Methuselah Comes to America

It’s not everyday someone you know has a four-digit birthday. In fact, most people would consider crossing the century mark quite an accomplishment in longevity. But like Methuselah says, “After three or four thousand years, who’s counting?”

At his age, finding health insurance is almost as challenging as finding a date. Although, for enough money, he can purchase limited coverage. The female companionship however, remains in question.

If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, your Entertainment Director on this Cruise of Creativity is Julie “Twinkle-toes” Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF  “Collection of Authors” click here.

copyright - Jan Wayne Fields
copyright – Jan Wayne Fields

In the days before color (known as BC), Methuselah decided to emigrate to America. He’d spent twelve lifetimes herding goats in The Holy Land, and was looking for a nice place to retire.

His cousin, Hershel, sent him a brochure advertising an Eden in the new world called Florida. Allegedly, there was a Fountain of Youth hidden somewhere in this paradise of white, sandy beaches covered with beautiful bouncing babes. Methuselah threw on his kippah and boarded the first ship headed west.

Unfortunately, he made a wrong turn at Philadelphia and ended up in Havertown, PA. The rest, as they say, is history.


Today’s post (my 118th if anyone’s counting) is a birthday tribute to one of the funniest bloggers in America, my good buddy, Perry Block.

BTW, Perry – Scarlett Johansson said to tell you “Hi”

44 Comments on “Methuselah Comes to America

  1. Hi Russell,
    I think you’ve been spending too much time reading the Bible. BE CAREFUL. That will really warp you. Of course, you’re already pretty warped, so maybe it doesn’t matter. Never mind. Ron


  2. It will be a cold day in Hell when Scarlett Johansson tells either of you two duffers “Hello”! Me, that’s another story.

    Nice story, btw… Great, now I have to look up Haverstown, Pa.!


  3. Hahah! That Methuselah. Reading stories about Methuselah makes me feel really enthused! (I just noticed that the words Meth Use are in his name. Now that’s almost as much as an oxymoron as Dick Van Dyke!)


  4. i’m pretty sure immigrate should be emigrate. immigration is people coming into a country, and emigrate is people leaving. not 100% but pretty sure. love the BC part. consider changing “supposedly” to “allegedly,” sounds more official, as if the law may be involved. well done in a “spoof” kind of way.


    • Well, he definitely left the old country. Exiled might have been more accurate. 🙂
      I like allegedly too, it’s a much stronger word. Thanks for your input.


  5. “Mister Methuselah, what is the greatest achievement of man?”
    “Saran Wrap!”
    “What about the atomic bomb or the mission to the moon?”
    “Umm … yeah. That was good.”

    “A” plus!


  6. liked your intro – that’s the thing about getting older – without medical care one can’t keep a female companion happy 🙂


  7. Probably a good thing Methuselah ended up in Havertown rather than Florida–after twelve lifetimes of herding goats, I’d imagine the smell is pretty much permanent. Definitely not a beach babe magnet–


  8. Dear Hershel,

    Were they talking goats? What chapter of the Mel Brooks is this from. I can’t find it. I’m thinking it’s from the first book of Opinions. Nice tribute to our own cutie pie, Methuselah.




  9. Dear Russell,

    You’re charitable to call Perry Methuselah and a great friend to write such a glowing tribute. Good job. Scarlett says to say hello.




  10. He got so close and yet so far away. Of course, he has time to make it down there eventually. He could date an centenarian although it might feel like robbing the cradle for him.


  11. My favorite piece ever! Thank you, Russell!

    I especially liked the part where we first meet when I — as a young high school student in the 1960’s — comes to the old,old,old,old,old,old age home in Havertown PA to cheer up residents Methuselah and his two good friends, Joan Rivers and Cher. You were so funny that day in your attempts to drool saliva …I thought for a moment you might even nail it! I also enjoyed your stories about how you accidentally landed in Havertown PA and not Philly while I was busily cleaning your butt and diapering you.

    So odd that you’re the one who wound up with Scarlett Johansson! According to her, you don’t even need a credit card to keep her happy! Guess the stereotype about old Jewish men not being sexy does not apply to old Jewish men who have the names “Methuselah and Eve” carved into a tree somewhere.

    Thanks for the nice tribute, Russell! I’ll get you back one of these days.


  12. a wonderful tribute, really sweet. but i think i loved reading the comment thread more haha! damn, perry looks good for his actual age, need to know his secret. hilarious. 🙂
    i loved the BC line, worked well with the photo


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