What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
In the Lockup
There are hundreds of ways to get from point A to point B in an automobile. Some people careful study traffic patterns and time of day to determine the most efficient route. Not Cloris. She always takes the Longcut. She can’t cross the street without going around the block—sometimes circling the entire city.
When asked about her obsession with stretching a two mile drive into ten, her answers are evasive and include such gems as: “They had a garage sale on that street last month. They might still be open. I’m avoiding the main roads. I love the way speed bumps make your butt bounce off the seat.”
Do you know someone who insists on taking the Longcut every time they leave their house?
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our vertically-challenged bus driver who looks through the steering wheel instead of over it is Poke Salad Fanny Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
For two hours, the psychiatrist grilled Shelley about her family history and any problems she may have had prior to her arrest.
Then the doctor dropped a bombshell.
“Have you ever been diagnosed with mental illness?”
“Absolutely not.” Shelley’s hackles rose.
The doctor jotted a note. “How long have you been collecting Do-Not-Remove tags?”
“About ten years.”
The doctor smiled. “Have you ever taken one that belonged to someone else?”
“Maybe. They’re just stupid tags.”
The doctor nodded. “That’s all for now.”
Back in her cell, Shelley plopped down and buried her head in her hands.
They think I’m crazy.
Am I?
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31 Comments on “In the Lockup”
Leave a reply to Neil MacDonald Cancel reply
Purchase ‘One Idiot Short of a Village’
Purchase ‘The Perils of Heavy Thinking’
What's So Funny? 
I suspect being crazy is just someone else’s opinion. Where is the harm in that, unless!
I liked your preamble of getting from A to B.
I know a friend of a friend who plans her route to take left hand turns only (UK traffic), that way she never needs to cross or wait to turn right. (I don’t believe her). Imagine how many loops she must make.
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i remember driving on a country road. at a crossroads, i thought i should turn left, but i wasn’t sure, so i asked my friend, should i turn left?”
“Right,” she said.
so I turned right… and that’s when we got lost. 🙂
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I took an AARP Safe Driving Course online a few years ago. They recommended making right turns when possible (USA) and only turning left when absolutely necessary–again, many loops.
As for the little mime, and her penchant for Do-Not-Remove tags, she ate all their bran cereal too. Thus making her a “cereal killer.”
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Very good.
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Oops, accidently put my response to your comment under Plaridel’s.
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Certainly not. Just a tag obsessive….
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Exactly! 🙂
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It depends on the destination for me. Sometimes I like to take the long way ’round and hopefully discover something new.
As for the Tag Lady… crazy is as crazy does!
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You and Connie should ride together. I bet you’d find lots of stuff to get in to.
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You are probably right, Russell!
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😀 Thousands of criminals roaming the streets and someone who took tags is arrested?
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When she breaks into a house, she also eats all their bran cereal. We can have “cereal killers” running loose on the streets.
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Everybody needs a hobby.
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How true. And who are we to judge?
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Shelley’s made of sterner stuff. She’ll come through
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Yes, she’s resilient. Thanks, Neil.
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Oh my goodness – super fun with the “do not remove” tags as I just took one off a large pillow we recently bought – so LMAO with that
and my aunt has a way of offering shortcuts that usually take longer and bring annoyances. The last time she offered a short cut and i took it – we were 20 miles an hour with those huge speed bumps (not the fun ones) going through neighborhoods and constant stop and goes. When she offers a route suggestion, I thank her and kindly say I need to take the way on my GPS. even if it includes a toll or traffic
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The story about your aunt had me laughing aloud. I know the feeling. A ten-minute trip can take an hour.
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you are so right and your post got a lot of us talking!
Oh and sometimes my aunt did have the right shortcut – but rarely – lol
wishing you a great week and nice to read your post!
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There is nothing wrong with crazy if you aren’t at risk of harm to yourself and others. There’s nothing right with it, per se, either. In modern times being sane is insane.
I do have to wonder why the MC is in a cell…
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She got arrested for breaking & entering to steal an invisible guitar. This is an excerpt from my novel, Criminal Mimes.
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I hate driving n the interstate, so more often than not, I take a longer route. I like putting a little gravel in my travel. Does that make me crazy?Seems like I am in good company. 🙂
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Love the phrase “gravel in my travel.” It reminds me of the Lucinda Williams song, Car Wheels of a Gravel Road. One of my favorite CDs
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My quote is from Rodney Atkins.
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Checked out your song too, odd I never heard it before. Thanks!
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Poor Shelley. There goes her art exhibit… not enough do not remove tags to finish her masterpiece.
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She had about 7,000 before the cops got a search warrant and confiscated them. The good news is she’s getting treated for her mental health problems and not going to jail. However, there is no cure for her problem.
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Dear Samuel Longrider,
Sanity is highly overrated. I’ll admit to compacting a fifteen minute drive into a couple of hours, but that’s all I have to say about that.
You’ll have to excuse me now. I have to go practice my invisible violin. The imaginary music sooths the soul.
Shalom,
Poke Salad Fanny W(T)F
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Dear Poke Salad Fanny W(T)F,
I’m somewhat surprised by the number of confessions on taking the Longcut. Perhaps I’m alone in wanting to reach my destination in a timely manner.
I’m assuming you’ll play “My Heart Bleeds for You.” It always makes me feel better.
Happy Fiddling,
Samuel Longrider
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There are worse things to collect; but the question the psychiatrist is reaching for is “are you a collectomaniac or a kleptomaniac?”
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Shelley is both, Not only that–she is addicted to purple.
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