Like every other American of my generation, I grew up watching Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom starring Marlin Perkins. The most amazing thing about this show was not the exotic locales or dangerous animals they encountered. It was Marlin’s ability to convince his none-too-bright sidekick, Jim, to perform death defying acts of stupidity.
Here’s an example of a typical scene.
Marlin: Here we are in deepest Africa. Our native guide, Walulu, has informed us that the largest crocodile in watering hole, whom they call Astaminyahna (translated “Gonna Get Ya”), is suffering from a toothache. My assistant, Jim, will now swim through the crocodile infested waters, pry open Astaminyahna’s mouth, and perform a root canal without the aid of anesthesia.
Jim (wrestling the croc): Marlin, could you hand me the vise grips and cordless drill?
Marlin: No can do, Jim. I might get mud on my new khaki shorts.
The mild animal in today’s story is obviously constipated or suffering from some sort of intestinal blockage. Too bad Marlin isn’t around, I’m sure he’d have Jim hogtie the poor creature and administer a soothing enema.
If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, the host of this award winning program is Marlene Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To read stories by other FFF authors click here.
Scene: The President has assembled his cabinet for an emergency meeting at a secret location somewhere in Pennsylvania.
President: I’m sure you’re all wondering why I summoned you here.
Vice President: No, but I am curious why we are meeting in a third-story broom closet on the campus of Havertown U.
President: This is a matter of national security. I don’t want anything leaking to the media until we’ve made our decision. Then I’ll call a press conference and inform the American public.
Secretary of State: Oh, I love secrets. When can we start planning the cover-up?
Secretary of Defense: Is it terrorists? I’ll put the military on high-alert.
President: No, it’s much more serious than that. Ladies and gentlemen, meet our new, middle-of-the-road political mascot, “Doofus.”
Poetry, Horror, Psychological Thrillers
Stories From Within
This is the blog of a woman who is seriously on the edge and I mean right ON the edge…no, not there… just a little bit further… further than that…no, further still…just a tiny bit more… just move slightly to the right a little…no, that’s too much…just move a tad to the left…that’s right, just there…now you’ve moved too far to the left… Damn, what part of the ‘on the edge’ do you not understand? Oh, and her matricidal boy genius, come devil spawn.
Or the three people I guilted into reading this blog, whatever.
Growing older is inevitable. Growing up is optional.
I may make you feel, but I can't make you think.
All the Blogging That's Fit To Print
AS I TOLD THE GIRL THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO, THANKS FOR LAUGHING AT ME HERE TODAY.
A Humor Blog
Stylistically Abusing Language for the Betterment of Mankind
Straight up with a twist– Because life is too short to be subtle!
An author's perspective of mystery and more.
And the worst things. And all that weird stuff in between.
It's okay if you fall down and lose your spark. Just make sure that when you get back up, you rise as the whole damn fire.