What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Upchucking Wood
Have you ever been watching TV or listening to the radio and decided to change channels when a commercial came on? If you’re like me, what you discovered is a hideous plot by advertisers to synchronize commercials. Somehow, they manage to successfully block every route of escape.
It doesn’t matter if you’re watching the news, sports, or Uncle Zeb’s Cartoon Camp, your program is going to be interrupted by someone pushing drugs or auto insurance. Punching the remote is a waste of time and thumb energy. I bet someone in the booth even calls down to the field, “Hey, Coach, have one of your players fake an injury—it’s time for a commercial break.”
While synchronized commercials do provide adequate time go to the bathroom, cook dinner, and wash your car, I still find them extremely aggravating. What pushes your buttons?
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the tiny fairy who sprinkles all the photo prompts with Purple Pixie Dust is Tinker Belle Merlot Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Hello. I’m Marty Woodchuck. You may remember my cousin, Gordon Dale Groundhog, who was brutally murdered a few years ago.
What you probably don’t know is why he was killed. In addition to being a top-notch weather forecaster, Gordon excelled at chucking wood. In fact, he was the odds-on favorite to win gold at the Wood Chucking Olympics.
Conspiracy theories abound as to who killed Gordon. Some blame the Chinese, others the Russians.
Today, prosecutors uncovered evidence linking Rowdy Beaver to the crime. Beaver, who was having an affair with Gordon’s wife, is said to be hiding in Montreal, Canada.
22 Comments on “Upchucking Wood”
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What's So Funny? 
I don’t know whether to suspect these are coded references to Friday Fictioneers scribes. Maybe it’s just whimsy, but I detect people hiding under these disguises.
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Like it says, “conspiracy theories abound.” Now, it’s up to you to figure out which one was Gordon’s wife.
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First off, I am so with you on the commercial situation. On the plus side, it does give you time to do the things you need to do and not miss your show…
As for this story… When things seem too convenient… Then again. just because his wife was having an affair, it is cliche to accuse the lover…
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I like your positive attitude regarding the commercials. Like it or don’t, it’s something we have to live with.
In regard to the story . . . Hmm, I’m wondering. It seems you may have some information the rest of us don’t. Is there something you’d like to share with the prosecutors?
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Better that than whine, I say.
And. Um. I don’t know that you’re talking about. 🙄
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Yep, we will be right back after the break, stay tuned and we’ll see you in a minute. Rubbish some of those ad breaks are five minutes long.
Just find the newly built dam and there you will find our Rowdy Beaver hiding in his den.
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When I said “you can wash your car” I wasn’t kidding. An hour-long program is 15 minutes of content and 45 minutes commercials.
Rowdy is too lazy to build his own dam. I suspect he’s holed up with one of his lovers.
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Dear Marty Woodchuck,
I’ve still never been able to figure out how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could really chuck wood. Wouldn’t you like to be beaver, too? No doubt you know the gutter cleaning people whose incessant commercials make me want to dump all my leaves in their gutters. Or then there’s Local Steals and Deals…if you haven’t seen that one, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvXMPrb12Ic Oh my gosh, right? I found when I was in NC that she isn’t necessarily “local.” Although watching her for any length of time makes me want to skip the local and be put under general anesthesia. Pass the Propofol, please. Time for a station break. Hey men, it’s a blood flow problem…to the collective brain. Flittering off to todays craft fair to see how many wine glass pictures we can sell. Such a deal we have for you.
This comment brought to you by the letters F and K,
Shalom,
Tinker Belle Merlot W(T)F
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Dear Tinker Belle Merlot W(T)F,
I don’t have gutters, and if I did they might find my brain and it would ruin my career as a writer. When in Omaha, we discovered the same twins doing car commercials as in Ft. Smith. Those girls really get around.
Selling all those wine glass pictures is sure to work up a thirst. I hope you’re well prepared.
Happy hawking,
Marty Woodchuck
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The mute button on my remote is getting rather worn out!
Although I would like some timely updates on the woodchuck murder mystery. Where is Hercule Poirot?
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I use the mute button a lot too. It seems like they run the same ads over, and over, and over . . .
Evidently, the Candadians (one in particular) are refusing to cooperate in the investigation. I think they’re still mad over having their competitor in the Wood Chucking Olympics disqualified for performance enhancing drugs.
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Reading the comments is almost as much fun as reading the story 🙂
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Isn’t though? Makes you wonder about some of these folks, doesn’t it.
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I love the humor 🙂
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My problem is a little different. I settle down to watch my entertaining commercials and the network barges in with those annoying shows! Then when I switch the channel all of them are broadcasting shows as well! Where is Jake from All State, Tom Selleck, Joe Namath? It’s a conspiracy all right.
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Jake from Allstate? Damn man, you really are paying attention aren’t you? Is it true that you’ve been intimate with the Cologuard box on multiple occassions?
And as for those Medicare Advantage Plans, it’s free rides TO the doctor, not ON the doctor. Yes, it is a conspiracy.
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i can live with the tv ad breaks, I’m usually on my tab most of the time the television is on anyway. What I can’t abide are the ad breaks on my favourite computer games. Love your story.
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Yes, I hate those ads on computer games too. One I’m seeing a lot now is for Bitcoin.
Too bad C.E. Ayr isn’t still playing. We could always blame the murder on him.
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I think beaver did it. Just a hunch.
About the commercials. Yours over there are often funny and clever. When I was in Canada, I liked to watch them just out of curiosity. If you want to know what commercial-torture really is, come and watch German commercials. You’ll die of boredom.
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I tend to agree, although none of the competitors in the Wood Chucking Olympics were too saddened by Gordon’s demise. Rumor has it, most thought he was a little cockly and full of himself.
Our commercials to attempt to be funny and clever. Sometimes it works and other times we just roll our eyes at their stupidity. What’s really weird about some of them is that when it’s over you still don’t know what product they’re advertising.
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Hi. Synchronized TV ads annoy the heck out of me too. I still watch a fair amount of commercial TV, but I’ve also gravitated towards Netflix and its kin because of their no-ads policy.
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At least he managed to produce a nice pile of wood before shuffling off this mortal coil. Someone will benefit come winter 🔥 😄
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