Well Red . . . I mean Read

Contrary to popular belief, we DO have more than one book in our library. I know this to be true because my good friend Nancy Hartney, who works at the Fayetteville Public Library, donated her copy of “The Perils of Heavy Thinking” to that fine institution. This probably explains why, after 90 days on Amazon, I have yet to sell a single copy. Remember dear readers, books make excellent Christmas gifts.

While I’m at it, I’d like to debunk another theory. NO, we are NOT having baked hen for Thanksgiving.  Don’t even think about it. Connie’s hens will all die of old age and natural causes. I don’t know what kind of meat we’ll be serving—whatever the Good Lord provides on the highway I suppose.  Hopefully, it will be raccoon or groundhog as I’m getting rather tired of possum.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Pilgrim who sets the table with a photo prompt for us each week is Charity Hope Wisoff-Fields.  If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF  Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Randy Mazie
copyright – Randy Mazie

“Wake up, son.” Officer Ridgley nudged the young man’s ribs with the toe of his boot.

“Uh . . . okay.” Abram rolled into a sitting position, head hung low.

“Look at me. Your eyes are glassy and red. How much have you had to read?”

“Only a book and a half—and they were short stories.”

“Uh huh, I see. What’s in that backpack?”

Abram dumped the contents on the ground.

“Well, well, what have we here?” Ridgley fanned three textbooks across the grass. “Science, literature, calculus. Pretty heady stuff, kid. Sorry, but I’m going have to book you.”

“On what charges, Officer?”

“DOK—drunk on knowledge.”

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I’m apt to get arrested this week for exceeding the word limit. This story was clocked on radar at the obnoxiously high rate of 108. The good news is I’ll never be accused on being drunk on knowledge, and as far as I know, being dense as a block of granite is still not a crime.

 

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52 thoughts on “Well Red . . . I mean Read

  1. Russell, Hilarious. 😀 Hope something you like turns up on the highway soon. You’re going to have to get the copy of your book out of that library. You’ll never make money on it that way. Take heart as Christmas is coming. Talk up gifts for Thanksgiving. Well written as usual. 🙂 — Susan

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    1. You’re right, I’m sure the book is constantly on loan. Sales have hit a brick wall. I have been told it’s great bathroom material. I don’t know if they meant for reading or doing the paperwork.

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    1. I think the internet has just made it worse, Doug. People like you and Charity are always looking up facts and getting high on history. You need to be careful with that stuff. It’s easy to OD and black out like Abram.

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  2. Funny as usual and thanks for sending me the possum. I guess I didn’t realize I have to kill it, so it may be with me for a few more Thanksgivings, even into middle age (his, not mine, already passed that). I don’t understand why “Perils of Heavy Thinking” has not sold better. Perhaps the price of $75 is a bit offputting, but I understand how much it costs to put your picture on almost every page. Well let’s raise a toast to the holiday and get drunk on knowledge, followed by as much booze as necessary to wipe away all that knowledge. Oh, there goes the possum!

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  3. Dear Abram,

    I meet way too many people who will never be arrested for DOK. I hope something good turns up on the road for your dinner table in time for Thanksgiving. I, for one, am thankful for the humor I find when I come here. What’s so funny? You, sir .

    Shalom,

    Charity Hope

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  4. A clever response to the picture prompt. I imagine being Drunk on Knowledge would also be rather dangerous when driving. It would be difficult to drive well when constantly quoting Hobbes or Hamlet or debating the physical properties of dark matter. Entertaining food for thought.

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  5. Yes, they do make wonderful Christmas, birthday, and other gifts. Think in terms of books in the library as building a fan base. . . at least that’s the way I regard my three copies donated to our hometown institution.

    Finally, I’m glad to hear you and Connie are NOT having baked hen. Ever.

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  6. I think this is one of, if not the, best #FF of yours yet. Effective lead in, elegant joke, well told.

    Nicely done Russell.
    (And folks – this silly season, try to remember to ‘Read in Moderation’.)
    KT

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  7. Dear Russell, I always have to read your blog, story, and comments carefully without eating or drinking anything except water. I have sneezed out coke, coffee, juice, vodka, and other clear liquids while reading your punchline and almost choked. You crack me up Russell. Love your story – hey what about windshield kill? We had a pretty big black bird hit the car the other day – didn’t even break the window! So in the future, if you want, we will send it to you (of course we will ice the silly thing down) and fresh herbs and spices. Just let me know – by the way, I will be doubling your sales this week. So you had “Possum on a Plate” for Thanksgiving? Fine Vittles indeed! Well done! Nan

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    1. Thanks for being a faithful reader, Nan. I appreciate your kind words. What kind of black bird was it? Preferably, a wild turkey. I’ve eaten a lot of “crow” in my life, but I’m not ready to try buzzard. Thanks for doubling my book sales. This month’s sales record will be hard to top.

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  8. Great story this week! I hope that young man wasn’t biking while intoxicated too.

    Hope you enjoyed the raccoon feast over the holidays. We have 4 plump squirrels freshly caught after spending a week or so in our roof. Wanna pop on by and have a barbecue?

    All my best,
    Marie Gail

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