Sweet Relief

I want apologize in advance for this week’s offering.  I don’t usually resort to crude, juvenile humor two weeks in a row . . . make that four weeks in row . . . Oh, never mind.  When I saw the photo prompt, courtesy of Erin Leary, I thought “how can I write something funny based upon such a gray, bleak scene?” After whining and wallowing in self-pity for all of thirty seconds, I decided to suck it up and act like a writer. Friday Flash Fiction was created to challenge us, make us write stories we wouldn’t ordinarily write, force us to grow as we learn from each other.

There’s your motivational speech for the week. Now, let’s move along.

In a few days, I will be asking you to Judge a Book by Its Cover.  I will post two cover designs for my upcoming book. Please vote for the one you’d be the most inclined to pick up if it was crying out your name from a crowded shelf in a poorly lit bookstore. I will also include brief excerpts from four or five stories to give you a feel for the content. You don’t have to be a registered voter to participate. This offer is good on all seven continents and the District of Columbia.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the physician in charge of correcting gastrointestinal disorders caused by this blog is the esteemed Dr. Feelgood Wisoff-Fields.  If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF  Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Erin Leary
copyright – Erin Leary

RHONDA:    Bill hasn’t been himself lately, Marge. It’s like there’s a black cloud hanging over him and by six o’clock he’s totally sapped. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he won’t open up. It’s putting a real strain on our marriage.

MARGE:      Does he feel bloated and have stomach cramps?

RHONDA:    Yes, how did you know?

MARGE:      From what you’ve told me, I’d say it’s a case of Classic Constipation.

RHONDA:    Classic Constipation? No sh*t?

MARGE:      I’m afraid so, Rhonda. Spike his cocktails with prune juice and feed him some roughage. In a few days, he’ll be as frisky as a young stallion.

RHONDA:    Oh, Marge. You saved our marriage!

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43 Comments on “Sweet Relief

  1. Hi Russell,
    Is this the same Marge that has women soaking their fingers in Palmolive? Surprised she didn’t recommend Bill soak something there. Speaking of Bill, is he a friend of yours, a very close friend, almost inseparable, identical? Hope things are regular for you. Ron

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  2. “Classic Constipation”: that would also make quite a title for a book. Hopefully not yours, Russell. I look forward to seeing your dueling cover reveal.

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    • I suppose you have “Metropolitan Constipation” there in the Big Apple, and even worse over in New Jersey–especially at bridge crossings.

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      • And you know, my close personal friend, Martini Max, is a life-long resident of Fort Lee — and longtime Chris Christie loather. He is loving this!

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  3. Russell! You’ve got a book coming out and you didn’t even mention it all this time! You are a dark horse! I can’t wait to judge the cover! I will try my best to imagine it on a dimly lit shelf in Barnes and Noble and whether or not it will stand out to me while I’m munching on stale pastries!

    Oh how I love that you have Russellized the problem of irregularity. I mean that . . . no sh*t! (and whatnot)! It’s a classic!

    (Actually it’s been five weeks in a row, but who’s counting?)

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    • Well, irregularity happens and Rhonda’s lucky to have a good friend like Marge who can diagnose it merely on heresay. I look forward to your comments regarding my book cover options.

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  4. I’ve been waiting impatiently for your post ever since I saw the prompt and you haven’t disappointed. Constipation is a hard subject to broach, yet you have done it with great wit.
    I particularly love your references this week to our host and friendly physician – you’ve outdone yourself.
    Oooh, I can’t wait to see your book covers!

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  5. I’ve heard it says that it takes 3 weeks for something to become a habit. I’d say you crude and juvenile are now your style. 🙂 This, too, say the bloated, shall pass.

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  6. I’m so glad you decided to suck it up and go serious here, Russell. I laughed, I cried, and yes, I took a shit. And thought of you the whole time!

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  7. Dear Bill,

    I’m speechless…so it’s a good thing I’m typing, eh? I think I gave the wrong person the golden turd award when I gave it to Doug year before last. It just proves that some juveniles never grow up. Juvenile? Senile? I’ll have a prune juice on the rocks to toast your story and your upcoming book. 😉

    Shalom,

    Dr. Feel(ing)good

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  8. Ha, you’ve come through for us again! A little roughage and prune juice is bound to save any marriage. Congrats on your book! That’s wonderful. I will gladly give you my opinion. I can’t wait to see the covers.

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  9. Now there’s a challenge–sneaking a hralthy dose of prune juice into a man’s evening cocktail. Good luck, Marge! Looking forward to casting my vote on the covers.

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    • If you add enough booze, the prune juice is barely noticable. Of course, the challenge there is to not pass out before it takes effect.

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  10. Aw, Russell, tell me you didn’t really GO there. I’m with Dawn, would have diagnosed PMS instead. Can’t wait to see the covers!

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  11. So THAT’S what’s wrong with my marriage! If you want me tomorrow, I’ll be in the kitchen, squeezing the juice out of my prunes. Looking forward to the book covers and excerpts. Ann

    Like

  12. There have been several references to brown water and such sh*t this week for the prompt. While I don’t see it, I grant that they have been enjoyable to read!

    Like

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