What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Love at First Squint
A grocery store chain in our area has a private label brand called Fit & Active. I’ve tried a few of the products designed for “a healthier you” (the Devil’s Food Cookies are amazing) and found them to have no impact on my waistline or energy level. The only thing that got lighter was my wallet.
You don’t need a Gallop poll to tell you there are more fat people in America than skinny ones. Who’s catering to the people who want to be overweight and lay around doing nothing? That’s why I’m proposing the Unfit & Idle brand. These tasty carb-laden snacks make your body produce more serotonin, a brain chemical that induces a mild state of euphoria known as Carb-coma—making you feel happy yet groggy at the same time. How sweet is that?
If this is your first visit to Friday Flash Fiction, the little fit-to-be-tied author with an overactive imagination who ramrods this show is Louise Clairol Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block, click here.
PHOTO PROMPT © Fatima Fakier Deria
Heads turned as she sashayed down the pier. Ebony hair pulled into a tight bun, button-nose thrust toward the sky, she projected an aura of self-confidence. Old tars looked up from their work. Young sailors dropped their nets, mouths agape.
“She’s a perfect fifty-seven,” quipped a squint-eyed salt, admiring her lithe figure. “Nineteen, nineteen, nineteen.
“Hiya,” he calls. “You know you’re awful pretty!”
“You’re pretty awful yourself.”
“What’s your name, Sweetie?”
“Olive Oyl.”
(under his breath) “Sounds like some kind of lubricant.
And what’s that wee thing tagging behind you?”
“My niece, Violet Oyl”
(under his breath) “Good thing I gots me snake boots on.”
A-gah-gah-gah-gah-gah-gah!
Don’t Fence Me Out
I hate to admit this, but I have something in common with Donald Trump. I recently won a Presidential Election against a female candidate who was far more competent and qualified than me. My appointments include; Chevy Chase, Sec. of Slapstick, Bill Murray, Sec. of De Fence, and my personal Press Secretary, Perry Block. What could possibly go wrong?
When I joined Toastmasters, I thought the name implied a drinking club, but all they want to do is talk. Maybe I had them confused with that other group, Alcoholics Monogamous. However, I’m not going to let that interfere with my campaign promise, Make America Laugh Again.
If this is your first visit to Friday Flash Fiction, the inquisitive little detective who always solves the mystery in 100 words or less is Nancy Drew Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block, click here.
PHOTO PROMPT © J Hardy Carroll
“Al, you’ve got to do something.”
“What do you think I should do?”
“I don’t know, put up a wall or something.”
“That would cost Kansas City a lot of money, and I’m not sure how effective it would be.”
“It doesn’t need to be a huge wall. A short fence would do. Ever since you invented the Internet we’ve had nothing but trouble. At first it was just once a week, but now it’s out of control. The entire blogosphere is at risk.”
“Oh, come on, Tipper, don’t be so melodramatic. How much damage can one purple-obsessed pygmy do?”
BIG Time
On my way home yesterday, I received a blessing (and I’m not even Catholic). A man driving a flat-bed truck had lost a rear wheel in the middle of Don Tyson Parkway. I stopped to see if I could be of any assistance, but two young black men had already arrived to save the day.
These guys were wearing baggy pants, hoodies, and sunglasses—not your typical angel attire—but I’m sure to the guy needing help they appeared to swoop down from heaven on folded wings bearing lug wrenches of gold. The miracle was seeing this happen in a city that was a “Sundown Town*” during my childhood. Maybe there’s hope for the human race after all.
If this is your first visit to Friday Flash Fiction, our resident angel (who never worked for Charlie) is Sabrina Duncan Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block, click here.
PHOTO PROMPT © Jennifer Pendergast
A Tale of Two Dawns
“Well, hello,” said the brunette. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”
The redhead grinned. “You don’t think we’ve been set up, do you?”
“It looks that way.” The brunette smiled and repositioned her sunglasses atop of her head.
“What did he promise you?”
“He said he’d been having lingering visions. Appearing here would introduce a new audience to my writing. I’d hit the BIG Time.”
“Pretty much the same line he fed me. Kept repeating tales from the motherland and insisted I click the clown’s nose.”
“I can’t believe he used us like this.”
“Oh, he’ll pay—BIG Time.”
* Sundown Town refers to signs that were posted stating that colored people had to leave the town by sundown.
The Joy of Watching Paint Dry
For someone who doesn’t spend a lot of time in the kitchen, I pride myself on being able to whip up a good mess. Since I don’t have any formal training, this must be a God-given talent. All I have to do is enter the room and the counters go from pristine to a disaster area in 4.9 seconds.
Some of those who’ve witnessed my creations suggested I launch my own cooking show, “Wrecking with Russell,” on cable TV. While I’m flattered by their faith in my ability to trash an entire room in an attempt to boil water, I’m told the show would cost far too much to produce due to the excessive staff required for clean up.
If this is your first visit to Friday Flash Fiction, the retired cake decorator who never let a dollop of icing hit the counter is Betty Crocker Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block, click here.
PHOTO PROMPT © Shaktiki Sharma
“Perry, you and JB attended the Pre-Paint-Drying Banquet last night. Is there one player who might come from out of nowhere to pull an upset?”
“Any of these four could win it. But keep an eye on ‘Plain Jane’ Jones. If she performs with the same level of energy and passion she displayed in my hotel room, she’ll blow this thing wide open. That is, if she’s not too exhausted from last night.”
“Perry, surely you don’t mean—”
“That’s right, Willard. She painted all four walls AND the ceiling. We spent the next six hours just watching it dry.”
*an excerpt from “The Joys of Watching Paint Dry.”
Scab Bloggers
How many of you have seen the commercial that starts with the “Real People, Not Actors” disclaimer? What they’re really saying is the advertiser was too cheap to hire a professional spokesperson. Instead they rounded up a few stragglers from a Walmart parking lot and gave them each a hundred dollar bill to “Oouu” and “Ahh” over their product.
What would happen if our Fairy Blog Mother did the same here? Imagine if you will, Friday Flash Fiction stories penned by scab writers instead of highly talented authors. No Sandra, no C.E., dare I say, no Dawn? Even The Reclining Gentleman would get up and walk away.
If this is your first visit to Friday Flash Fiction, the professional spokesperson who will promise you a 15% savings on your next 100 words is Jamie Lee Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block, click here.
copyright – Rochelle Wisoff-Fields
Critiquing Fiction with C.E. Ayr
Go, Jan, go!
See Jan go.
“Spot, spot, wait for me,” cried Dale.
Plenty of action, but too many repetitive words. Also, no sense of place. Where are we—the beach, on a treadmill? Furthermore, the copy is fraught with typos. The correct spelling is S-T-O-P.
See Fido run.
Fido bit Fluffy.
“Bad Fido, bad,” said Jan.
Add some internalization. How did Fluffy feel? Invoke the senses. Has Fido rolled in something dead? What does Fluffy’s fur taste like?
In this example, I’ve pointed out some of the most obvious flaws.
What suggestions could you offer to improve this story?
Rife for the Picking
Last Saturday, Jan Wayne Fields and I, along with his wife, Lil’ Whats-Her-Name, attended the February OWL meeting in Branson. In the afternoon session, a pair of esteemed editors critiqued submissions of opening paragraphs. The subject of grammar came up and both mentioned their aversion to writing with colons.
Those who follow this blog know that I sometimes write from the lower intestinal tract. The Master of colon writing is Dave Barry. He even published a study the subject entitled “A Journey Into My Colon—And Yours.” In one version, he asks the doctor ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?
If this is your first visit to Friday Flash Fiction, the nurse who will prep you for your deep cleansing of 100 words is Cloris “Nurse Diesel” Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block, click here.
copyright – Sarah Potter
Scattered snow-showers with a chance of breakfast
At six am on Groundhog Day, the Nasal Falls Volunteer Fire Department pushed their lone engine out into the wintry blast to make room for the voting booths.
Father Kowalski and the firemen huddled for a quick prayer, petitioning God to postpone any unnecessary fires or cat-in-the-tree rescues until the polls were closed.
By seven-fifteen a line had formed on the downwind side of the building. The threesome stood with their arms crossed, gloved hands tucked under their armpits, shuffling their feet like little penguins, and hoping a polar bear looking for breakfast didn’t round the corner.
The above is a snippet from One Idiot Short of a Village
Double Enigma
Here’s an enigma for you. How do words such as Common and Sense get paired? The implication is that your sense is at best average, or ordinary. What if you had Uncommon Sense, Inn Sense, or even Franken Sense? You might be better off having no Sense at all? In other words, Senseless.
What other word combinations can you think of? Since I have poor word recognition (hard of hearing), my Listening Ear Wife often translates inaudible sentences to me by screaming at the top of her lungs (as opposed to from the soles of her feet). I bet you can think of plenty more.
If this is your first visit to Friday Flash Fiction, the meter maid who writes speeding tickets to those exceeding the 100 word limit is Lovely Rita Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block, click here.
copyright – Liz Young
Detective Lowry took a drag off his cigarette and studied the scene. Since solving the invisible box caper his phone had rang non-stop. He’d investigated decapitations before, but none this gruesome.
The how and why were obvious. But who?
The Heineken bottle, cigarette box, and mattress batting were obvious plants. The list of possible suspects ranged from O.J. Simpson, to Jamie Farr, to Rin Tin Tin.
Lowry turned to his assistant, Dr. Blockson. “What’d ya think, Cyrano?”
“I’d say the perp was an amateur. He’ll trip himself soon enough. After all, how many people out there are wearing Michael Jackson’s nose?”
Washed Up
What ever happened to theme songs? There was a time when you didn’t have to be in the same room as the TV to know what was coming on. Those first few notes signaled smoke from Jed Clampett’s musket, the thundering hoofs of the Cartwright’s horses, and the melodic voices of Archie and Edith belting out “Those were the days.”
I propose we have theme songs for our blogs. The music from Hawaii Five-O, Jeapordy, or Twilight Zone, might be fitting for some, while others may opt for the lyrical magic of tunes such as Rawhide, Cheers, and my personal favorite—Gilligan’s Island.
Which music would you pick? Include your answer in the comments.
If this is your first visit to Friday Flash Fiction, expect to hear “Smoke on the Keyboard” (a take-off of the Deep Purple classic) when you click on the homepage of our hostess, Linda November Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To meet the members of the FFF Glee Club click here.
copyright – Ted Strutz
Washed Up
“A has-been,” they whispered behind his back.
After a career spanning more than four decades in the advertising business, he’d been dropped like hot potato.
Told that he would be a nice fit for Washington by an orange-haired candidate, he anticipated being nominated to a cabinet post after the election.
When that fell through, the only work he could find was an occasional birthday party. Once considered loveable, his random public sightings were now labeled as “creepy” by the mainstream media.
Ronald stared at his red shoes and wept. He would eat tonight, but it wouldn’t be a happy meal.
Running of the Chickens
We have a wooden box with drawers in the garage that serves as a tool chest. The drawers in this cabinet are older than Perry Block (yes, trees had just been invented) and don’t slide freely. Saturday morning, I grasped the handles of the top drawer and gave a quick, hard yank. When I did, a mouse leaped toward me before escaping through a back entrance in the box.
Normally, I’m not frightened by small, gray, fuzzy creatures, but due to the element of surprise, I jumped and darn near marked my boxer-briefs right there on the spot. Evidently, my sudden appearance had a similar effect on the mouse, as I noticed numerous droppings in the drawer upon his departure. He probably thought I was from the Trump administration, come to deport him.
If this is your first visit to Friday Flash Fiction, our little hostess with the big smile and pointy nose is Minnie M. Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To meet the members of the FFF Mouseketeers Club click here.
copyright – Roger Bultot
Running of the Chickens
Spectators crowd onto second-story balconies to cheer on the daring competitors. Local TV crews jockey for position.
Piercing screams echo from the brick facades of ancient buildings while terror runs rampant down the narrow corridor. In its wake, the street is speckled with blood. Chicken feathers float like harmless snowflakes in the warm summer breeze.
“What was it like, running from chickens?” asks a reporter.
“Terrifying,” The combatant reveals the beak-marks on his neck and streaks of blood racing down the back of both legs. “I’ve never been more scared in all my life.”
“Would you do it again?”
“Absolutely.”
*another excerpt from a short story in One Idiot Short of a Village.
Almost Everyone Loves a Parade
When I was a boy of six or seven, my mother took me with her to one of her hair appointments. I never understood the necessity of getting something “fixed” if it wasn’t broken, and as best I could tell, her hair was still securely attached to her head.
She told the hairdresser she wanted a “Permanent.” I interpreted this as a once-and-for-all procedure and that we would never, ever have to return to this wretched den of stinky chemicals again. Three months later, I found out that “permanents” should be reclassified as “temporaries.”
If this is your first visit to the Friday Flash Fiction Salon, our chief word-stylist and truth bender is Paulette Mitchell Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a roost in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
In its wake, the parade left a path of destruction that included a porta-potty containing “Blind Rutabaga” Keller and Stevie.*
“I had just torn off some tissue and was about to do the paperwork,” said Blind Rutabaga. “When BAM! Something slammed into the building. I thought a tornado had hit. Then KABOOM! The little plastic building exploded and me and Stevie are lying in the street. Then I hear music, and a band is playing ‘When the Saints Go Marchin’ In.’
“I thought we’d died and went to heaven, except for still having my pants around my ankles, of course.”
* Stevie is Mr. Keller’s seeing-eye-dog
Evidently, this is also excerpt week. The clip above was snipped from the parade scene in One Idiot Short of a Village.
Purchase ‘One Idiot Short of a Village’
Purchase ‘The Perils of Heavy Thinking’
What's So Funny? 