Dumpster Diving

The results of the MRI scan on my brain are in. Connie and I met with a neurologist yesterday and he and a panel of three other doctors have concluded that I have a severe case of Sick-Cell Overload or Humorrhoiditis. The disease effects the Bouche de Toilette, or Potty Mouth Quadrant, of the brain. There is no known cure.

This may come as no surprise to most of you, especially Cousin Jerry who has been telling people for years that I’m certifiable. I never knew what that meant, but naturally assumed it was something akin to a registered letter from the post office.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the television, radio, and book club celebrity who headlines our weekly program is Mae Midwest Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to “Come up and see us sometime,” visit her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the international avatars of the writers in FFF  Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Emmy L Gant
copyright – Emmy L Gant

“Russell, why do we have to get here so early? It’s an hour before sunrise. You know I need my beauty rest.”

“I can’t argue with that, Perry. But I’m afraid it would take more than a Rip Van Winkle nap to improve your looks. We have to get here early before all the best jokes are taken. Now, let me help you into the dumpster.”

“Why do I have to get in the dumpster?”

“Because you’re the crazy comic and I’m the handsome straight man. And don’t waste time looking for self-deprecating humor. I’ll take care of that for you.”

“Gee, thanks.”





54 thoughts on “Dumpster Diving

  1. It’s a good thing there’s no cure for Potty Mouth Syndrome. You make your writing career from it. Poor Perry. Maybe we should start a campaign to keep him out of the dumpster. I want to hear his side of it. Hilarious, Russell. 😀 — Suzanne


    1. Me too. What if I woke up one morning and someone had stole my sense of humor?

      Don’t feel sorry for Perry. If he finds anything funny in there, I’ll let him keep at least one joke–as long as it’s not funnier than mine.


  2. Dear Cousin Russie,

    Ah, the bromance continues. Your MRI scan must be quite colorful with a multitude of silly cells. Perhaps one day someone will lower the lid on Potty Mouth Syndrome but for now I’m flushed. I’ll be back to read the Perry-enniel rebuttal.

    Why dontcha come up and see me sometime…Shalom,

    Mae Midwest


    1. Dear Mae Midwest,

      Perry’s a good big bro (by that I mean older) and a great source of new material. Just think of us as the Lewis & Clark of comedy. He comes up with great ideas, I plagiarized them, and neither of us make any money.

      I haven’t watched your celebrity interview yet. Hopefully, I get to that today.

      I need to come up with a hillbilly version of Shalom. Hmmm . . . let’s see what’s in the old Potty Mouth Quadrant.
      Cousin Russie


  3. Perry’s going to gave to dig deep to find some garbage neither one of you has used before!

    BTW, did you mean “self-deprecating,” or is Perry really depreciating in value??? (Probably reduced by 50% in the time that it took me to write this comment.)


  4. Perry’s going to gave to dig deep to find some garbage neither one of you has used before!

    BTW, did you mean “self-deprecating,” or is Perry really depreciating in value??? (Probably reduced by 50% in the time that it took me to write this comment.)


      1. Weird that my comment showed up twice! Also, I notice that I misspelled the very difficult and complex word, “have.” I will conveniently blame that on my chubby fingers and the teeny tiny virtual keyboard of my iPhone 😃


  5. Yes, it’s true that I need a beauty sleep each and every night. Actually it’s not a beauty sleep; it’s more of a “fair to middling” sleep. If I don’t get at least get 8 hours, Ted Cruz makes fun of my looks. If only I were the handsome straight man, I could make way less money than the crazy comic, have a much shorter career when we break up, and wind up in bankruptcy. Darn it! Too bad I’m not him.
    Okay, time to get into the trash can? Why, it’s Oscar the Grouch! What? A lucrative contract to appear on Sesame Street? Terrific! Oh, just me? Not the handsome straight man?
    Okay, I’ll handle it. He’ll bounce back. Eventually.


    1. What? You’re leaving me? I understand that Sesame Street is a long-running and lucrative deal, but you’ll become stereotyped as Oscar and never be able to land a decent role again.

      After you’re gone, my only career option will be to host a variety show where I waltz around with a drink in my hand with a big grin plastered on my handsome face. Scarlett Johansson has signed as my first guest, also the entire cast of The Goldbergs is stopping by to do a few skits because in Adam’s words, “We appreciate a handsome straight man.” Then maybe I’ll do a Star Wars movie where I play Harrison Ford’s younger, and more handsome, brother.


  6. Bouche de Toilette is such terrible affliction to be diagnosed with.Why it’s almost as deadly as Man Flu.
    I myself suffer terribly with a condition known as Lazy Skankalitis and Sarcasticus Hoe-bagestomy.
    I sincerely hope that you don’t get better soon.


      1. What I really wish for you is warm hugs and much laughter. You’re easily one of the funniest and creative persons in the blogosphere, so I shall take back my ‘stay sick’ wishes.


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