Don’t Fence Me Out

I hate to admit this, but I have something in common with Donald Trump. I recently won a Presidential Election against a female candidate who was far more competent and qualified than me. My appointments include; Chevy Chase, Sec. of Slapstick, Bill Murray, Sec. of De Fence, and my personal Press Secretary, Perry Block. What could possibly go wrong?

When I joined Toastmasters, I thought the name implied a drinking club, but all they want to do is talk. Maybe I had them confused with that other group, Alcoholics Monogamous. However, I’m not going to let that interfere with my campaign promise, Make America Laugh Again.

If this is your first visit to Friday Flash Fiction, the inquisitive little detective who always solves the mystery in 100 words or less is Nancy Drew Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block, click here.

PHOTO PROMPT © J Hardy Carroll

PHOTO PROMPT © J Hardy Carroll

“Al, you’ve got to do something.”

“What do you think I should do?”

“I don’t know, put up a wall or something.”

“That would cost Kansas City a lot of money, and I’m not sure how effective it would be.”

“It doesn’t need to be a huge wall. A short fence would do. Ever since you invented the Internet we’ve had nothing but trouble. At first it was just once a week, but now it’s out of control. The entire blogosphere is at risk.”

“Oh, come on, Tipper, don’t be so melodramatic. How much damage can one purple-obsessed pygmy do?”

47 Comments on “Don’t Fence Me Out

  1. Dear Detective Lowry,

    I’ve spoken with Tipper and she’s behind you 100%, I like your choices of Chevy Chase and Bill Murray. Not so sure about Perry Block. Just remember never to underestimate a purple-obsessed pygmy. Watch out for those awful teeth biting your ankles.

    Perhaps you should appoint the Hardy Boys.


    Nancy D.


    • Dear Nancy Drew,

      Are you talking about Oliver Hardy? I had considered him for a high-ranking post along with Moe Howard and Larry Fine. Unfortunately, none of the three will return my calls.

      I have invested in a pair of snake boots that come up to the knees. That should be plenty high enough to offer pygmy-bite protection.

      Detective Lowry


  2. Russell! It’s been too long since I’ve made it to your posts regularly, for which I apologise and can plead only my own little pygmies ankle-biting full time!

    As ever, both your introduction and the story itself raised a big smile. I think the wall your charactersa re looking for is a firewall, but in any case, you should have our purple dictator pay for it. 😉


    • It’s great to see you, Jen. Yes, I know you have a couple of little ankle-biters of your own. Corralling them is definitely a fulltime job.

      As for the Kansas City Napoleon Bonaparte, the way she’s been cranking out the novels she can certainly afford the fence, but the caveat is that it must be painted Purple (of course).


    • Unlike Tipper Gore, I have a lot of respect and admiration for the Purple-Obsessed Pygmy. I sat next to her at a conference. Her miniature fingers clutched a tiny pencil and she drew a beautiful illustration of one of her characters while the speaker was talking. She is a very gifted artist and author. She has my vote.


    • Thanks, Suzanne. I have confidence Chevy and Bill will perform exceptionally in their respective offices, as for Perry serving as my official mouthpiece–well, that one is a little risky.


  3. What could possibly go wrong? you ask, as I do often. I hope the responses you get are not quite so hurtful or personal, fuzz-face. As an illiterate foreigner I am not sure of the whereabouts of Kansas City. Is it near where Dorothy isn’t any more? As for the POP, can’t you just put a cup over her, slide a piece of cardboard under it and sling her out the window?


    • You can say mean things about me, my wife, or my kids, just don’t bad-mouth my dog. I’m the only one who can kick that mangy mongrel.

      I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the Warner Bros. cartoon featuring the Tasmanian Devil. A short little creature who spins into a tiny tornado. The POP served as inspiration for that character. She might fit under the cup, but you’d never make it to the window.


    • She took my joy buzzer away the first day I got on the bus, and three years later (or is it four?) she’s still holding it. Rumor has it, she’s after my clown nose and whoopie cushion. What’s next, my oversized shoes?

      Liked by 1 person

  4. You’re making the rest of the world laugh too. So there, I declare you competent 🙂 No one can take your clown nose crown away from you 😀


  5. Oh goodness your cabinet sounds like a lively group, but at least they are qualified funny men as opposed to men behaving in funny (i.e. suspicious) ways.

    Wouldn’t Tipper be satisfied with a parental advisory label? 😀


    • I’d take my cabinet members over Trump’s any day.

      As for Tipper, I think she’s over reacting. Like Al said, “How much damage can one purple-obsessed pygmy do?”


      • Probably not. Perhaps you should write a story to read at OWL, “Adventures of a Purple-Obsessed Pygmy”
        Kent could do a short (and I do mean short) trailer promoting the adventure.


  6. An wall you build to keep out (or protect the internet) is destined to be as successful as the infamous 30 ft border wall.


    • This one only needs to be three feet tall. Are you suggesting she might pole vault over it? Be sure and video it and post on Facebook.


  7. keep sean michael spicer, the current white house press secretary, in mind, if bill murray doesn’t perform as expected. 🙂


  8. I’m wondering what a purple-obsessed pygmy would like to do, but with your appointments I think (hope) we’ll all be safe 🙂


    • Given access to the internet, she can stir up quite a following. The next thing you know, people are posting fictional stories (fake news) and comments (alternative facts) all over the place.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Russell,
    are we going to make Kansas City pay for the wall? I don’t think it would do any good though. My money’s on the pygmy. She’s formidable. 🙂


    • It’s just a short fence. Only about 3 ft. high. If Kansas City won’t pay for it we’ll boycott BBQ joints for at least a month. That’ll show ’em.


      • Boycott BBQ joints? Sacred KC territory. I’m not sure you could get people to go along with that. Certainly not I. Pass the burnt ends, please.


  10. Oh my God, if only you’d come to me first but..too late you’ve gone there…my money’s on the purple, it won’t end well. You’ve started something now and I’m just going to run away. Sorry, I’d like to say I’ve got your back, but I haven’t, there’s only so much a bloke should be expected to take on.


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