Inferior Decorators

I’ve always believed in bad Karma, but didn’t know it could happen in a dream. Last night, I dreamed I was hanging out with a group of people. One of them pulled out her cellphone, and naturally everyone else reached for theirs too. It was like the gunfight at the O.K. Corral with cameras snapping, tweets exploding, and Facebook posts with the latest road-kill recipe.

 I began to make fun of how big their phones were and how they needed elephant-size pockets to carry them. Then I drew my ancient iPhone 5S to exhibit its superior compact design and promptly dropped it on the ground. It shattered. I don’t mean a slight crack with spider web patterns across the screen. It literally busted into chunks. Who’s laughing now?

 If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the 100-word expert, who’s been known to burst into creepy laughter, is Alexa Echo Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright – Sandra Crook

“Welcome to the open house at Brainfart Manor. You will notice that fixtures, furniture, and artwork have been updated to reflect the theme Beyond Shabby Chic, as directed by Lord Brainfart.”

“Wow. I’ve never seen polka dot drapes in the same room with zebra-stripe carpet. And that’s an interesting piece of art. Who did that?”

“That, Madam, is an original finger-painting by Timothy Leary. It’s called Psychedelic Ecstasy.”

“Did Lord Brainfart personally select these items?”

“No, Madam. He enlisted an Inferior Decorator, Mr. Claude Bawls.”

“Wow, an Inferior Decorator. That must have cost a fortune.”

“Yes, Madam. Claude Bawls doesn’t come cheap.”

55 Comments on “Inferior Decorators

  1. Oh, that’s hilarious, dream sequence included! I can just picture that room…well, maybe I’ve seen it… some of the waiting rooms I’ve been in lately are pretty badly decorated. LOL!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Egads! Sorry ’bout your phone… ON the plus side, you can now get your very own Mega-Plus-Not-Fit-In-Any-Pocket sized one… and what a great description of what happens (sadly) at too many gatherings…

    As for your story. I think I need some Gravol. I’m feeling a tad queasy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, that’s exactly what happened in the dream, Dale. I went shopping for a mega-phone. If you can join ’em, beat ’em at their own game.

      Hope you’re feeling better after the next blog.


      • Ha Ha!

        Ummm. You’re not planning on turning my stomach again, are You?


  3. Dear Steve Out-Of-Jobs,

    Is AI becoming a reality??? Creepy laughter indeed. As for phoes…one night we were out with friends….2 women and 3 guys. At the end of our meal, Jan flipped out his Samsung to figure up the tip. This turned into three fellas comparing the size of their smartphone screens. The other woman and I made eye contact and that was all she wrote. We laughed so hard and the guys never could figure out what so funny. I dubbed this moment “Techtosterone.” (This is a true story…some things just can’t be made up).
    As for your story. Claude Bawls must’ve been the Inferior decorator for Elvis’ mansion. I’ve only seen pictures but they match your descriptions. On another note, I once brought home a bentwood rocker that was actually metal…painted red with black and white zebra striped cushions. Jan positively hated it. I gave it away when we moved. It just didn’t fit the new decor. I kind of wish I’d kept it. I miss that chair…it had a personality all its own even if it wasn’t purple.
    There…my comment is now longer than your story. My work here is done.


    Alexa Echo…Alexa Echo…Alexa Echo…Alexa Echo W(T)F

    Liked by 5 people

    • Dear Alexa Echo,

      Can you believe I actually researched something? What’s this world coming to?
      You know, you could have dyed the white zebra stripes purple.

      Too bad you lost your rocker
      Steve Out-of-Jobs

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Claude Bawls is the perfect name for an inferior decorator. Plus it’s one I won’t forget if I ever decide to hire someone to redo …. Well, anything in my house!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My eyes are still smarting from the polka dots and zebra stripes. Such and imaginative and imagery-full tale this week 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I think I’ve always been an inferior decorator but I didn’t know that I was one. Feeling pretty superior now. Lord Brainfart is a man ahead of his times.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Me neither. I couldn’t decorate a dog house. Yes, Lord Brainfart lives on the edge. The edge of what, I don’t know, but it’s the edge of something.


  7. I am reliably informed that if you tease a tiger then Claude Bawls come free of charge, and almost instantaneously.
    And polka dots are clearly an error of judgement, much better with cha-cha dashes.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Perhaps it’s time to slip into my claw resistant undies.
      You’re right. Let’s go with the cha-cha dashes. How do you feel about paisley?


  8. One of the many things I love about your writing are the titles and names you come up with Russell. What a clever story and as always, it made me laugh.

    BTW, I have one of those phones that needs an elephant pocket. But, it’s mostly because I can’t read those little ones anymore. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • If you like the names I come up with, you’ll really love the characters in One Idiot Short of a Village, such as Blind Rutabaga and his seeing-eye dog, Stevie (named for Stevie Wonder). 🙂

      I think this whole small print thing is a conspiracy. Pretty soon, I’ll be carrying around a 42 inch screen myself.


  9. I think that’s a great way of getting away in the legal paper for a decorator::

    ,,, no sir, that’s not a typo, I really am an inferior decorator… you will need an interior decorator, but I don’t give refunds.

    Liked by 1 person

    • With the popular styles these days and inferior decorator might do well for themselves. I’ve seen plenty that goes beyond tasteless and tacky.


  10. Brainfart. We lived for 11 years in a town called Brainerd. Visitors from more urban places often referred to it as Braindead. Just a random memory 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I once delivered flowers to a house owned by a foreign businessman. The carpet was two inches deep, every piece of furniture was painted gold and heavy with curliques and there was an electric chandelier that hung the height of two floors in the stairwell. I think they might have used Mr Bawls too …
    That phone karma is a b***h, no? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. You know the comments are just as hilarious as your story … both of them.
    Cell phones have become a nightmare. There isn’t a place to get away from them.
    When did we all get so important? ahhhh … my battery went out on my IPhone S5. I stood
    my ground and refused to purchase another. One day, good old IPhone S5 was working again. LOL (I really wanted to type a scary movie laughter but don’t know how).
    Oh … the other story … I’m with Rochelle. It sounds like the inferior decorator Elvis might have hired.
    Have a super week …
    Isadora 😎

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t know how to type scary laughter either. I think it starts with a “B” like Baahaa, but I don’t know for sure. When I type it, it comes across like a sheep screaming for help.


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Mandie Hines Author

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