Subtle Aspirations

Last week we tackled the delicate issue of how to eat an animal cracker. Today, we’ll address a less violent act of dining, how to use a paper napkin. Upon observing a group of diners last night, I can say with absolute certainty that most napkin users fall into two categories; the Folder, and the Wadder.

The Folder gently folds his napkin in half, or quarters, before gently wiping his mouth. This method allows the user to refold the napkin multiple times, always having a clean surface to work with. The Wadder scrunches the napkin into a ball and swabs at his mouth as if he’s polishing his favorite pair of shoes. He rotates the ball after each swab, always having a clean surface to work with.

Both methods prove to be effective. How do you use a napkin?

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the resident authority on 100-word count etiquette is Elizabeth Post-Toasties Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright – Dale Rogerson

 

“Keith, why the duct tape on the door?”

“My neighbor has been spying on me, Neil. She’s a young widow, very attractive.”

“Why would she be spying on you?”

“Recently, I’ve been flirting with the idea of joining a nudist colony. So I thought I’d get comfortable by practicing at home.”

“But why just use patches of tape? She can still see in.”

“Based on the angle from her window, she can only see part of me. The taped section hides my modesty.”

“Has it proved to be effective?”

“Yes. So far, she’s brought me two pies and bread pudding.”

 

 

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46 Comments on “Subtle Aspirations

  1. Nothing better than when I burst out laughing out loud with your stories, Russell! This was great!

    As to the napkin thing… I fund the scrunchers always look so uncouth. And let’s face it, that napkin ain’t worth a damn if the scruncher is eating ribs…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Dear Vincent Viva-Bounty,

    I live with a napkin folder. Not only does he fold them, he stacks them and saves them for later. I’m more a cruncher, although sometimes I fold. Daring to be different.
    Not sure the duct tape will block out the scenic view. Keith probably uses his napkin to dress for dinner.

    Shalom,

    Elizabeth Post-Toasties W(T)F

    Liked by 2 people

    • Dear Elizabeth Post-Toasties W(T)F,

      Good for him. Get more mileage from your napkin, that’s what I say.
      I refuse to speculate on how Keith uses his napkin, but let’s just say he gets the job done.

      Happy skiing,
      Vincent Viva-Bounty

      Like

  3. He could have tried just putting the tape right on the bits he wanted to cover. Then he could have moved around behind the glass much more freely. Wouldn’t have made such a funny story though.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m a folder too. This goes back to my early days working as a printer. We were only alloted so many shop towels a week and to make them go as far as possible they must be folded correctly to get a minimum of six wiping surfaces. Old habits are hard to break.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m a scruncher who aspires to be a folder. It’s hard to change a long-scrunching habit!
    I must be missing the obvious… how does her gifts of two pies and bread pudding confirm to him that she can’t see his… eerr … lower parts?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Much of it is left to the reader’s imagination. She can see as much or little as you want. The gifts of pie and bread pudding are to confirm that she likes what she sees.

      Liked by 1 person

      • If she has two functioning eyes, she’s probably getting two eyefuls. Ah… I thought she was trying to fatten him up because she found him too scrawny.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Glad you honed in on that, Lish. A newcomer might be more self-conscious of how they walked, stood, etc., in a nudist camp. I’m still not sure how you’d ever get comfortable with it.

      Like

  5. This was so funny. She clearly is intrigued, Hiding a bit is more tantalizing than showing it all, he is clever. And I’m a folder, and also a hoarder. When I can get more than one napkin I grab it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Keeping somethings partial hidden is why lingerie sales are always so high. He definitely got her attention.
      I like extra napkins too. The glove compartment of my car features napkins from a variety of restuarants.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Mystery is a good thing. It makes people want to reveal that which is hidden.

      The napkin issue makes for an interesting study. I’m a folder too, but where we live there are a lot of wadders in the community.

      Like

  6. I hope it’s only the door that’s getting the duct tape treatment, otherwise ripping duct tape off the body can be a pain, I think he should hold out for lasagne at least.

    Liked by 1 person

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