I’ll Save You a Seat

A lot of people are terrified of speaking in front of a crowd. Not me. A tingle runs up my spine when I look out over a large, captivated audience and see people looking at their watches, yawning, and sending text messages to themselves just to pass the time.

It’s exhilarating to watch them inch ever closer to the edge of their seat while leaning back to count the number of tiles on the ceiling. But my favorite part is the thunderous sound of shoe soles echoing off ceramic flooring as they stampede toward the exits after my closing remarks. Not bragging, but sometimes the mere mention of my name sends them running.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the public speaker who can teach you to write 100 word stories worth listening to is Dalette Carnegie Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like a Free 90 day trial, visit her site and follow the step-by-step instructions. To view the writers in FFF  Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - J Hardy Carroll
copyright – J Hardy Carroll

Hey, I just got a great idea. Wanna hear it?

Not really. Most of your ideas are pretty lame, but humor me.

That’s it.

That’s what?

You know how they have conferences for different writing genres, like Western Writers of America, Science Fiction & Fantasy, and Romance Writers?

Yeah, go on.

Why not hold one for humor writers? I’ve got some great speakers in mind.

You mean like Dave Barry and Fran Lebowitz?

Not exactly. I can only afford those two guys from Friday Flash Fiction, Russell Gayer and Perry Block.

Really? How much are you paying attendees to come?



52 Comments on “I’ll Save You a Seat

  1. Funny that those two guys are appearing at the humor writers’ conference because usually they appear at the all-women writer’s conference where they talk at length about what it’s like to be “a piece of meat.” Mr. Block is especially eloquent on the subject. But I guess they might appear at the humor writers’ conference as well. Let’s see: they pay the women’s conference $2,000 apiece to be permitted to appear there and they have to sit in a dunk tank for five hours afterwards. For the humor conference, they’ll probably have to pay $2500 a piece, but hopefully no dunk tank.


    • You’re right about the “piece of meat,” Perry. The first time I toured a poultry plant, those toothless women working on the line were staring at me and visually undressing me with their eyes. It’s horrible being treated as a sex objects, but I suppose we shouldn’t complain. Next they’ll be hiring us to model for the covers of the paperback romance novels they sell at Dollar General.


  2. This course is not available in stores. We tried stores but they turned it down. But, I’m sure OWL was terrific.

    I heard our fan club arrived … they came in on a bicycle!


    • You would have enjoyed OWL. There was a great presentation on script writing. Missouri Film something-or-other is holding a contest and three winners will be selected to attend an all expense paid trip to somewhere to hang out for three days with some professionals who are almost famous. Also, they might turn your script into a movie.

      You should try it.


      • I’ll be emailing you the info on that contest later this afternoon. Personally, script writing looks extremely tedious and difficult to me.


  3. Dear Fran,

    You left me last week. I was reduced to a nameless schlepp wandering the internet not knowing who I was. I’ll admit to enjoying public speaking. Jan has often said that I’m a Kosher ham. I’m not sure, but I might’ve had more fun at OWL last weekend. Sigh. Although it was great to see my kids which made it worth the disappointment. (That’s anuther story.) As for Russell Gayer as a speaker at your humor conference…good way to clear the deck. 😉



    PS Guilt trip tickets free of charge.


    • Dear Dalette,

      Perry and I are hoping the sponsor can come up with enough money to hire at least 3 or 4 attendees. We’re pretty experienced at lecturing empty chairs, but it’s nice to hear someone break into a snore once in a while when you’re delivering a key point during the speech.

      The attendance was rather light at OWL. The word had gotten around that you weren’t going to be there, so many of the members chose to attend OWFI in OK City, or stay home, rather than travel to Branson. (or perhaps they heard I was coming? You didn’t tell anyone, did you?)

      Still saving you a seat,


  4. Hilarious, Russell. Are you and Perry giving a joint speech? That would be like watching a comedy team at work. To keep people from stampeding out the door after the speech you could serve post-speech sandwiches, cake, and drinks. Or you could serve a strong drink before the speech to put them in a good mood. Watch out for the mean drunks, though. Well done. 😀 — Suzanne


    • Perry and I got a nice invite to speak at an insomniac’s convention. Some of the attendees haven’t had a good night’s sleep in years. They’re going to pay us so much a head for every person who dozes off while we speak. This could be the start of a whole new career.


  5. Some weeks, I show up just to watch you and Perry spar; you guys are a riot! Another funny piece, that is both witty and fun to read, Russell.


  6. ha ha. I’ll give you a 75% discount on the “attendance fee ” Russell…if you promise not to write about any bodily functions for the next three weeks and still entertain us as you always do 🙂


  7. Sounds like a winning lineup!
    I was actually about to comment on your introductory paragraph – at first I thought it was your story, ‘cos it was brilliant 🙂


    • Thanks, Ali. My introduction usually has nothing to do with the photo, but this week I used it to set up the story. Glad you enjoyed it.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I’ll give you a 99% discount, but you’ll have to pay for room and transportation. 😀


  9. I’m not sure. In the long run Dave Barry and Fran Lebowitz might be a lot cheaper, depending on the size of the conference maybe by a sizable amount. I shouldn’t say anything since i know that if I were on the bill it would quadrupedal the price, and that’s paying me off to be sick that day, if I were actually make it…


    • Good point, Trent. We could probably hire a whole line-up of humor writers compared to what it would cost to pay 50 attendees to come. I like the idea of being paid NOT to show up. I can see the advertising brochure now; We guarantee Perry & Russell will NOT be anywhere within 200 miles of this conference.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. What great fun! Throw in some cookies and I’ll sit in the front row. Love your intro, too. It’s funny people get so nervous talking in front of other people and the truth is half the time people aren’t really listening anyway. 🙂


    • It’s probably the most grueling two hours you’d ever spend. Some people have compared it to a root canal without being numbed first.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve seen people write entire sentences using nothing but emojis. I’m not one of them. This too shall pass.


    • We’d like to book you as a speaker as well. I’m sure the attendees would welcome the reprieve of not having to look at me and Perry.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Okay. I guess I could come for a guest appearance. Just remember that my eyes are up here…not, well, you know. 😉


I'd love to hear from you

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Mandie Hines Author

Poetry, Horror, Psychological Thrillers

The Phantom Rem

Stories From Within

Lorna's Voice

Finding ways to make words sparkle

The Incoherent Ramblings Of A Moose

This is the blog of a woman who is seriously on the edge and I mean right ON the edge…no, not there… just a little bit further… further than that…no, further still…just a tiny bit more… just move slightly to the right a little…no, that’s too much…just move a tad to the left…that’s right, just there…now you’ve moved too far to the left… Damn, what part of the ‘on the edge’ do you not understand? Oh, and her matricidal boy genius, come devil spawn.

Sharing sarcasm, snark, and satire with the world...

Or the three people I guilted into reading this blog, whatever.

Rochelle Wisoff-Fields-Addicted to Purple

Growing older is inevitable. Growing up is optional.


I may make you feel, but I can't make you think.


All the Blogging That's Fit To Print



Lame Adventures

A Humor Blog

Linda Vernon Humor

Stylistically Abusing Language for the Betterment of Mankind


Straight up with a twist– Because life is too short to be subtle!

Lori Ericson, Author

An author's perspective of mystery and more.

The Best Things in Life

And the worst things. And all that weird stuff in between.

%d bloggers like this: