Don’t Take Me Literary

If you’re fortunate enough to own a copy of The Perils of Heavy Thinking, you already know that “Classic” is just a fancy word for “Old.” This explains why guys like JB Hogan prefer to be called a “Classic Geezer” as opposed to using the other adjective.

“Classic” is also gender friendly. When referring to the gentler sex, I recommend using it as a noun, as in “She’s a Classic.” This allows the reader to inject any word of their choosing at the end of the statement to more clearly define the female in question.

If this is your first visit to Friday Flash Fiction, our 100 word guru is Confuse-us Yogini Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block, click here.

PHOTO PROMPT © Magaly Guerrero

PHOTO PROMPT © Magaly Guerrero

The Resource Center contained a series of primitive publications. People of my generation refer to them as books.

I scanned the shelf expecting to find works by Patrick McManus, Dave Barry, and that guy from Arkansas who thinks he’s so funny. None were there.

A couple of books did catch my attention. One by the Brothers Grimm, whom I surmised went on to become famous reapers, and another by person named Longfellow.

By the sound of his name, I concluded he was either a very tall individual or a porn star. Either way, I’m not sure the content would be appropriate for impressionable young minds.

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59 thoughts on “Don’t Take Me Literary

  1. Dear Mr. Classic,

    For some reason my mind flashed to Robert Taylor in The Time Machine when one of the Eloi shows him ancient books. He opens one and it crumbles in his hand. I find that some of the classics make great doorstops. As always you’ve taken the literary path less traveled and even eschewed.

    Shalom,

    Confuse-us Yogini

    1. No one will ever confuse me with Wm. Snakeshearer. “Hark, what through yonder outhouse window flies, tis the crescent moon and pages torn from a Monkey & Ward catalog.”

  2. I suspect this particular Resource Center would group the works of Longfellow next to the collected quotes of my former Drill Instructor, Gunnery Sergeant Prada-Butts–also not appropriate for impressionable young minds.

    Russell, you are the master of cackles.

  3. I got all distracted from commenting because I had to look up Longfellow and found him so interesting… anyway, I love this. Great fun. I love books, both kinds. I can carry my library in my purse. Gone the days when I had nothing to read…

    1. I understand sales of erotica soared once eBooks came out. The curious reader no longer had to suffer the embarrassment of buying them at a bookstore, and you can read them in public without anyone judging you by what’s printed on the cover.

  4. I always associate classic with cars in my mind. My town has a classic car festival. I’ve always been busy those weekends, but I do enjoy watching some of them drive into town.

    The story was hysterical. It reminded me of an article I read where someone pranked the library at their school by rearranging the volumes of the World Book Encyclopedia so that the displayed letters on the spine would spell out something NSFW.

    1. I attended a car show last weekend. I enjoy classic cars, classic films, and even some classic people.

      Speaking of the World Book, I understand they printed their last set a couple of years ago. That’s sad. What a wonderful resource they were, but a heck-of-a-lot slower than Google.

  5. Ha! Ha! That Longfellow reference cracked me up. Suddenly in the light of your revelations the following lines are confirming what you wrote.
    “The heights by great men reached and kept were not attained by sudden flight, but they, while their companions slept, were toiling upward in the night.”

  6. Quite amusing. My favorite line was “I scanned the shelf expecting to find works by Patrick McManus, Dave Barry, and that guy from Arkansas who thinks he’s so funny.” 🙂

  7. A twisted tale once again. Hard to believe we live in a world where a book by Patrick McManus and Dave Barry would be considered classic.

    1. I wouldn’t be writing this stuff today if it wasn’t for Patrick McManus, and Dave Barry signed my copy of his book “I’ll Mature When I’m Dead” — For Russell, my Idol.

      War & Peace may be considered a classic, but it makes a better doorstop, if you ask me.

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