn’t be prouder of that girl.
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This is the blog of a woman who is seriously on the edge and I mean right ON the edge…no, not there… just a little bit further… further than that…no, further still…just a tiny bit more… just move slightly to the right a little…no, that’s too much…just move a tad to the left…that’s right, just there…now you’ve moved too far to the left… Damn, what part of the ‘on the edge’ do you not understand? Oh, and her matricidal boy genius, come devil spawn.
Or the three people I guilted into reading this blog, whatever.
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I may make you feel, but I can't make you think.
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AS I TOLD THE GIRL THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO, THANKS FOR LAUGHING AT ME HERE TODAY.
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