What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Planter’s Warts
Have you ever had an embarrassing medical problem that made you want to get on the internet and share it with the entire world? Me neither. But thousands of people do each and every day. I’m told that’s what Facebook is for—a place to share your pain and sorrow with others to help them avoid having to suffer through the same experience.
I bet people in Iceland are quite appreciative of photos of sunburned privates and the folks in China can’t wait to hear the details of your colonoscopy. In today’s story, a brave country farmer drops his drawers and bares the truth for the benefit of all you faithful readers.
If you are new to Friday Flash Fictions, don’t get squeamish in the examining room. Our chief physician, Dr. P. Jewels Wisoff-Fields, has cured folks with worse problems than yours. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. After which, scroll down to the blue In links critter and follow the links to other author’s blogs
“What seems to be the problem?”
“I got a bad case of planter’s warts, Doc.”
“And what makes you think that?”
“My wife and I bought this new fangled farm machine. The catalog said it would plant fifty acres a day. I’ve been riding it from sun-up to sundown for a month.”
“Where are these warts?”
“On my bee-hind. It hurts to sit down, and they itch something awful.”
“Pull you pants down and bend over that table. I’ll have look. Those aren’t plantar warts. They’re hemorrhoids, Mister . . . .”
“Fingers, Wallace Fingers, but everybody calls me Stinky.”
* * *
Great news! Dave Barry is coming to the Fayetteville Public Library tonight. It’s not often we have a great writer, particularly one of America’s premier humorist, visit NW Arkansas. I’m excited about going to see him, and hopefully some of his talent will rub off on me!
30 Comments on “Planter’s Warts”
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What's So Funny? 
Poor fellow. Great story. I’m still giggling.
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Dear Rump-Roast,
Quite a tale from the bottom side. Starting my day with a laugh.
thanks
Shalom,
Dr. P. J
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PS. Love your proct-tagonist.
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I hope he didn’t use candles.
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If any of Dave’s humor rubs off on you (I should probably pardon that expression, given the nature of your story), you’ll be humorously un-Barry-ble. Much fun!!
janet
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Hope our own Rump-Roast doesn’t become the butt of all jokes.
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How did we get to posterior humor from plantar warts, which I know for a fact do NOT grow on bottoms…other than the bottoms of feet? 🙂
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Ask Mr. Roast. Sure I don’t know.
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Obviously, Mr. Fingers doesn’t have a clue what plantar warts are. He has only heard the term and misinterpted it as “planter” and assumes it’s a condition that effects those in agriculture.
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Judging from tha picture the rusty new fangled farm machine wasn’t a very easy ride. It might have bee-hooved Mr. Fingers to get a tetanus shot, too. I hope you bond with Dave!
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I’m excited about it, WV. It’ll be a big time in the old town tonight!
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My friend in Boston attended a reading with David Sedaris last weekend. She said that afterward he took time to speak to everyone personally and it wasn’t “Hi, bye, next!” He REALLY talked to everyone individually. She was blown away that someone so big would be so kind.
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My daughter, Greta, met him at Nightbird Books in Fayetteville last year. He dropped in to sign some books prior to his reading at Walton Arts Center. She said he was extremely personable and a lot of fun to be around. I’ve read three of his books and enjoyed them all.
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Ye-uk! I would hate to be a doctor, although the salary would be useful…
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I’m laughing out loud, as per usual. Another masterpiece by one of my “go-to” authors. I’d like to meet the guy who inspired that character. Wouldn’t want to shake his hand …
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Oh, come on, Kent. You know you’re dying to shake his hand and will sniff your fingers afterward just to see if he lives up to his nickname.
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The things you come up with! Have fun tonight!
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That was very funny, though I’m now feeling quite squeamish…!
Sometimes I wish my imagination wasn’t so ‘literal’…!
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EWWWW! lol
On the other hand..way cool about Dave Barry!
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all this time, I never knew I was a farmer…. wait, this isn’t on the internet is it ?
made me laugh!
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I’m just sitting here shaking my head at ya Russell. You’ve come up with another rib tickler. Hope you never reach the bottom of the barrel of humour.
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You’re clairvoyant, Mr. Fingers! Just this week I had a plantar wart and had it removed by liquid nitrogen. It is hurting like a hemorrhoid right as we speak. There, I’ve shared my medical condition on the Internet! Now you share yours ….
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I went to the ear, nose, and throat doctor. Sometime was trapped in my ear hair. Come to find out, it was a Bengal Tiger. There, are you happy?
I’m so embarrassed 😦
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Well, you’re not “behind” the times with this little “grape” 🙂
Excellent story 🙂
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I was really enjoying that until we got to Mr. Fingers’ nickname. (I had to look up plantar warts, so now I know.) Another funny story that made me smile.
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well, he couldn’t help it.
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Very funny, right down to the details!
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Your characters always have a great voice. This is awesome.
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Thank you, David.
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Oh my goodness, what a twist at the end.
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