Russell Gayer, author speaker
Like every other American of my generation, I grew up watching Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom starring Marlin Perkins. The most amazing thing about this show was not the exotic locales or dangerous animals they encountered. It was Marlin’s ability to convince his none-too-bright sidekick, Jim, to perform death defying acts of stupidity.
Here’s an example of a typical scene.
Marlin: Here we are in deepest Africa. Our native guide, Walulu, has informed us that the largest crocodile in watering hole, whom they call Astaminyahna (translated “Gonna Get Ya”), is suffering from a toothache. My assistant, Jim, will now swim through the crocodile infested waters, pry open Astaminyahna’s mouth, and perform a root canal without the aid of anesthesia.
Jim (wrestling the croc): Marlin, could you hand me the vise grips and cordless drill?
Marlin: No can do, Jim. I might get mud on my new khaki shorts.
The mild animal in today’s story is obviously constipated or suffering from some sort of intestinal blockage. Too bad Marlin isn’t around, I’m sure he’d have Jim hogtie the poor creature and administer a soothing enema.
If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, the host of this award winning program is Marlene Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To read stories by other FFF authors click here.
Scene: The President has assembled his cabinet for an emergency meeting at a secret location somewhere in Pennsylvania.
President: I’m sure you’re all wondering why I summoned you here.
Vice President: No, but I am curious why we are meeting in a third-story broom closet on the campus of Havertown U.
President: This is a matter of national security. I don’t want anything leaking to the media until we’ve made our decision. Then I’ll call a press conference and inform the American public.
Secretary of State: Oh, I love secrets. When can we start planning the cover-up?
Secretary of Defense: Is it terrorists? I’ll put the military on high-alert.
President: No, it’s much more serious than that. Ladies and gentlemen, meet our new, middle-of-the-road political mascot, “Doofus.”
Poetry, Horror, Psychological Thrillers
Stories From Within
Finding ways to make words sparkle
This is the blog of a woman who is seriously on the edge and I mean right ON the edge…no, not there… just a little bit further… further than that…no, further still…just a tiny bit more… just move slightly to the right a little…no, that’s too much…just move a tad to the left…that’s right, just there…now you’ve moved too far to the left… Damn, what part of the ‘on the edge’ do you not understand? Oh, and her matricidal boy genius, come devil spawn.
Or the three people I guilted into reading this blog, whatever.
Growing older is inevitable. Growing up is optional.
I may make you feel, but I can't make you think.
All the Blogging That's Fit To Print
AS I TOLD THE GIRL THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO, THANKS FOR LAUGHING AT ME HERE TODAY.
A Humor Blog
Stylistically Abusing Language for the Betterment of Mankind
Straight up with a twist– Because life is too short to be subtle!
An author's perspective of mystery and more.
And the worst things. And all that weird stuff in between.
“No comment.” 🙂
janet
LikeLike
Come on, Janet. You know you want a Doofus bumper sticker for the 2016 campaign.
LikeLike
I’m not even going there, Ray. 🙂
LikeLike
Hilarious recollection of Wild Kingdom, Russell! As for Doofus, someone must have been really bored out of their mind at work to concoct that freak of Photoshop nature.
LikeLike
Doofus is a great example of bipartisanship. What can possibly go wrong?
LikeLike
But…we don’t need a new Doofus. We still have Joe!
My favorite of the two stories is Mild Kingdom, though. Good Lord, does that mean I’m as old as you are?!?! Dang it.
Astaminyahna!
LikeLike
No, I’m pretty sure you just watched reruns in syndication. I was right there, praying for Jim to outlast the Anaconda while Marlin studied the social interaction of Mallards from the safety of a duck blind.
LikeLike
An enema? Ugh! As a nurse, I hate administering enemas. Let’s just give the little guy a sip of Miralax and let nature take its course.
I will, however, take a Doofus bumper sticker for the 2016 campaign. It seems so right!
LikeLike
In a recent poll, 82% of registered voters preferred Doofus to the elephant or jackass.
LikeLike
There’s a mascot I can relate to! Love it.
LikeLike
I remember that – Jim, grab that 20 foot python for me, would ya.
I wonder what happened to him ? I think I qualify for the doofus party.
LikeLike
🙂 I haven’t had much chance to read recently, Russell, and I’ve missed your day-brighteners!
LikeLike
Absolutely brilliant.
Not sure a Brit should comment on one of your political mascots – we have more than enough Doofuses – or should it be Doofi – of our own!
Still chuckling Russell
Dee
LikeLike
Aaah, but secret meetings are no match for our Russell. I’d like to ask you to put me down for a bumper sticker…we have an election coming up in 99 days (and counting), however we already have a doofus in charge.
You never cease to amaze me with your stories each week. I really look forward to reading them.
LikeLike
Thank you, Lyn. On behalf of Doofus and myself, we appreciate the kind words.
LikeLike
Having met Jim many times when he was a guest on our Morning Show, I can’t think of him with a straight face anymore with that Mild Animal and intestinal blockage. From a political viewpoint, you need to “know your enema” very well.
I laughed until I stopped. Always a pleasure, Russ.
LikeLike
Thnaks, Kent. I had fun writing it. 🙂
LikeLike
Dear Mr. M. O. Omaha
I can’t stop laughing. We used to watch Mr. Perkins every Monday night. Your intro was my favorite part this week.
As for political mascots and Doofuses I shall plead the 5th.
Shalom,
Marlene
LikeLike
Maybe you should start a Mutual of Missouri. You could be Marlin and Kent could be Jim.
LikeLike
I howled, from intro to ending! Bravo! I want a doofus doll, I want a bumper sitcker and pin! Beyond well done Russel !
LikeLike
Support your local Doofus, I always say.
LikeLike
Brilliant – love the story, love the name ‘Doofus’, and this line really made me laugh:
“I love secrets. When can we start planning the cover-up?”
Great stuff 🙂
LikeLike
Russell, you never disappoint. How do you do this? Love your humor. Maybe this is just what our country needs. Poor Doofus would get blamed for everything though.
LikeLike
I can just imagine! Great read.
LikeLike
And Johnny Carson used to do a number on Marlon Perkins too, but I can’t quite remember how it went. Marlon looked like a stiff breeze would blow him over while Jim Fowler did all the heavy lifting. Those are fun memories for a couple of Geezers like us!
Doofus will have great success as a mascot for either party!
LikeLike
I had visualized you as the President and Linda V. as the VP
LikeLike
I could just hear the narrator’s voice in my head when I read the Mild Kingdom part. Well done! As for Doofus, is this finally a conglomeration of all the political parties?
LikeLike
Doofus has a wide range appeal. He formerly worked for Fruit Stripe gum.
LikeLike
Knew I couldn’t miss this one!
LikeLike
Why not? It would fit in most political circles I know.
Scott
Mine:
http://kindredspirit23.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/friday-fictioneers-672013-invasion-seriously-pg13/
LikeLike
Doofus will win the election.. Go for it 🙂
LikeLike
“When can we start planning the cover-up!” ahaha! I think Marlin made Jim sleep with Doofus every night. (If you need me, I’ll be down at Doofus Headquarters registering to vote.)
Havertown U sounds familiar. Didn’t Al Gore graduate from there? I heard they offer a Global Warming/Internet Inventing Degree, but I could be mistaken . . .
LikeLike