Bad bike, baaad!

Connie and got back from visiting Dr. Shlomo Raz at UCLA Medical Center late yesterday afternoon (my excuse for being late). I offered to donate my brain to medical science, but they politely declined, insisting they only accept brains capable of forming complete thoughts.

We’re going back for a longer stay in December and I’m taking my overalls. If you’re a Hollywood producer reading this, you might consider signing me for a new reality show, “An Arky in Westwood,” and we can film a few episodes while I’m in town.

If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Biker Mama in charge of this weekly Tour-de-blog is the fast riding Alcea “Hollyhock” Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF “Hollywood Squares” author seating chart click here.

photo courtesy of anelephant cant

“Is this the defendant?” asked Judge Burns.

“Yes, your honor,” replied Bailiff Smithers.

“Sir, you stand before the court charged with assault. The plaintiff states that on the afternoon of June 14th, in an act of premeditated malice, you swerved to strike a large boulder, causing the plaintiff to become airborne. Upon contacting the ground, he suffered contusions to the face, lacerations to both wrists, and a fractured left tibia.

How do you plead?


“It is my order that you be strapped to the largest tree in the town square and sprayed with dog urine.

Bailiff, release the hounds!”


30 Comments on “Bad bike, baaad!

  1. Good one. I like your tags – public humiliation.. I enjoyed your intro as well, only accept brains capable of complete thoughts. That leaves me out as well. I enjoyed your story. Made me laugh – that’s always a good thing!


  2. Hahaha! Bad bike is RIGHT!

    Did Dr. Shlomo check out the dogs first before they … oh wait! He’s a “people” doctor.

    Original, very original. Thanks, Russell.


  3. Dear Waylon,

    Some courtroom hearings in real life are nearly as ridiculous. Funny stuff.

    Back to pedaling through the stories.




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  5. When I checked my emails at 8:00AM, I saw one was from the sender, “What’s so Funny” and the subject was, “Bad Bike, Baaad”. Aha, says I, this can only be one thing…the Friday Fictioneer entry from one of my favourite Friday Fictioneers.

    Oh, why am I’m only reading it now at 3:12PM? Because I had a doctor’s appointment this morning (no brain scans involved) to obtain some antibionics to treat with contempt, a naughty infection resulting from a fall down the back stairs last week.

    As usual, I was not disappointed, Russell. I never cease to be amazed at what you do with the photo prompt each week 🙂

    I wonder if I could get Judge Burns to sentence the back stairs to bear the brunt of several thousand fully ladened wheelbarrows for a week or two?


    • Your comments always make me smile. I appreciate you being such a faithful reader. Hope the infection clears up soon.


    • Humor has never as popular the other genres. Even when a humor book does make it to the best seller list it doesn’t stay there long. That makes it extra special when people take the time to stop by and comment. I really appreciate it.


  6. Hi Russell,
    Are you sure that wasn’t Judge Gunn? Do they use police dogs to spray the urine or does the state contract for that job? Finally, I recommend training wheels for the defendant. Ron


  7. His lawyer didn’t do a very good job as far as I can tell. I think he should appeal (because being sprayed with dog urine certainly isn’t appealing!) Everything OK with you?



    • Yeah, I’m fine. My wife has one of those mesh implants and Dr. Raz is the only guy in American who will remove the entire sling in a single surgery. He is also one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. What do you think of the title, “An Arky in Westwood?”


  8. Loved this, still amazed at where your mind takes us each week. Laughingly well done 🙂


  9. Hey, Russell, how about taking me to Hollywood and both of us will search for TV writing jobs together? The TV industry is just dying for overage writers that cannot understand or write to the Gen X and Gen Y graphic. We can practice starving together! I feel great sympathy for the poor bike in your story but maybe he can find second life as a pair of backup glasses for Bob.


  10. They really do have minds of their own. PS I love your stories – I use them as examples when people want to know what Friday Fictioneers is all about!


  11. It always amazes me how cruel the human race can be.

    Oh a happier note, I just saw Hollyhock whiz past my window and she was rockin’ some French cuffs.


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