Jack Be Klutzy

How many of you are familiar with the radio spot, “Cars for the Blind?” In their ad, a spokesperson asks listeners to consider donating unwanted cars, trucks, buses, mini-vans, and stretch limousines to the blind. They’ll even take motorboats, yachts, and cruise ships if you happen to have one of those lying around.

Now, I’m not the kind of guy who discriminates against the disabled, but let me ask you, how many blind drivers do we really need on the highway? We’ve already got teenagers texting, ladies putting on mascara, and cops fantasizing about their next donut. It’s enough to make you want to have a few drinks before jumping into crosstown traffic.

If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, our solicitor of 100 Word stories is Helen Keller Andretti Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

Photo copyright – Janet Webb

“Hey, Jill. Hold my beer while I try this.”

“No, Jack. Please. Remember what happened last time?”

“That was purely a fluke. It could happen to anyone.”

“What about the time before that, and the incident last week.”

“Just a little string of bad luck. Anyone could slip while carrying a pail of water. As I recall, you fell down also.”

“Only because you tripped me.”

“Are you saying I’m not agile?”

“It’s not your fault. You were born with two left feet.”

“Just hold the beer. I can do this.”

“Okay, but let me call the fire department first.”

 

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51 thoughts on “Jack Be Klutzy

  1. Dear Jack,

    Methinks someone’s tushie’s about to be scorched. As for blind drivers, they might just be better than texting teens and women yapping with one hand holding the cell phone and the other applying mascara. Okay…I’m feeling my way around here and hoping my Braille keyboard is wokrign poprelry. Vroom vroom. Have a quality day and try not to trip down any hills, Waterboy.

    Shalom,

    Helen Keller Andretti Wisoff-Fields

    1. Dear Helen Keller Andretti Wisoff-Fields (whew, I exhausted typed such a long name. Note to self – go with initials next time),

      Many people refer to me as Calamity Jack due to my propensity for pratfalls. Even as a young man,, I could barely jump high enough to clear an outstretched cigarette paper (does the brand name Zigzag ring a bell?).

      The problem with blind drivers is that they are easily distracted by the smell of bakeries, restaurants, and Roto-rooter trucks.

      I hope you have good insurance,
      Jack

  2. This is a great take on the prompt! It’s pretty impressive how you’ve managed to communicate the whole story through only dialogue, great story. As for your comment beforehand, it’s definitely a tricky one; we all know it’s wrong to discriminate, but it does seem slightly odd to be encouraging those with vision impairments to take part in an activity that clearly requires sight. I know enough elderly people as it is who I consider dangers to the roads, as they simply can’t see as well as they used to! Great point – very interesting…

    1. I’m glad to enjoyed it. When I first started writing I was intimidated by dialogue and felt extremely uncomfortable using it. Now, it’s a primary tool I rely on. You can show virtually anything using dialogue without spoon-feeding the reader an information dump of narrative.

      As for elderly drivers, I do think there’s a point where people become a danger to themselves and others. However, the decline in skill sets varies from bluehair to bluehair (present company included). In my state they renew driver’s license for eight years, which is a little scary when the driver is already in their eighties.

      1. That’s a very good point; it is a very good way of communicating things more subtly – perhaps I shall use it more! And yes, I do of course agree that this is not universal, and I don’t know how things are over there, but in the UK drivers are never retested for sight or skills or anything. It is up to the driver to decide when they can no longer drive – scary!

    1. That’s very generous of you, Morgaine. Is that the one from the TV series, The Love Boat?
      Jack was never good at taking advice, or following directions.

  3. Haha I’m not sure which was funnier, the blind drivers or the Jack and Jill story. Hilarious as always. 😆

  4. You forgot the sequel.

    “Jack and Jill
    Went up the hill
    To have a little fun.
    Stupid Jill
    Forgot the pill
    And now they have a son.”

    Maybe THAT’S why the beer.

    With favorite color (corduroy),

    KAWF’s Kuz

  5. “Cops fantasizing about their next donut!” That line alone is worth the price of admission. Although I have to say the story got kind of hot when Jack fell down and broke (out) his crown, and what happened next? Jill came a’ tumblin’ after! Sex and big laughs — Who could ask for more?

    1. The name Jack is just an alias. Everyone knows the guy’s real name is Perry Block, but Jill paid me to change the name. I understand she is now in hiding under the witness protection program to avoid a second date. Good luck finding her.

  6. How delightful that you used Jack and Jill in dialogue to create your story. Once again, I enjoyed it AND your “pre-story.” Thanks for keeping your foot (although it’s always on a slippery slope) in the ever-changing pile of FF stories.

    1. Thanks for the sweet comment, Alicia. I’m one of the original Fictioneers. In fact, I’ve written enough of these that I should be eligible for a pension soon.

  7. If Jack doesn’t break his neck doing whatever he’s attempting, I have a suspicion that Jill might do it for him. Another fun write-up from you, Russell. Very well done. Cheers, Varad

  8. Maybe they should have driven up the hill in their ATV with SAT Nav and every feature known to man. Though Jack could still potentially crash (and never ask Jill for directions). But driverless cars are already here. So now we can eat pizza, text, have alcohol, maybe a nap (and even all the same time). https://www.tesla.com/autopilot

  9. Hilarious again, Russell. I read a headline in our paper that seven out of ten drivers in this city get licenses without taking a test. By the number of accidents, I believe it. I don’t know if that pertains to blind drivers but telling by the accidents I’d guess they get them also. 😦 — Suzanne

    1. According to statistics, most accidents in the U.S. are caused by distracted drivers. Evidently, it’s really hard to keep your eyes on the road and your hands upon the wheel.

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