Russell Gayer, author speaker
They say time is relative. Funny, but I don’t remember having a relative named Time. I did know someone whose last name was Time that I was quite fond of. His first name was Quitting. We got along extremely well and often shared a beer or two after work.
Quitting came from a rather large family and had a good number of cousins. One of them became a lightning rod for controversy. People either loved or hated him. Complaints range from having to reset clocks twice a year to blaming physical illnesses on him. He is also charged with being a thief. Daylight Savings steals an hour every spring, but gives it back in the fall. I wonder what he does with that hour during the nine months he keeps it?
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our faithful facilitator, who takes a licking and keeps on ticking, is Jonnette Cameron Swayze Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
“Perry, you attended the Pre-Paint-Drying Banquet last night. How do you see this battle shaping up? Is there one player who might come from nowhere to pull off an upset?”
“Keep an eye on ‘Plain Jane’ Jones. If she performs with the same intensity and passion she displayed in my hotel room last night, she’ll blow this thing wide open. That is, if she’s not too exhausted.”
“Perry, surely you don’t mean—”
“That’s right, JB. She painted all four walls and the ceiling. We spent the next six hours just lying on the bed watching it dry.”
*the above is an excerpt from “The Joys of Watching Paint Dry” starring the never-popular Perry Block, who happens to be celebrating a birthday today.
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This is the blog of a woman who is seriously on the edge and I mean right ON the edge…no, not there… just a little bit further… further than that…no, further still…just a tiny bit more… just move slightly to the right a little…no, that’s too much…just move a tad to the left…that’s right, just there…now you’ve moved too far to the left… Damn, what part of the ‘on the edge’ do you not understand? Oh, and her matricidal boy genius, come devil spawn.
Or the three people I guilted into reading this blog, whatever.
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There was a bit of an eyebrow raiser in there immediately before the mundane finish.
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That’s Perry for you. He really knows what to do with a woman once he gets her in his hotel room.
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Dear Tommy-Justin DaNikov Timex,
I thought Perry had sworn off birthdays since it’s so close to Yom Kippur. I wonder if Plain Jane Jones would be interested in a notso quickie in Missouri. Our house could use a coat or two.
Watching the weather reports from the coast and hoping my brother’s watch will still be ticking next week. At any rate I need to go unwind. Perhaps I’ll go watch some paint dry. Or twist my wristband.
Shalom,
Jonnette Cameron Swayze W(T)F
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Dear Jonnette Cameron Swayze W(T)F,
Methuselah may have sworn off birthdays, but I reminded him by email and on Facebook how old and dried up he is. I’m sure he spent the day our shopping for Metamucil and Depends.
As an artist, I’m sure you spend a good deal of time watching paint dry as well. Although watercolor drys so fast it’s like watching a NASCAR race compared exterior enamel. Better buy an extra box of wine.
Hoping your brother stays dry,
Tommy-Justin DaNikov Timex
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Ha ha – loved the way you wove in the surprise! Great story, Russell.
Susan A Eames at
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Thanks, Susan.
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Funny and punny. Gigled both in the intro and the body of your post. Bordering on the salacious, but only in the sense that she was actually painting the borders. 😊
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Thanks for teaching me about salacious (didn’t know you were home schooling adults too, did you, Andrea?).
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I thought I recognized that scene. Thanks for the laugh – again.
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Yes, it’s an oldie, but I just had to gouge Perry on his birthday. The poor guy is always a loser with the ladies.
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Daylight Savings should get a good whupping, I say.
As for the whole watching the paint dry… why waste such time when you could be over at MY place painting?
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It’s a spectator sport, Dale. The fun is not applying the paint. For guys like Perry & J.B., the thrill is sitting back and watching it dry. That should say something about how exciting their personal lives are.
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Hmm, this could be a contender against my own book “The Art of Plaiting Sawdust” in this year’s literary awards.
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The judges will have a tough cholce. Plaiting sawdust is a real thriller.
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Plain Jane Jones has an inexhaustible energy even after painting four walls and the ceiling! She is the winner.
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Definitely. And . . . her favorite color is vanilla.
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That girl is something else. What else, I’m not sure, but something.
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Quite a queue of work offers lining up for Plain Jane – I can add a few rooms to her ‘to do’ list as well.
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Admit it Iain, you just want to watch her paint.
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Ssssh Russell…
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Funny as always. I was a bit confused by your intro, actually thought that was a real story. 🙂
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Take your pick. You always get 2 for 1 here (although the intro is usually unrelated to the photo prompt).
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HAHAHA! I lost time and can’t find it!
Love the surprise ending! 😀
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How much time did you lose? If you’ll describe it, may be can help you look for it. Also, we could put a few posters up around town. Maybe who ever found it will give it back.
You are offering a reward, I assume.
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It’s probably in the invisible box. Call in the mimes! 🙂
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Good point. Where is Detective Lowry when you need him?
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Perhaps in the near future, the sport of paint-drying-watching will be included in the Olympics.
Serious question: were you already funny as a child?
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I’d hate to go up against the Chinese in a Watching-Paint-Dry competetition. They have such self-discipline and concentration they could wait out slow-drying enamel. I’m more of an interior latex guy myself.
Answer: some of my childhood companions considered me a smart-ass. 🙂
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I am glad I read this in time, and out of time. These words are timeless.
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I wouldn’t go that far, Kelvin. Paint two quarts of pale blue and call me in the morning.
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Okay. Painted. Now all I need is that number. 🙃
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Reblogged this on Musings on Life & Experience and commented:
A great two for free blog today from Russell. There’s also a free plug for Perry Block’s new book, THE JOYS OF WATCHING PAINT DRY. If you want more of Russell’s great humor just click on the book covers on the right of this blog. You can also help him out by reblogging this post from your blog.
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Thank you for helping make Perry’s birthday brighter, Suzanne. Let’s hope his son took him to watch a freshly painted shopping center dry to celebrate the occassion.
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I’m sure I’ve known some members of the Time family, Russell. They’re an active group. 😀 — Suzanne
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They certainly are. And seems they’ve been speeding up in recent years.
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I heard Plain Jane Jones got disqualified for using an invisible brush.
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You should read about her competitor’s brush (the Cajun). It’s made from Rougarou hair and supposedly contains black magic.
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Teehee! What a tease you are Russell! I was once familiar with Closing Time. He was not the most popular fellow in the pub.
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Right you are, Penny. I met Closing a few times. Brutish fellow, always telling people, “Go Home!, Get the Hell Out!” I think his only friend was the bartender.
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Cleverly put together.
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Thanks for making Time to read it and leave a comment, Lisa.
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what a twist. for sure, i was expecting something else. 🙂
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And what was that something . . . ?
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Your humor is exactly what I needed today. Thanks,
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What a nice thing to say. I appreciate that.
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As someone who’s doing quite a lot painting at the moment, I can vouchsafe that watching it dry can be peaceful and calming after all the preparation beforehand. Great practice Jane and Perry got in before the main event.
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Yes, I think Perry was in heaven.
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My word this is bordering on the 50 shades of grey territory.
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Nah, just slightly off-color.
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So painting is just the foreplay for the excitement of watching it dry… chromophilia is a deviant vice
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Exactly. I’m sure Perry was salivating like Pavlov’s dog.
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Painting and panting becomes the same
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You need stamina in this paint drying business
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Funny story. Great gift your fellow funny man.
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