Oh, Deer!

I’m not one to complain about federal employees, but how hard could it be to put letters in the right mailbox? The name and address is printed right there on the front. It seems easy enough when they’re marked Current Resident, Any Street, USA.

But if you’re expecting a check or an acceptance letter from a New York publisher (like that’s gonna happen), the Las Vegas odds are five to three it will be delivered to wrong address. This probably explains why I haven’t heard back from Hollywood concerning the movie rights to One Idiot Short of a Village.

If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, the producer/director of our weekly 100 Word stories is Octavia Preminger Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

PHOTO PROMPT © Kent Bonham

“I’ll be happy to process your claim,” said Steve. “Could you give me some details of the accident?”

“We were driving along, a good two miles from the nearest designated deer-crossing, when this brown-haired bimbo chose to disregard the law and dart in front of our car. Then, before anyone could question her, she fled the scene of the accident.

“Connie and I talked about it later and figured Ms. Jane Doe ran away because she didn’t have liability insurance. Sadly, our highways are overrun with uninsured wildlife, Steve.”

“Yes, I suppose so.” Steve bit his lower lip and nodded.


*an excerpt from Saving Hollywood

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61 thoughts on “Oh, Deer!

  1. Deerly departed…we gather today to remember Bambi. She was light of foot and still people fawned all over her. She really will be missed. Even if Buck thinks she was a cloven-hoofed dame who had it coming.

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  2. Mrs Jane Doe, or a very close relative, is currently eating the tops of all the plants on my vegetable patch. She’d better have some kind of insurance if I catch her. Sorry about your mail problems – you probably didn’t get that cheque I sent you…

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    1. One of Ms. Doe’s relatives also thinks Connie’s flower beds are personal salad bars. This does not bode well for Ms. Doe’s health.

      No, I haven’t seen the cheque from you, nor the monthly payment from Perry Block for promotion services. Can’t blame that on the post office on that one though. I think the guy’s trying to stiff me.

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  3. Haha. This story reminded me of a time a deer hit my sister’s vehicle. Seriously, it ran into the side of it just in front of the driver’s door. Needless to say, that deer didn’t stop to exchange insurance information either. Great story, Russell!

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    1. It doesn’t surprise me a bit, Mandie. The one who didn’t run off tried to make some lame excuse like, “My insurance card is in my other purse.” Sure sister. Who’s she trying to fool.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. That exact same thing happened to us one dark and rainy night in the UP! Far far from cell phone service, I might add. The side mirror hit it and folded, shattering the driver’s window, which showered glass all over the back seat, where we’d foolishly stored our luggage. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh my! The deer tore off the side mirror on my sister’s vehicle and left a big dent, but luckily it didn’t break her window.
        I can’t believe that deer left you with such a mess to clean up!

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      2. We stopped at the next town and found a motel, hauled our suitcases in, and left glass beads on their carpet. 😦 But we left the deer in worse straits. I made the mistake of looking back. O, dear Lord, for a rifle and the know-how to use it! We haven’t travelled after dark often since that night — and then sit on pins & needles.

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      3. One of my co-workers hit a deer near Cherokee Iowa while on a business trip. The deer’s back was broken, and it would have suffered a slow, agonizing death. Being a modern day gladiator, he took out his pocket knife and cut its throat. Grizzly, I know, but merciful.

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  4. Dear Marlin Perkins,

    Is Miss Jane Doe any relation to Doe Bridges? Perhaps she’s married to Buck Rodgers. Thoughts to punder. I had one of her relatives run out in front of my Cruz a couple of years ago while I was on my way to work. It was a rainy morning and I was conversing with Cuzzin Kent on my bluetooth. Dese and Doe’s are so inconsiderate. If that wasn’t enough, Ms. Doe ran off…no insurance there either. Such is the nature of things. Good luck with USPS. Their policy is hire those who’ve graduated at the bottom of the remedial class.

    Shalom,

    Octavia Preminger WF

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    1. Dear Octavia Preminger WF,

      The last statistic I saw stated 200 people per year die in deer related accidents, which didn’t include the grandmas who were run over by reindeer on Christmas Eve. If the incident involves a motorcycle, it’s almost always fatal for the driver.

      One way to get the deer off the road would be for the USPS to hire some as mail carriers. Surely they could do as good a job of getting the mail in the right box as the people now assigned to that duty. Plus, they would have auto insurance. It’s a win/win.

      Consider that for your next painting,
      Marlin Perkins

      Liked by 1 person

  5. My own deer story happened on 150 on the way to Warrensburg. Ol’ Dasher just jumped right over my car at fifty miles and hour. Impressive. I’d like to see what your take on another situation would be. Each time we go to OWL, it’s always the same thing … armadillos!

    Yes, I remember Octavia’s accident, too. I about had an accident myself and I wasn’t even driving!

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    1. Armadillos are just naturally suicidal. For some reason, many of them have low self-esteem and just can’t seem to cope with a mundane life of eating grubs and mealy bugs. There are two armadillo stories in my forthcoming book that I think you will enjoy.

      There have been a few times when I’ve nearly marked my laundry while riding as a passenger too. I won’t ride with either of my adult children behind the wheel. They scare the crap out of me.

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      1. Just to the north of the Land of Armadillos the roads are littered with Possums. Once at a museum, my middle son gazed upon the stuffed possums on display and asked where the tire tracks were.

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  6. Oh, I must tell you our post office story before I go. Hubby ordered a book from Amazon, shipped from the SE US. When it got to Delisle, Sask, CANADA, there was a British Postal Service sticker on it. Huh??? Hubby carefully peeled that off and underneath was a ‘La Poste–Paris” sticker on it.
    Whoever down there processed it, not knowing where Canada is, sent it to France. The postal service there recognized it as an English address, so sent it to England. Thankfully someone there knew where Canada is. 😉

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  7. Russell, you are absolutely astounding. Love all your story above! You make-a-me-laugh-a! Can’t stop laughing. Jeepers creepers – She does not ha ha have insurance!
    Nan (ha ha ha ha)

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    1. Will her past history, she definitely fell into the high-risk category. I’m sure her premiums would have been outrageous, especially if she went with Mutual of Omaha.

      Not only do I get my bills, the neighbor’s debts land in my box too.

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  8. No, those checks have been coming to me. It was quite a mistake sending them five states away and to a Jew instead of you but I hadn’t the heart to correct them. By the way, I’m moving to Beverly Hills later in the month. I’ll send you my new address

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    1. My address is Fayetteville, Arkansas you idiot NOT Fayetteville, North Carolina. Here I’ve been working my ass off to make you famous and you’re sending my paychecks to some Jew who works as a paper shredder at a janitorial college. Geez, is that how you treat your friends?

      And don’t try to con me with this Beverly Hills story. Next, you’ll be telling me you’re moving in next door to Milburn Drysdale and that you’re dating Jane Hathaway.

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    1. Ha! How ironic. I’m covered by the Hartford.
      That’s the company that flew us to Hollywood to film the commercial after we hit a deer.
      Maybe Jane Doe, dropped her coverage and they were trying to get even.

      Liked by 1 person

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