unhappy returns

I saw on the news today where an old lumberjack found a full sheet of plywood in an Oregon forest. Lumber prospectors and home improvement gurus are rushing to the area in hopes of striking the mother lode.

Sasquatch who live in the area are extremely upset and demanding state and federal agencies stop the plywood snatchers from gleaning the forest of this valuable natural resource. 

In other news, chemists at the Stay Puft Corporation have developed a marshmallow plant that grows similar to cotton. Film at eleven.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Space Cadet who captain’s this ship of writers is Dr. Joan Dale Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright – Dale Rogerson

Welcome to the Earthling Return Center. My name is Sidra. How can I help you?

My wife and I abducted this earthling last night and it appears to be defective.

What seems to be the problem?

It cannot speak but attempts to communicate using sign language. Plus, it snatches the Do-Not-Remove tags from everything in the spacecraft. We performed a brain scan and all we got was images of wine glasses. The face is totally devoid of color except for black stars around the eyes. I’m not sure it’s native to this planet.

Sounds scary. I’d reject it too. 

29 Comments on “unhappy returns

  1. Hahaha! I don’t know what to laugh at more – your fabulous intro of the story of this poor Earthling.
    I love how you always (mostly) give us a two-fer!
    I can’t say I blame the Sasquatch… I am supposed to redo my kitchen and would be tempted to go foraging in them thar woods.

    Like

    • There’s plywood in them thar hills! It must be embarrassing to be rejected by aliens, but even the smartest UFO captain is unlucky enough to abduct a mime once in a while.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Don’t make the Sasquatch angry! They will invade houses and tear off the DNR tags from everything!
    Many earthlings are defective. I hope there is a generous return policy. 🙂
    Two hilarious stories! Where can I buy a marshmallow plant?

    Liked by 1 person

    • The return policy on defective earthlings can be complicated–plus, there’s a mountain of forms to complete.
      They’re still working out the kinks on the marshmallow plant. The blooms tend to fall off the stems if the sunshine gets too hot.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear Colton,

    Shelley will never tell you the whereabouts of her invisible box. Not for all the Tang at NASA. As for Sasquatch. Wood is at a premium right now. Those plywood poachers have a lot to answer for. Go Big Foot! Make them pay for every last splinter.
    Alien indeed. Hand over a goblet of your finest Apothic Crush and no one gets sloshed. Now where’s that invisible exit?

    Shalom,

    Dr. Joan Dale W(T)F

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Dr. Joan Dale W(T)F,

      It would have been even worse if the aliens had picked up Colton Lowry. That brain scan would have drawn a blank. Hopefully, the Big Foot will squash the plywood pirates and put an end to their thievery.

      No one gets sloshed? There’s something wrong with that sentence. They must be drinking Tang.

      “Buzzed” Aldrin

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Well GEEZ! Just when I had everything packed to drive to Oregon, you alert the world to plywood. Why not tell them about all the smog collection available in Los Angeles? Geez. Hard to get ahead with so much blabbering.

    *Nancy Hartney, Author* *nancy.hartney@gmail.com * *http://NancyHartney.com *

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sorry for spoiling your plywood pillaging mission, Nancy.
      Maybe you could knit sweaters for the sasquatch or help them paint protest signs.

      Like

  5. Now that is bad luck, but I suppose it’s like a carnival game – you don’t always pull up a good prize! As for the plywood haul, maybe it would stop them chopping down 1000 year old trees. #SaveFairyCreek

    Liked by 1 person

  6. They may wish to return this defective earthling, but what will they do if they exchange it for one that talks…. especially spouting the kind of stuff that gets spouted everywhere these days.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s funny you should say that. Parents and grandparents can’t wait for the day a baby starts talking and it’s not too long after that when they wish the kid would shut up.

      Like

  7. Shortages of plywood. We were thinking of building a deck. Don’t know now. Sigh.

    Fun story, too. I don’t think what they got is an earthling, either 🙂

    Like

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