What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
The Bogey
How many of you remember the horrors of National Dental Hygiene Week?
All students were forced to chew pink pills called “disclosing tablets,” whose cherry-red residue revealed every flaw between your teeth. Then an adult in a lab coat would pry open your mouth and utter comments like, “Hmm, Uh huh, and Ut oh,” as if you were a mule headed for auction.
After the examination, they’d scratch red Xs on a form depicting your upper and lower teeth. We were instructed to take the form home, shove it in our parent’s face, and demand better dental care.
The only good that came out of this was pretending to be a blood-sucking vampire.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our dental hygienist is Vladmira Diesel Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
When Shelley was in a good mood, decorating cakes served as a form of artistic expression. She loved seeing people smile when they picked up their cake.
On a bad day, it was a mindless activity that kept her hands busy while she vented frustration or anger. Today was such a day.
While decorating a golf cake, ordered by a secretary for her boss’s birthday. Shelley mashed a little plastic golfer into the green icing and stabbed a pin flag with the number 60 next to a hole she’d poked with her finger.
“Let’s see you make this putt, asshole.”
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* another excerpt from Criminal Mimes
38 Comments on “The Bogey”
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What's So Funny? 
This makes me how many little acts of minimum wage rebellion take place around us without us knowing. I’m sure we could all confess our own. Maybe I’m too young to do the disclosing tablets or maybe they didn’t do it where I grew up, not sure. Now I have to go ask my parents about it. 🙂
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When you’re mad, it’s important to have a place to let off steam. Inanimate objects never gossip.
If you had experienced the disclosing tablets, you’d remember. They weren’t unpleasant tasting, but the processes was rather demeaning. No one passed with flying colors (pun intended).
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Haha! Funny story. Sticking to the man.
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Shelley didn’t know the golfer. Unfortunately, the golf cake got between her and the object of her wrath, Detective Cyrano Blockson.
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Dear Chef Boy-R-Don’t,
I do remember those red tablets. I was sure all my teeth would fall out by time I was 20 from my poor dental hygiene. Now I take great care of my teeth and still am facing a second dental implant.
Yeah I”m sure there were days Shelley wanted to poison the icing. And there’s nothing more endearing than having one of those intellectual customers come in and say, “Kin I get this cake wrote on?”
Two weeks in a row? This could become a habit if you’re not careful.
Shalom,
Vladmira Diesel W(T)F
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Dear Vladmira Diesel W(T)F,
We called Dental exams The Day of the Red Plague. There must be a more positive way of getting kids to do a better job brushing than mass humiliate them with red food coloring. Even the dentisti’s kid failed.
“Kin I order one for Ms. La Petite Voleuse and have ya paint a set of handcuffs on it?”
Chef Boy-R-Don’t
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At least she didn’t spit in the cake mix
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Don’t give her any ideas, Neil. I may be visiting in her neck of the woods later this year.
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I will admit my first mind ran in a similar direction to Neils!
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Those little pieces you think are nuts . . . boogers.
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😀 😀 😀
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🙂
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Never have Shelley make your cake when she’s in a bad mood.
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Wise words, James. Phantom of the Bakery.
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This was well written, but also gave me a huge knot in my stomach. I have ordered a coffee from the state of Georgia – to drive off and find a :loogey” or spit wad in it. We also think we had tainted food a few times, and so this was meant to be humorous, and was, but it is scary too. And I think the putting poop in a dessert as revenge in the movie The Help (2011) planted a lot of seeds for people to mess with other people’s food and while that movie made light of it – it is very serious and dangerous and could do more than break a tooth or cause diarrhea – it can kill someone.
oh and we had a liquid to swoosh around and ours was blue – but the same – showed the plaque etc
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You’re, it can be dangerous and I do not advocate that. However, we used to have a problem where I worked with someone stealing lunches from the refrigerator in the breakroom. I put a sign on the door offering to feed the person if they couldn’t afford to buy/bring their own lunch. However, I was tempted to put an Exlax-laced burrito in there and teach them a lesson about stealing food.
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yikes – that would really teach them a lesson – and you know – your comment brings up a really good point. That person who was eating someone else’s lunch – um, I mean stealing it, well they are taking a lot for granted. They assume the person prepped the food with clean conditions and assume no additive – like ex lax – were added in. My my my theyhave some nerve to eat someone else’s food
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Some of those golfers can be so arrogant. 😉
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True. But that wasn’t the case this time. Just bad timing on his part.
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I’m glad I don’t live in her house. I wonder did the secretary say something to trigger her distaste?
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She’s in a good mood most of the time. Just don’t cross her.
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Just happen to catch this one. I dunno but Shelley appeals to me. You got her number? BTW, no such things as “disclosing tablets” in Philly that I recall. No wonder my teeth were long ago declared a disaster area by FEMA.
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Maybe your mouth was declared “sactuary teeth” and reserved for Matzo Balls.
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I wonder what she’d have done to a wedding cake in that mood.
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Ask Rochelle the next time you see her.
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😅I have to admit when I first saw the title I thought something else was going to end up in the cake …you might guess I’m not a golfer 🤣
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Neither am I, but I know a few. 🙂
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😃
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Hilarious story, Russell. I’ve had days like that, but have never had a way (or will) to get back at the boss. I do remember those dental hygiene pills (yuck). I love when you remind us of days gone by! 🙂
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Thanks Brenda. I’m also writing a short story about Picture Takin’ Day featuring a couple of eight-year-olds.
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Sounds like it’s not about the cake at all, but the cake decorator. Maybe she’ll be putting happily tomorrow…
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Let’s hope she calms down before someone orders a ___________. (fill in the blank)
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I remember those red tablets! Although no one pried our mouths open, thank god, I’d have been mortified. I was a very shy, anxious kid whose biggest fear was there would be a fire drill during gym and I’d have to go outside in my gym shorts. If I remember correctly we took ours home with a toothbrush.
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I think they sent us home with a toothbrush too. I found the experience rather demeaning.
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A good reminder to be very careful with Vladimira’s cakes. I’m always suspicious about processed food, and prefer to as much myself as possible.
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I assume the cakes from a bakery are homemade, and she is an excellent and creative decorator when in a cheery mood. Just be careful which day you pick.
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it’s always a good idea not to make the baker or cook mad. you never know what they might come up with. when my cousin was in the navy, an officer made him so angry that he added a touch of urine to his coffee. “served him right,” my cousin said.
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A little “spiked” coffee probably did him good.
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