Sloburbia

Yesterday, I sat in a meeting with my boss and two others. He was throwing out metaphors to describe a production facility taking a hard look at their product and admitting they had “an ugly baby.” He also comparing it to people who have a hard time accepting that they have “a drinking problem.”

My take away from this meeting; “After a couple of drinks, your baby will look a whole lot prettier.”

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the bartender who’s willing to listen to your sob stories and offer friendly advice is Leah VaTipp Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Kelly Sands
copyright – Kelly Sands

“Have you met the new couple who moved into the Fredrick’s house?” Judi snuffed the butt of her cigarette on an empty beer can.

“Her name is Nikki. She’s a freak.” Wanda cleared a spot on the ottoman with the heel of her flip-flop. “What they did to that house is a crime.”

“You’ve been inside?”

“Yeah, it’s bad. I almost hurled a couple of times. The counters were spotless, you could eat off the floor, and the toilet had clean water.”

“That’s disgusting. How can people live like that?” Judi flipped a booger across the room. “There goes the neighborhood.”

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45 Comments on “Sloburbia

  1. Russell, Hilarious. 😀 From what I’ve read, artistic people are less neat. Those people next door are probably sadly unartistic. They sound like the kind of people who vacuum the carpet to remove the impressions your shoes left. 😀 Well done once again. 🙂 —Susan

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  2. Russell, Russell, Russell, You can literally eat off my floor! There’s enough for a three course meal I’m sure. Besides – Niki is nice! I like her. You are the funniest guy I know and I bet you keep Connie in stitches. Just to let your readers know – if they ever come to my house, bring some Lysol, handi-wipes, bleach too. GREAT STORY! (as usual)

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    • I don’t mind leftovers, Nan. Shall I bring some desert?
      Actually, I’m not very funny at home. Dry as a popcorn fart, as my Dad would say.

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  3. Lol this was hilarious. Really, one man’s meat is another man’s poison.

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  4. I’m sure if I dropped my wallet in Wanda’s toilet, nobody would hit me up for a loan!

    BTW, my mom’s name really is Wanda. Don’t worry. She’s a good sport! Sorry I missed seeing you guys. We’ll hook up, though, don’t worry. It’s good to be back.

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  5. A picture of clouds and he writes a funny story about freaky neighbours 🙂 I have to admit, none of your characters would like my house — too clean for some and not clean enough for the other.

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    • Ah, I see you’re familiar with Pigpen in the Peanuts cartoon. He lives in the house with the antenna on the roof.

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  6. Funny take on the prompt! It’s all about your point of view. Wanda and Judi wouldn’t like my house or me. I’d be the gossip of the neighborhood.

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    • Don’t tell me you’re of those people who keeps a clean house and a tidy yard? Judi and Wanda can probably recommend a therapy to help you get over those issues.

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  7. How funny to have the neighborhood go to “hell in a hand basket” (as my mother would say) just because it’s clean. Thanks for the chuckle, Russell. Alicia

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  8. Ha! Ha! Judi sounds as if she stays in Booger Wonderland. Though I’ve stayed with flatmates who might have been related to Judi and Wanda. Great take on the prompt.

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  9. Dear Russell,

    I used to live next door to these booger flipping hoarders. I don’t know if they ever washed their dishes. I laughed at your convoluted way of saying, “There goes the neighborhood.”

    On your way out don’t forget to…

    Shalom,

    Leah Va Tipp

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    • You mean you’re supposed to wash them? I thought you just let the dog lick ’em off between meals.
      Here’s your tip – invest in plastics. Remember that line from The Graduate?

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  10. Awesome title! You know, I think I know a couple places around where I live where Judi and Wanda would fit right in. I think I’m more of a Nikki myself.

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  11. booger-covered furniture… yuck haha i’m not the tidiest or the most organized person but i don’t think i’ll fit in that neighborhood either. 🙂

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    • I think there’s a litter box odor going on in there too, but thankfully the word limit kept it out of the story.

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  12. There goes the neighborhood–haha! No worries, Nikki would probably not set foot in their houses a second time.

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  13. She flipped a booger across the room. Yucky! Well, this is a certainly a different perspective. To each his own, I guess. As always, a very funny story from you, Russell.

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