Dodging Miss Daisy

I came home yesterday to find another Home Improvement magazine in the mail. I was livid. On multiple occasions, I had discussed this at length with our mailman, informing him that such publications fill Connie’s head with new ideas which always lead to more projects assigned to me.

“Tomorrow morning, I’m going to call the post office and give them a piece of my mind,” I raved.

“That’s what I love about you,” said Connie. “No matter how little you have, you’re always willing to share.”

If this is your first visit to Friday Flash Fiction, our Professor of Blogology with a masters in 100 word stories, is Dr. Fictoria Roseannadanna Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block, click here.

PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

I encouraged my daughter to enroll in the Maybelline Advanced Drivers Course for Women.

Instructors start with basic, left-knee steering and add more complicated maneuvers as the student gains confidence in hands-free operation of the vehicle.

To pass the course, students must be able to safely navigate the freeway at seventy miles per hour, simultaneously text their BFF with one hand, apply mascara with the other, and scream at unruly children in the back seat.

Her diploma included a Beauty of the Boulevard ankle bracelet and a gift certificate for Maybelline eye-care products.

I couldn’t be prouder of that girl.

 

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44 thoughts on “Dodging Miss Daisy

  1. I hear there is a graduate course in Advanced Angry Birds! 😀
    I keep telling the mail carriers “No bills!” but they keep bringing them anyway!
    Hilarious as always! 🙂

  2. Ha ha ha! Your intros kill me…
    As for that driving school… Methinks there are enough “graduates” already on the roads, thank you very much…

    1. Are you insinuating I don’t have much mind to give away? I appreciate your honesty, Dale. You’re not the first to make that confession.

      As for the drivers, if you can’t beat ’em . . . .

  3. Dear Mr. Daisy, you ignorant slut,

    Thanks a lot for sending that kid out among unsuspecting highway nose-pickers. I’m pretty sure I encountered your brat. I wondered with one hand on her phone and the other combing her hair how she could be driving as she wobbled down either side of the yellow line. It was one of the ultimate thrills of my life. In fact I saw it pass before my eyes. I feel educated now. Thanks for the information and the two for one story.

    Shalom

    Dr. Fictoria Roseannadanna

    1. Dear Dr. Fictoria Roseannadanna,
      So that was you? Poor Regina came home in tears over a road rage nose-picker in a purple sedan. At first, she couldn’t see the driver, just some curly hair poking up behind the steering wheel. Regina was right in the middle of texting her BFF about how drunk everyone got at the after-Prom party, when you started honking your horn and waving the middle finger. She almost dropped her phone (thank God for auto-correct). She also said that every time she looked up you were stopping in front of her at every red light and stop signs, causing her to have to slam on the brakes and almost put her eye out with the mascara brush. How rude!

      I bet your index finger tickled the back of your cranium when she bumped the rear of your car. That’ll teach you to drive like you’re the only one on the road. These are not the horse and buggy days, you know.

      If you don’t like the way she drives, stay off the sidewalk,
      Rachel Crofton

      1. Since you have no “like” buttons for comments… I have to write my like!
        This is as hilarious as is Rochelle’s comment (I refuse to leave to written likes for the same comment and response!)
        Fix that situation, would you?

      2. I’d love to, but I’m technologically challenged. Please send a 4th grader over to help me out. I’m sure they’d have it fixed in less than two minutes.

  4. One of those graduates hit me a few days ago… send me the instructors name, I’d like to report it as a failed attempt to recognize and obey a traffic signal. grrrrr…..

  5. LOL, I love your take on the prompt this week.
    You know, I think this particular driving school really exists, thinking of all the prize gits on the roads around where I live. Mind you, some of them are a lot older than Daisy and more dangerous, as they’re slower at texting and so have their eyes off the road for longer. As for the mascara, they prefer to use a Maybelline eyebrow pencil instead and apply it with clown-like abandon D:

    1. Perhaps a Geriatric Driving School would be appropriate. Although I’m afraid most of the students would be in denial about their skills for fear of losing their independence.

      Love the line about the clown-like appearance. I’ve seen some of those too.

  6. Loved the intro. Once again another off the wall story that made me laugh. I just wonder if there is a Gillette driving school for the guys that drive and shave.

    1. Glad you enjoyed the intro. That’s usually my favorite part to write.

      Good call on the Gillette Driving School. Especially handy for the guys who shave their head.

  7. Apparently, the accident was caused at the casino. A case of bad gaming — liquor in the front and poker in the rear

    Then again, maybe it WASN’T at the casino after all ….

  8. That school sounds like the one my grandmother probably graduated from. A cousin said she was such a bad driver she ran over herself. She got out of the car without having the emergency brake on properly and tried to get back in while it was rolling. She limped for the rest of her life but went on driving. Here the only things that prevent more accidents are the jambs on the road. Hilarious post, Russell. 😀 — Suzanne

    1. I never claimed to be the world’s greatest driver myself, but applying eye make-up while driving seventy is just plain dangerous. I would either put my eye out or have it all over my face. Glad you enjoyed it, Suzanne.

  9. What a delicious sense of humour!! Your intro was a sample of what I could expect. Hilarious post, I truly enjoyed reading and look forward to reading more. A friend of mine (years ago) chuckled at an incident her husband encountered while driving and picking his nose on his way to work, must have hit a pot hole (we breed them Montreal) and his nose started bleeding which made a mess on his dress shirt…had to go home and change. I still chuckle when I see a business man at the stop light thinking his windows are camouflaged 😉

    1. Glad you enjoyed the humor. I love the nose-picking story. A friend of mine always accused the nose pickers of digging for gold. Now that everyone has a cellphone, I don’t see as many nose pickers as I used to. They’re all too busy to keep their sinus passages clear. Apparently, breathing ranks lower on the priority pole than texts, Facebook, etc.

      1. I don`t understand the cell phones anymore…since a law came out and police will even ticket you if you are holding it to check the time at a stop light…I guess they can`t catch all of them

      2. Those laws are very difficult to enforce. However, if you’re involved in a serious accident now, one of the first things they do is run your cellphone record to see if you were on a call or texting at the time of the accident.

  10. I think that multitasking comes natural for women… but maybe that’s a bit to much. I remember that Volvo tried to sell nail-polish to match the color of the car, but I don’t think it was a huge success…

    BTW: I would be more concerned about the highway racing school for boisterous boys…

    1. I don’t like to think about it either, but it’s a fact of life. I wonder when they are going to start M.A.S.T. – Mothers Against Stupid Texters?

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