Today’s guest blogger is the irrepressible Rachel Crofton.
I’ve created a list of pointers for those of you heading into Black Friday battle for the first time. Holiday shopping is physically and mentally demanding. It drains your energy in direct correlation with the amount of debt you accumulate during the Christmas season. That’s why it’s important to load up on as many bargains as possible, or as my husband would say, “Save until you’re broke.”
Here are a few tips to help accomplish that goal.
- Draw up a battle plan: Watch for sale circulars and TV ads featuring ridiculously low prices on items your family members claim to want but will never use. Read the fine print. Some stores have limited quantities. You’ll want to ransack them first. You can always sell the unappreciated gifts later at a garage sale for a fraction of the purchase price.
- Study the terrain: Most stores have a copy of their floor plan posted somewhere. If you can’t find one, scope it out in person. Pretend you’re a bank robber and “case the joint.” Jot down the aisle number of your prize and highlight the shortest route on your treasure map.
- Select the proper weapons: On this special day, I carry an oversize purse loaded with an eight-pound brick. Any hussy who tries to get between a limited-quantity, half-price treasure and me, is apt to experience a solid thud against the side of her head and not wake up until the day after Christmas. Shopping carts also make good weapons. I drive mine like a Monster Truck. Why bother going around obstacles when you can run over or through them? If some ditsy little schoolmarm tries to block the aisle, she can expect to have tracks across her back. I also recommend wearing pointed boots. These come in handy if you need to “accidently” trip someone or provide a swift kick in an unyielding body part that’s blocking your path.
- Dress appropriately: Ladies, this is not a fashion show. It’s more like a prison riot or the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Wear loose-fitting clothes that allow for ease of movement and hide bloodstains well. If you decide to put on make-up at such an ungodly hour, apply it boldly in war-paint fashion.
- Assume a Warrior attitude: This is not a game. The enemy plays for keeps. You can either strut to the car proudly displaying the spoils of war and receive a hero’s accolades on Christmas morn, or you can hang your head in shame while your loved one pretends to be excited about finding a sock monkey under the tree three years in a row.
- Celebrate Your Victory: It’s time to treat yourself. You arose at an hour when only garbage collectors and those who operate donut shops should be roaming the streets. You’ve earned every chipped-tooth and broken nail along the way. Calculate your savings. This is how much you get to spend on yourself.
Now, go out there and do yourself proud.