Redneck Mythology (reprise)

Did you ever wonder why there were no mythological Gods of Redneck Folklore?

Me neither.

In the rural south, we have a rich history of idiots who have attempted feats beyond explanation, some have even lived to tell about it. Therefore, there’s no need to fabricate stories about fictional heroes in an attempt to create a rational account of things we don’t understand. Why waste a perfectly good Saturday night gazing at the stars asking, “Why?” when you could be sayin’, “Pass me another beer.”

 If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Scout Master responsible for providing the fuel for our virtual campfire of story tellers is Gabby Jo Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Lura Helms
copyright – Lura Helms

Billy Bob was half goat/half man. We won’t go into his genealogy, but trust me, his kinfolk still appear on tabloid TV.

One day, Billy Bob peeped over the fork of ash tree to spy on the Duke sisters (Daisy and Dixie), skinny dipping. Little did he know this particular tree was a Venus Fly Ash.

Bubba saw him and cried out, “Billy Bob, pull your head out of that ash!” But it was too late. The tree snapped shut on Billy’s head.

“He could’ve been President,” lamented Bubba. “Not everybody can stick their head that far up their ash.”

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33 Comments on “Redneck Mythology (reprise)

  1. Russell, Once again your mind has wandered on strange trails or dropped down a rabbit hole to a land where such things as goat men and venus fly ashes exist. Alice’s adventures were nothing compared with your’s. Hilarious as always. XD Your story made my day. Well done. 😀 —Susan

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  2. Wonderful, Russell, but you do need to stop kissing our “ash” with this kind of story! Again, your prelim made me laugh as much as the story:

    “Did you ever wonder why there were no mythological Gods of Redneck Folklore?

    Me neither.”

    By the by, a UA journalism prof and author, Murray Sheehan, wrote a thinly disguised satire of life in Fayetteville back in the 1920s called “Half-Gods” (he placed his town in Missouri but it is clearly Fayetteville) in which the protagonist is a centaur – which is at least similar to your Billy Bob.

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    • I thought Dave Barry met the Half-Gods when he visited the Fayetteville Public Library? At least, that’s what you told me.

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  3. Venus Flash? 🙂 Too cute. But the last two lines had me laughing and yet saddened at their truth! Was great to spend some time again with you and Connie.

    janet

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  4. Dear Billy Bob,

    I’m laughing my ash off as I did the first time I read it.

    I’ll four Janet’s Roger in saying how nice it was to spend time with you and Connie in our Mythos-logocal meeting place. I’m enjoying your book.

    Shalom,

    Gabby Jo

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  5. Okay, that sounds like my cousin Joe Ned. I haven’t seen him since he yelled watch this and jumped off White Rock mountain holding on to a rope he found lying on the trail.

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  6. Hilarious post, Russell, and as a beer-quaffing Northerner, i appreciate the educational component. Considering Billy Bob’s thwarted political future, in his honor maybe the Washington Redskins should be renamed the Washington Ash Holes?

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  7. Dear Russell, Is Billy Bob kinfolk? Too bad, you won’t get to spend the night in the Lincoln Bedroom because he put his head in the ash. I love your story! You keep all of us laughing each week Russell. Thanks, Nan 🙂

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  8. Russell, your story keeps me laughing every week. I just love reading your stories. They are one of the first ones I look for. Thanks again for another great story. Where you keep coming up with these, just baffle me.

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    • There’s a little factory between my ears. The people who work there all suffer from some form of mental disorder, therefore the stories often turn out half-baked. It’s the best I can do, considering the crew I have working for me.

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    • I think every elected official in Washington is related to Billy Bob. You could say they all share the same family tree 🙂

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  9. Y’all know that Billy Bob is related to one of our politicians don’t you? He has to be, no one could be as stupid as Clive Palmer and not be related. Good ole Clive makes an ash of himself every time he opens his mouth and starts bleating.
    I totally concur with Mike when he says, Where you keep coming up with these, just baffles me. Another brilliant piece, Russell 😀

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  10. Ha! Ha! Goata love this great work of Satyr. Poor Billy Bob taken just before he could curry favour from the Goatbusters.

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