What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
The Doctor Is In
Recently, I visited a dermatologist for a scab atop my left ear. He told me it was an age spot—which had to be a lie. At 68, I’m much too young for those. He took a biopsy of a different spot on my ear which came back as Basal Cell Carcinoma. The doctor carefully explained that this was in no way related to Oregano Beltoma, or Rudolph Casanova.
He scraped a dime-sized area and the nurse covered it with a 2 ft. square bandage. Thinking I’d advertise like a NASCAR driver, I made a sign saying, “Rent Russell’s Ear.” My new sponsor is a panhandler and now the bandage reads, “Anything helps!”
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our hostess, who thinks 3 ft. is the deep end of the pool, is Rubber Duckie Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
At first, I was angry, then embarrassed.
My lawyer recommended I accept the plea bargain and weekly psychiatric counseling.
Clutching my purple emotional-support crayon, I entered the shrink’s office.
The doctor greeted me with open arms. He remained silent while I shared my inclination to clip people’s Do-Not-Remove tags and devour their bran cereals when they weren’t home. I related my arrest, booking, and alleged kleptomania.
You should’ve seen his face when I mentioned the invisible box.
The treatments cost $160 a pop.
For that money, I should get more than a couple of pillow tags and a rag doll.
23 Comments on “The Doctor Is In”
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What's So Funny? 
Sorry about the ear. Mr. kleptomania should have gotten referrals to counselors who have a sliding fee scale.
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There’s additional room on my bandage if you have a product you’d like me to sponsor–or I can wear one over the other ear if you want exclusive billing.
Dr. (or Mr.) Bill was the court appointed counselor. Le Petit Velouse didn’t get to pick her own.
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Dear Whinny Van Gogh,
She definitely deserves extra tags and the doll should be extra soft and cuddly and dressed in purple and come with a glass of Apothic Dark and a few pieces of chocolate, all in one huge invisible box. Because I don’t mime if you don’t mime. I feel much better now.
Shalom
Rubber Duckie W(T)F
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Dear Rubber Duckie W(T)F,
I don’t think Dr. Bil will object to the wine and chocolate but dressing him in purple may be going a step too far. Be careful not to crush your emotional-support crayon. You may be required to draw “Binky” at your next session.
Cheers,
Whinny Van Gogh
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Great answer to the fees, they are in the invisible box. Look it’s on your desk.
Who is the nutcase here?
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The mime. It’s always been the mime. I fear any and all efforts to rehabilitate her will fail.
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So sorry about your ear, Russell. Hopefully it can all be sorted out. If you are too much trouble, Connie can have the bandage cover your mouth, too.
Doctors these days. For that amount of money, the doll should have been given willingly 😉
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Don’t give Connie any ideas, Dale. She already has too many of those.
As for giving Shelley the doll, where would the fun be in that? She’s a sneaky little mime.
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Hahaha! I don’t doubt that for a second 😉
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I hope your ear is on the mend! Sending healing energy! Every time I see a Do Not Remove tag I think of you. :D
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Thanks for the kind wishes & healing energy.
It’s nice to be thought of regarding something, even if it is a DNR tag. 🙂
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Snipping ‘do not remove’ tags and snaffling bran cereal are acceptable, as far as kleptomania goes. Just make sure your MC doesn’t start stealing story ideas or mime routines.
Thanks for the chuckles here, Russell. I always love a chuckle.
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Thank you, Margaret. I’m trying to get a publisher to fall in love with Criminal Mimes so I can get the novel in front of the masses. Raise mime awareness and the dangerous pitfalls of having one (or more) in your town. If that book ever hits the shelf, I expect a lot silent, but arm waving-finger flipping protests from the mime community.
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somebody should get an earful for charging an exorbitant fee like that. but hopefully, the insurance will cover part of it.
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Yeah, insurance will cover it. But Shelley is having to pay for her mental evaluations. Kleptomania is a serious illness and I’m afraid they won’t be able to rehabilitate her.
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Sorry about your ear, but your story made me laugh!
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It’s crazy–the things I do to draw attention to myself. 🙂
Glad it made you giggle.
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I heard a mime really needed that box and its invisible contents.
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Oh, so you’re feeling sorry for Shelly, is that it, Lori? She is a rather loveable villain. If only she weren’t a mime . . .
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Yes, the ear thing sucks but your story was funny, as usual.
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Thank you, Dawn. You live closer to the mime than I do, so keep an eye on your Do-Not-Remove tags and bran cereals. And remember to keep any invisible objects out of plain sight.
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Two stories for one prompt. Did the children in the elevator stare like they did with me? Well done, X2.
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The nice thing about kids is they don’t hide their curiosity. Perhaps I need to have an ad for the upcoming Garfield movie on my bandage.
Thanks for reading and your comment.
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