The White Tufts of Rover

Did you ever wonder if birds in other countries chirp in a different language than those where you live? Me neither. However, it does sound reasonable.

Researchers at the Perry Block Institute for Birdbrain Studies recently released a report supporting this theory. According to their study, crows from the Northeast U.S. alert their companions of oncoming traffic by calling out “Cah, cah,” while their cousins from the South scream, “Y’all, y’all,” (short for y’all look out). The southern crows are also much slower getting the message out, resulting in more highway fatalities in Birmingham than Boston.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the insurance agent who offers writers coverage against birdbrain stories is Flo Nightingale Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like a Free 90 day trial, visit her site and follow the step-by-step instructions. To view the writers on a wire in FFF  Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Roger Bultot
copyright – Roger Bultot

General Starling reviewed the reconnaissance report and made a few last minute adjustments to the battle plan.

Satisfied, he smiled at Lieutenant Limbhopper and gave the order. “We attack at dawn. They’ll never know what hit ‘em.”

The word passed quickly down the line.

“We attack at dawn.”

“We attack her lawn.
“She eats her spawn.”

“The flapjacks are gone.”

“Your mother’s name is Ron.”

Bonham drives a baby-blue Prius.”

Despite the poor communications, the raid was executed with surgical precision. The enemy awoke to the ravages of explosions that left no windshield unscathed.

Historians labeled it “The Shitzkrieg.”





51 thoughts on “The White Tufts of Rover

  1. Dear General Starling,

    No amount of coverage can prevent a feather brained story such as yours. I’ve heard of Shtizkrieg. It’s nice to finally know the true story. And so the Plotz thickens.

    Droppings and Shalom,



    1. Dear Flo,
      I love that you’ve brought the headband back into vogue. Most people thought those went out of style thirty years ago.

      If you could spare a few of those cardboard policy-boxes, I’d appreciate it. Mrs. Starling doesn’t want to keep all her eggs in one box. The exception being our NEST EGG which is only the size of a BB and can easily be stored in a thimble.

      Be careful around those droppings. We wouldn’t want you to slip and fall. Progressive might not cover it. Better go with AFLAC.

      Over & out,
      General Starling.


  2. Ha! You have written the backstory to what clearly happened to my car last week. The mulberries haven’t even ripened in my neighborhood yet, so the worst has yet to drop.

    All my best,


  3. “Well, the Northeast crows are hip, I really dig those “Cah, cahs,” they wail, and the Southern crows with the way they scream “Y’all!,” knock me out and never gets stale ….” What a great song by the Beachbirds! as suggested by Russell Gayer. I sense royalties here!” And not a speck of Shitzkrieg.


  4. I had a salesman stop in today from Chalfont, PA. He says that’s about 25 minutes from Havertown. He loves Jewish food.

    I told him to swing by your place and you’d feed him a Shitzkrieg bagel. You might want to hold off on the singing until he gets the first bite down.


  5. This was really funny the way you constructed it and gave us the punchline. I laughed out loud a bunch .

    I remember Fran Drescher said it best when she said, “You pay a dollar in Venice to have a hundred birds s**t on you. No wonder they think Americans are stupid.”

    Great story, Russell. Keep your bird in your hand and close to you always. 😉


      1. I had to pick a vehicle that sounded rather “prissy” to make the story click. A Ford Fusion (or Taurus) may be dependable transportation, but they’re just not funny.


  6. Ha! Ha! General Starling and Lieutenant Limbhopper make quite a combination. Nowadays they use Twitter to communicate. Is it true that post retirement General Starling ran a successful business exporting Guano?


  7. I finally understand what happens in my backyard, and to my car: Shitzkrieg all around. Featherly good. Can’t laugh too much, don’t want to catch avian precipitation from above. BTW, they really do have regional dialects.


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