C’mon, Baby, Light My Fire

After months of badgering by my beloved wife, I scheduled a return visit to the heart doctor for a check-up. Those of you who’ve read “The Incident” in The Perils of Heavy Thinking know all about my encounter with HPSS (Home Project Shock Syndrome) five years ago.

Dr. Boris Bogomilov is a rather short fellow who speaks good English, but with a heavy Russian accent.  Fortunately, I’ve watch thousands of episodes of Rocky & Bullwinkle and have no problem understanding his lingo. Thus far, I’ve resisted the temptation to ask him to say, “Moose and Squirrel,” or if he could see Sarah Palin’s house from his childhood home in Russia.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Surgeon General who demands we bend over and cough out new stories each week is Dr. Michaela Quinn Wisoff-FieldsIf you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF  Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Roger Bultot
copyright – Roger Bultot

“Evan and I are having problems.” Michelle pursed her lips and stared out the window. “We never talk. It’s like living alone.”

“What happened?” Becca caught the glisten of tears in Michelle’s eyes.

“It’s that damned Smart phone. If he’s not on Facebook, it’s Twitter, or YouTube, or Amazon. I could be making love to another man right here on the sofa and he’d never even notice.”

“Sounds like a serious addiction. Where is he now?”

“Upstairs. I asked him to draw me a hot bath. Know what he said?”

“What?”

“Sure, sweetheart. I’ve got an App for that.”

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61 Comments on “C’mon, Baby, Light My Fire

    • You should see our lunchroom at work during break time. Everyone staring at cell phones. Not a word is being spoken. The room is spooky quiet.
      Twenty years ago people would have been playing cards and telling jokes. Social media is no substitute for social skills.

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      • I know. When it got slow at work sometimes we’d talk, but most times everyone got on their smart phone, except me. I edited a novel, that’s now published. ;0)

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  1. Dear Evan,

    I’d like to find that hot bath app. I know how Michelle feels about the smart phone. My husband tells me I’m online all the time but there are times he’s headed for an iPadectomy or a smart phone suppository. I told him he could join FF if he wants to communicate with me. Some folks are incurable.

    Shalom,

    Dr. Mike

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  2. It gets very steamy in my bathroom, too. At least Evan had the brain cells to crack the window, or maybe he has an app that opened the roof?

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  3. If that smoke in the picture is steam from the hot bath, that’s one heck of an App. I hope it doesn’t melt the tub. Michelle needs to join a support group for wives of Social Network addicts. I’m sure there must be one. There seems to be one for everything else. Funny stuff again, Russell. 😀 — Suzanne

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    • Poor Michelle 😦 At least they don’t seem to have kids – no app for that…yet. I went out to dinner a few weeks ago, and the mom at the table next to us cut up her ten-year-old son’s dinner so he could eat it with his fingers and keep playing games on his i-pad.

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    • They need a treatment center for addicts too. We have smoke-free restaurants now. Instead of adding Wifi they should make an electronic-free area.

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    • Can you imagine what would happen if the internet went down for one day? or even one hour? There would probably people committing suicide.

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  4. Poor Michelle. She definitely needs to join WAGOSNA – Wives and Girlfriends of social network addicts.

    I loved watching Rocky and Bullwinkle! What memories. Good old Boris and Natasha.

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  5. Dear Russell,

    The future is going to see even more of the disconnection you so ably describe in your story. We are going to be jacked into the web, mainlining data from antennas and chips grafted right into our temples. We are the dinosaurs and I’m kind of glad of it. Great job this week.

    Aloha,

    Doug

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    • I think you’re one of those old sea turtles, Doug. You definitely beat my pants off on humor this week, but I’ll get my fiddle retuned before the next dance.

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  6. I actually think you wrote quite a serious story here – behind all good comedy there’s often a lot of real anger! Great piece!
    BUT problem I have with lots of these doom-and-gloom-kids-of-today comments is we’re all on flipping Friday Fiction – we’re not exactly going to do this by pigeon are we!
    I do get angry at work when someone sends me an email instead of looking up and talking to me, but I love my smartphone almost as much as my garden – mainly because that’s what it’s for, taking pictures of the garden.
    As a kid I always had my head down in a book and fiction was as real as life to me – is that different from having your head stuck in your phone?
    Sorry to go off on one – you have set a fuse alight here!!

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    • I love lengthy comments. My wife is a gardener. She used to really harass me about reading, “Always have your nose stuck in a darned old book.”

      We all have our vices. I guess we should be careful about throwing stones.

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  7. Funny but sad at the same time. Only for those of us that are old enough to remember talking to each other. I thought on reading she was about to have a bit of hot sex on the sofa with whom she was talking but instead a nice twist with the app to draw the bath.

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  8. Where can I get that App? Truly, this is funny and sad. It’s a sign of times. I’m guilty of it myself. Sometimes I’d like to just chuck my phone. Well done, Russell.

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    • Well, whatever you do, don’t use it as a suppository (as Dr. Mike suggested). It does not shrink swelling of hemorrhoidal tissues. That app has not yet been created.

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  9. Really funny, but the opening even funnier! Go ahead and repeat after me: “Moose and Squirrel, Moose and Squirrel, Moose and Squirrel!” Okay, now let’s hop in the Way Back Machine, check out Helen of Troy, and be back for lunch.

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  10. i’ve heard about grass widow and golf widow. i wonder what this phenomenon would be called. oh, why should i even ask? there must be an app for that, too.

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  11. Funny stuff but I see the very serious side too. Oh what the Hell, I just saw the funny side. Who am I kidding? Loved the comments and your replys. Good for you going to a doc. You know how I feel about doctors. Necessary evil despite our funny accents. Boris and Natasha – make him say it. Ha ha

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  12. Smart phones and tablets of all types seem to have forced conversation with people around us almost to a standstill. Inevitable I suppose, but somehow rather sad. My sympathies are with Michelle. The last line is excellent … Great read altogether! 🙂

    Like

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