The No-Selfie Zone

Posted on March 21, 2018 by

85 Comments

I received the nicest card in the mail yesterday. It had a picture of a sock monkey on the front and a hand-written note inside. The postage stamp was round and featured a textured kickball—truly unique.

It was from a fellow fictioneer who had ordered a copy of One Idiot Short of a Village. When shipping the book, I asked the post office for the least expensive option. They recommended sending it by stagecoach to St. Joe, MO, and Pony Express from there to a remote location in Montana, where a one-legged prospector would carry it through grizzly bear country to it’s final destination. They assured me it would arrive by mid-summer.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our online recorder who will help you stake a claim to your 100-word story is Howette Sprague Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

 

bjorn
copyright – Bjorn Rudberg

In much the same manner as a blind man finds his way down the sidewalk, sweeping a cane in serpentine fashion, owners of the Selfie Stick wander through life with their arm and telescoping rod fully extended.

The primary difference being the blind man is seeking to safely navigate from point A to point B, while the stick-bearer, captivated by the magnetism of his own image, tends to stumble into light posts and parked cars.

After watching a dozen stick-bearers tumble off into the ravine, I petitioned the Mayor of Jellystone to rename this area The Tar Pit of Idiots.

*the above is an excerpt from “Saving Hollywood” one of the short stories in One Idiot Short of a Village.

Category: humorTags: , , , , , ,

85 Comments on “The No-Selfie Zone”

  1. Dear Yogi Grin-And-Bear-It,

    Ah the selfie stick…it’s not enough that people fall into holes or end up in head-on collisions while glued to their dumb-phones. Stupidity so clear a blind man can see it. Love the new look of the website. Colorful and inviting. Adjusting my bow tie. Good morning to you.

    Shalom,

    Howette Sprague W(T)F

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

    • Dear Howette Sprague W(T)F,

      Yes, they even walk out in front of cars with their earbuds firmly in place. Not the sharpest knives in the drawer. Glad you like the new look. I like having the additional tabs at the top too. Get your bow tie on straight before heading over to Emmett’s.

      Having fun recording all those claims,
      Yogi Grin-and-Bear-It

      Like

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  2. Gee, my copy of “One Idiot Short of a Village” took so long to come here it was called “One Idiot Short of a Village Waiting to Discover Fire.” It was post-marked through Atlantis. It WAS worth waiting for though!

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

    • Thank you for your purchase, Perry, and for the outstanding Amazon review. I’m sure you remember when they discovered fire, although I doubt you had any hand in inventing the wheel. Keep looking for that cesspool of middle age. I’m sure it’s out there somewhere.

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  4. This post is a real winner, Russell. I sat here and laughed out loud. My bank in the U.S. is Wells Fargo. I wonder if they sometimes still use wagons. By the way, I have an ebook copy of “One Idiot Short of a Village” which was sent electronically thank goodness as I’m in India and no telling how long it would have taken a boat to bring it. 😀 — Suzanne

    Liked by 2 people

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  6. LOVED this.
    and I do not see very many selfie sticks anymore (dude, those are like so 2015…? – jk…)
    but the social dynamic you grabbed is spot on (get it – spot on..)
    anyhow, another great takeaway for me is the opening story…

    “They recommended sending it by stagecoach…”
    very fun!
    but it also hit home because I have had some cocky postal employees get rude over the years.
    For a long period of time we were at the post office a lot- and one holiday season we were sending DVDs and one local post office gave this crazy high price (and when you are mailing 40 it adds up) and so decided to go to a different branch (all part of the same federal system) and price was half cheaper.
    anyhow, we barely mail stuff anymore, but it seemed to me that one of the postal workers least favorite question ever had to be:

    what is “the least expensive option?”

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    • Great comment. I got a chuckle from it, especially the post office story. Business is kind of slow at the old P.O. today. If it weren’t for the junk mail, they wouldn’t have anything to deliver.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      • haha – yeah – and in our town (richmond va) a midlothian PO just got busted for tossing trash.
        funny thing is a few years back the hubs mailed some stuff for me – from that place – and it never arrived.
        now it makes me wonder….
        it ended well in the end –
        but I heard the old PO (USPS) is having major changes to their structure?

        Like

    • Thanks, Jilly. There are people on Facebook who post new photos of themselves everyday. The good news is, they are easy to buy for at Christmas. Just get them a mirror and they’re entertained for hours.

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  11. Serious LOL! I’ve had several people stumble into me as they were glued to their phones and not watching where they were walking. That’s when I bring out the Ratso Rizzo impression 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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  12. Love the complex delivery options. That probably why I’ve been seeing storks lately and little men riding on sparrows, or maybe that’s all related to the cheap tequila I was drinking. One never knows. Loved this line, “…captivated by the magnetism of his own image…” What’s even funnier is a lot of these folks have little apparent magnetism to justify such fascination. Fun post all round. Loved it all.

    Liked by 1 person

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  16. I’d be embarrassed to carry a selfie-stick. I’ve always considered it a rather tacky display of narcissism. Your humor made the story work, though, so that even the person with the selfie-stick was kind of likable

    Liked by 1 person

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  17. I do love the comparison of the blind man’s stick and the selfie stick. I think the truly blind see much better than those attached to their phones! I’m glad you found it lovely to get a sock monkey card and a kickball stamp in the mail. A review on Amazon will be on its way as soon as I finish memorizing what golgi tendons and semimembranosus do.

    Liked by 2 people

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  20. Haha! So funny. I hate selfie sticks – what is the matter with people that they need to take so many pics of themselves? As the world becomes more overcrowded, do we need to keep reminding ourselves we’re still here? Great story Russell

    Liked by 1 person

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  21. I don’t mean to sound callous, or promote violence in any shape or form, but I feel that anyone wandering about such an idyllic spot with a phone on a stick deserves to die.
    Want to borrow a couple of my AA members?

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • Absolutely. I think this is the first time I’ve killed anyone off, or at least drowned them in a tar pit, but these folks definitely deserved it.
      Yes, send ’em over.

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  23. if there’s any consolation, the selfie stick will be replaced by a drone. it’s becoming so sophisticated that it can now be programmed to follow your every move or somebody else’s. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • The have a device (or app) for everything. There’s an ad on TV that says, “Let Google Do It.” Pretty soon, they’ll have a drone that can wipe your bottom.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

    • Ha! I hadn’t seen do the Fernado “Marvelous, Darling” skit in a long time. That was great!

      Email or message me your mailing address. They’e $18 + postage.

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  28. Evolution will ensure that the next batch of humans will be born with an additional extendable arm and duck lips. Reminds me of the time when I was in year 7, the picturesque hill station I was schooling in was agog with the news of am incident involving a honeymooning couple. The husband wanted a really good picture near what we called “Land’s End”. So he was giving directions to the the wife to move a bit here, a bit there and as a result sent her tumbling down the mountainside. In these selfie stick times they probably don’t need instructions.

    Liked by 1 person

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  29. I wish I could be clever and add something humorously worthy but I’ve arrived late (as always, Latins are always late – you know, I’m grand and I’m here notice-me entrance). Teacher, everyone took my comment. Sssoooo … I’ll just say, “Ditto”.
    Isadora 😎

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  32. Brilliant narration, Russell.
    Loved the analogy between a blind man’s stick and the selfie stick .
    Thanks for the laugh.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  33. Good story, Russell. I liked your analogy. It’s always that last step for the best selfie. 🙂
    And, unfortunately, authorities in many countries have had to put up signs limiting selfies because of the number of deaths associated in certain areas.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  34. Pingback: The No-Selfie Zone — What’s So Funny? – Adijutt

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