Russell Gayer, author speaker
How many of you have at least one friend who is a real cheapskate? (Or maybe it’s your friend who knows someone like that 🙂 ) I have a buddy who’s so tight he squeaks when he walks. When we go to lunch, it’s takes half-a-can of rust remover just to get his wallet open.
This guy loves to go to garage sales—and he’s a real negotiator. If the price is a dollar, he’ll offer twenty-five cents. If the item is fifty cents, he tells the owner, “Pay me a dollar, I’ll gladly to take that thing off your hands.”
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the word-count tightwad who runs this show is Jacqueline Benny Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
I was leaning on the handle of my hillbilly backhoe when the Purple Pygmy and the Watusi Canuck came waltzing across the pasture.
I hopped in the hole and pretended to dig.
“Nice pond,” said the Canuck. “Mind if we take a dip, eh?”
“No freebies. It’s gonna cost ya.”
“How about a rare work of art?” The pygmy flashed a crayon drawing of baby venison on the hoof.
“What else ya got?”
“I could do your portrait?”
“Okay, you got thirty minutes—but no diving!”
Little did they know I was just cleaning the pit under the outhouse.
Poetry, Horror, Psychological Thrillers
Stories From Within
Finding ways to make words sparkle
This is the blog of a woman who is seriously on the edge and I mean right ON the edge…no, not there… just a little bit further… further than that…no, further still…just a tiny bit more… just move slightly to the right a little…no, that’s too much…just move a tad to the left…that’s right, just there…now you’ve moved too far to the left… Damn, what part of the ‘on the edge’ do you not understand? Oh, and her matricidal boy genius, come devil spawn.
Or the three people I guilted into reading this blog, whatever.
Growing older is inevitable. Growing up is optional.
I may make you feel, but I can't make you think.
All the Blogging That's Fit To Print
AS I TOLD THE GIRL THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO, THANKS FOR LAUGHING AT ME HERE TODAY.
A Humor Blog
Stylistically Abusing Language for the Betterment of Mankind
Straight up with a twist– Because life is too short to be subtle!
An author's perspective of mystery and more.
And the worst things. And all that weird stuff in between.
Ha… love the response to the stories, they can come and shower at my place for a “nominal” fee
LikeLiked by 4 people
Put it on our account, Björn. 😉
LikeLike
They’ll need a shower after this swim. Charge extra for the towels too.
LikeLike
OK… We’re listening…
LikeLike
Brliant Russell!
I love how you came through…
Watusi Canuck?
LikeLiked by 1 person
I was trying create a visual comparison of the height difference between you two. If you were standing side by side, and I took a photo of your face, we’d barely see the top of her head. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL! Hmmm… there is a decent distance ‘tween the two of us… just a mere 8 1/2 inches…
LikeLiked by 1 person
And all this time I thought I was tall. Just for that I’m going to Hobby Lobby to buy more purple crayons.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Backhoe Bob,
Everyone’s an art critic, eh? I used my best purple crayon to draw Winky. When have you ever seen such a magnificent rendering of the dear baby deer? After all I did graduate from
WWBB Art Academy, Sumtime Cum Louder. And that’s all I got ta say on the matter. Gonna swim my laps now before the purple rain creates a purple haze.
Shalom,
Jacqueline Benny W(T)F
LikeLiked by 2 people
Dear Jacqueline Benny W(T)F,
How much do you charge the YMCA to swim in their pool? Do they pay you with sets of colored pencils?
I think all you really learned at Walla Walla Bing Bang Art Institute was how to draw wine glasses. You must have used live models. I picked up on how the glass starts out full, and in each ensuing painting it gets emptier and emptier–and the image more fuzzy. Coincidence? I think not.
Bottoms up,
Backhoe Bob
LikeLiked by 3 people
Ya know what? You are so right on the wine glass situation…
Rochelle and I need our glass of whine when we discuss using friends as subjects…
LikeLiked by 1 person
You see, I really am dedicated to my art. I owe it to my fans to provide a certain level of authenticity. I prefer authentic Sauvignon Blanc or authentic Chardonnay. For Skype sessions with Dale I sometimes mix the two for better gossip. 😉
L’chaim-hic!
Jacqueline Benny W(T)F
LikeLiked by 1 person
Absolutely loved that! Thanks for giving me a good chuckle.
Susan A Eames at
Travel, Fiction and Photos
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank them. They started it. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re very welcome, Susan. 😀 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
I was looking forward to your rejoinder. It didn’t disappoint
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks, Neil. They had it coming.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Of course we did and the rebuttal is as much fun as the initial story(s).
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aye no’ bad, wee man, it’s time somebody dropped that pair right in the keech.
A few folk would pay good money to see that, I’m sure.
Would you accept a wee bawbee as an entrance fee?
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hey! What up, Buster!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
As the dropees, we the Watusi Canuck and Purple Pygmy, demand a percentage of the admission fee. And just remember who he’s really digging the hole for. 😉
LikeLike
I think it would make a great spectator sport. Not only could we charge admission, we could sell concessions too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Delightful exchange of creative ideas here. “Hillbilly backhoe” was precious. 😂we call it “the business end of a shovel” a foreign concept these days. Something tells me health inspectors are going to bury you three in red tape when they check the water quality.
By the way, I’ve never seen a Watusi Canuck — but you never know what one might encounter in la Belle Province. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
You can always tell a Watusi Canuck by their extended height and mating call, “Eh, eh, eh?”
LikeLiked by 2 people
that must be some kind of dip to remember. 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
I would think so. When I get the outhouse set back up, I’ll have a place to hang my portrait.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, I am SO not going there … especially when I run out of TP. But, then again, it’s an awfully big painting, so …
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha, ha, poor you Russell and your wife got a photo of it. Did she or you send it in? What a memorable moment. If it’s for an outhouse it’ll have to be wider and deeper. Right next to your vegetable garden will at least make the soil richer.
If you readers want more of this zaniness you can go to the top of Russell’s blog and click on Books. If enough of you buy his books he can even afford an inside toilet. 😀 — Suzanne
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Suzzanne. Maybe I should start one of those “Fund Me” pages and try to raise enough for indoor plumbing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
😀
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Musings on Life & Experience and commented:
Some fun stuff.
LikeLike
I’ll give your pool a miss. I might give the pygmy and the Watusi Canuck a miss too after they”ve taken their dip.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I think they’ve been on the wine again.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Red, white or concord grape. 😉 L’chaim.
LikeLiked by 1 person
And we always thought there was coffee in that cup. Not with THOSE kind of beans …
LikeLiked by 1 person
Double revenge. They will never return!
LikeLiked by 2 people
I wouldn’t count on it. They’re probably plotting their next caper as we speak.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Rusell’s Revenge. Love it.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks, Trent. I enjoyed it too. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Psss: The Purple Pygmy and Watusi Canuck rather enjoyed the volley, too. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
The other side of the story! I wonder if Shelley and Dale will take heed of your last line before diving in? 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Nah, I didn’t say it out loud.
LikeLiked by 1 person
What? Us listen? Pfft.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Har! Har! The ultimate revenge. The poo(l) of misfortune.
LikeLiked by 1 person
or the Cesspool of Middle Age.
LikeLiked by 1 person
BTW all y’all are invited to my 39th birthday party this fall.
Shalom,
Jacqueline Benny W(T)F
LikeLiked by 1 person
“Now CUT THAT OUT!” – Jacqueline’s Uncle Jack.
LikeLiked by 1 person
A brilliant laugh-a-line yarn! Nice one Russell.
Click to read my FriFic tale
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you, Keith.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, dear! Very funny, especially when added with all the comments.
Coincidentally, we’re having a garage sale, and you captured exactly why I hate those things.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Connie and another gal are having a big one tomorrow and Saturday. The weather’s supposed to be very hot. I’m sure there’ll be a lot of haggling going on.
LikeLiked by 1 person
HAHAHA! You’ve done it again! 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yep, just like Mr. Magoo. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Not so much swimming as just going through the motions…
LikeLiked by 2 people
More like wallowing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is great fun!
LikeLiked by 2 people
There’s nothing quite as fun as harassing the purple pygmy. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I would have loved to be a fly on the wall to see the outcome of this scene. Or, at least a fly on your backhoe. 🙂 Love this, as always, Russell!
LikeLiked by 2 people
There are plenty of flies around the cesspool. I bet they have the inside track on what’s going on.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yuck! I didn’t recognise you in the photo without the red nose and silly glasses.
LikeLiked by 2 people
If I wore my nose & glasses, the dirt might not take me seriously.
LikeLike
Or not.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wait, you mean those really ARE fake?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Like Lincoln said, “You CAN fool some of the people all of the time.
LikeLike
Dirty tricks going on here.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Indeed!
LikeLike
Oh dear, there are friends and friends. I imagine these three are permanently trying to out do each other. Great unpleasant ending.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’m glad they can take it, cause they sure can dish it out.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Fun – Funny and Funnier … I’m off to the cheek surgeon to have my skin put back in place. i don’t think a permanent smile plastered on my face would look appropriate at a funeral. I’ve laughed until my stomach hurt.
The 3 Amigos go rogue on FF … When is the book ‘The 2 Amigos and Invisible Box Mystery’ being published.
OK … I’m done. I can’t get a serious comment going so I’ll just say, “Thanks for the laughs.”
Isadora 😎
LikeLiked by 3 people
That made my day. Just wear a veil to the funeral and keep the permanent grin.
LikeLiked by 2 people
LOLOL
LikeLike
The outhouse?! So much for washing the sweat off.
I think your rusty-wallet friend has been to my yard sales.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I bet. Rusty Wallet really gets around.
LikeLike
The aroma alone should have been an indication. yuck!
LikeLiked by 2 people
You’d think.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha! Love the names you gave or fellow FF writers! Guess you pulled one over on them. Great continuation of the story.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Pulled one over? I don’t THINK so. 😉
LikeLiked by 2 people
Nah, it was just a friendly exchange.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ewwwww! lol
LikeLiked by 2 people
Nicely put.
LikeLiked by 1 person
After having read your story, I’m rather disgusted by the title. 😉
Are you making fun of the way Canadians speak, eh? By the way, Canucks are in the West, not the East (where the lovely Dale lives). 🙂
Were you really cleaning the pit under the outhouse? Ugh…
LikeLiked by 2 people
I love Canadians, especially those who end every sentence with eh? I even love little Jewish artists who pick on me and love the color purple.
That hole in the ground is actually where our water main comes to the house–but we do indeed have an outhouse–a two-seater at that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
A two-seater-outhouse, eh? Thought it was a mythical object, like the unicorn.
LikeLike
Ha! Nice rebuttal Russell. And the perfect title too – touche sir
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you, Lynn. I thought the title was a good fit too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s certainly very visual 🙂
LikeLike
Oh, to have your imagination! Love it! @sheilamgood at Cow Pasture Chronicles
LikeLike