A Case of Mistaken Identity

The chicken “spa” is now fully operational. Last weekend, we dug a trench and ran electricity 175 feet from the old shop building to the upscale apartment complex formerly known as the chicken house. The ladies can now bask in the soothing glow of infrared heat, wallow in a dust-bath, or enjoy other amenities at the low cost of only a few eggs per week.

“Miss Connie gives the best deep-tissue massages,” says Hilary, a young Rhode Island Red. “She really knows how to work her fingers up under your feathers and release all that tension and stress. Plus, there a great fruit bar here with watermelon rind and fresh persimmons.  Next week, she’ll begin decorating for Christmas. I can’t wait to see what’s in my stocking.”

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the concierge who can direct you to some of the best writers in the blogosphere is Henny Penny Wisoff-Fields.  If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF  Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Claire Fuller
copyright – Claire Fuller

“Can you describe the assailant, Ma’am?” Detective Lowry tapped the touchscreen of his iPad.

“Well, he attacked me from behind, so I didn’t get a real good look at him. But his arms are white—white as snow.”

“Anything about his voice or mannerisms that might help us identify him?”

“He had this cute little giggle, like he was really enjoying himself—the pervert.”

“We’ll put some posters up based on your description. Do you think you could pick him out in a line-up?”

“Absolutely. He puffs a little white cloud every time he breaks wind. I’ll never forget that smell.”

_____________________________________________________________

Here’s the police line-up.

all three

 

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51 Comments on “A Case of Mistaken Identity

  1. Fun. Love the line-up. Thing is, it could be the Michelin Man or the doughboy. How confusing for the victim! Good luck with that chicken spa. Even I might move in.

    Like

  2. Oh dear, Russell! You literally snatched a half-baked story about three pasty brothers right out of my head. Glad I went another direction this week because you serve up the humor much better than I do, generally speaking. Fun stuff! I always look forward to your lighthearted romps through the Friday Fictioneers’ halls.

    Sounds like the holidays will be something extra special for those hens of yours. Just be sure not to break the news of any Thanksgiving turducken preparations to them or you might have a coup on your hands.

    Cheers!
    MG

    Like

    • They don’t claim to be related, but the resemblance is just too much to deny.

      We make it a point not to talk about poultry dishes or deviled eggs around the chickens. Perhaps Connie will make them a pan of cornbread and some fruit salad.

      Like

  3. Russell, I’m wondering about the StayPuff man. He already has a record from attacking the Ghost Busters. Also,I feel you can’t really trust those who never quit smiling. All three of them look guilty to me. Looks like you’re going to have a bunch of happy hens. Hilarious and well written as always. 😀 🙂 — Susan

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    • I don’t trust him either, Susan. But we can’t hold his past against him. He’s came to a couple of cookouts and he’s really a lot of fun.
      Poppin’ Fresh on the other hand, has a hard time keeping his hands to himself.

      Like

  4. I think Michelin Man is the perp, because, A) There’s poster up about him everywhere and B) He’s the only one who needs to be refilled with air. Simple, case solved. Henny Penny will be proud of you young man 😀

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  5. Dear Poppin’ Fresh,

    I always knew you could rise to the occasion even if you’re only half baked. But you know what they say, “Nothin’s like lovin’ from the oven…”

    If you excuse me, I have an appointment with Chicken Little and the sky is falling! The sky is falling!

    Shalom,

    Henny P.

    Like

    • Dear Henny,
      People have accused me of being full of a lot of things but you’re the first to call it yeast. Good luck with that sky thing.
      Poppin’ Fresh

      Like

  6. Russell, terrific job as usual! I think it was Poppin’ Fresh who was the pervert. Whenever you poke hiim in the belly, he “pops fresh” every time. And of course, he just loves being eaten.

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    • You nailed it, Perry. I knew the giggle would give it away. Plus, the word “fresh” is part of his name. Although, the Stay Puft guy likes to be eaten too.

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  7. I go with Poppin’ Fresh, too. Icons that have been around for a long time have a habit of falling from grace these days. It wouldn’t surprise me at all to learn that he has a burnt side.

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    • You’re right. Where have all the heroes gone? I find the accusations against Bill Cosby very upsetting and I hope they prove to be false.

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      • I don’t know what to think. My dad liked to say, “There’s two sides to every story and then there’s the truth.” Good luck finding out what’s the truth here. It does look to me like he’s being convicted in the court of public opinion, just like Woody Allen. So much for being innocent until proven guilty in the Internet age. This hysteria reminds me of the McMartin trial.

        Like

  8. Dear Chicken Man,

    The Pillsbury Doughboy turns to kneading others to satisfy his lustful desires. I love the detail of the dusty gas passing. Maybe that’s talcum powder.

    This was a good one, sir.

    Aloha,

    Doug

    Like

    • I just can’t pass up an opportunity for crude, juvenile humor. You’re the first to mention it so I guess that means we’re kindred spirits.

      Like

  9. That’s one of the most adorable line-ups I’ve ever seen. Unless they go all Ghostbusters and then that’s no so cool. I think the Michelin Man will hold up best under pressure, at least.

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  10. I’m so happy to hear that the girls are enjoying their spa dates! I’ve been picturing their cold little, stocking clad feet all week!

    But now a crime spree involving marshmallow men! What ever will I dream of tonight? 😉

    Like

  11. The dirty dog! I may not be able to dispel the imagery of this particular story. I’m off to bleach my mind right now.

    Like

  12. After the “white as snow” line, I thought you were going to head down a lamb related avenue. How misguided was I. Even so, a very good story. Had to chuckle when I saw the lineup

    Like

  13. I heard Poppin’ Fresh died this last week.
    His funeral was held yesterday afternoon at 3:50 for 12 minutes.
    Maybe it was the jeans that family gave him …

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  14. I’ve always thought the Michelin man looked suspicious – that wave of his looks suspiciously like a salute…

    Nice work 🙂
    KT

    Like

  15. Dear Russell, Love the story, the line-up, and the new chicken spa. You must live in a mansion! Wow! I’m impressed and those lucky hens have Connie to take care of them! Well done and fun! Nan 🙂

    Like

  16. I never thought I’d envy a chicken its housing options. Right now, house hunting, I am thinking of adding “Coop” to the list of acceptable houses.

    Like

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