Starve Trek

Monday morning found my inbox filled with emails from the insurance department informing me that it will soon be time for our Biometric testing. This is the annual event where they determine I’m too short for my weight. According to their scale, someone with my body mass should be eleven foot, two and three-quarters inches tall.

Connie has been surfing the web in search of a medieval rack to stretch me, but it’s highly unlikely I’ll reach the height goal by mid-October. It’s too bad. I was hoping to become as svelte as my good buddy, Mr. MacIlroy, who I’m told trains for disc-golf tournaments by chasing island girls at luaus.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the writing fitness instructor who works overweight stories down to a slender 100 words is Jillian “Edit till you Drop” Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Marie Gail Statford
copyright – Marie Gail Statford

Captain’s log; Star-blimp, Baby Goodyear, has spent twenty minutes circling the Foodcourt Galaxy in search of the Silverware Nebula. So far, the only utensil we’ve encountered is a pair of primitive sticks.

“Mr. Spook, what do you make of this?”

“Highly illogical, Captain. Perhaps it explains why the natives have no problems passing their biometric exams.

“Bones, help me out here. How do I eat soup with these sticks?”

“Dammit Russell, I’m a doctor not a culinary wizard. Call engineering.”

“Mr. Snot, do you have a solution?”

“Aye, Captain. Try this.”

“Strange. It appears to be a hybrid of some form. What do you call this hideous invention?”

“It’s a spork, Captain.”

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This week’s offering came in at a gluttonous one hundred and twelve words. My sentences are seriously overweight due to their sedentary lifestyle, an overabundance of proper nouns, and lack of action verbs. The  word-doctor says they’ll be lucky to make it past the weekend.

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47 Comments on “Starve Trek

  1. Gotta love the spork. Never saw one in my life until I went into the military. Do you think they were commissioned by the Pentagon? Funny stuff here, Russell. Good luck with the test. I hear a cabbage diet works wonders to keep people from wanting to get too close. Maybe the doc will just give you a pass if you show up smelling like cabbage. HA!

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    • I’m sure the military spent a fortune on sporks–right up there with $400 toilets. Yes, I’ve heard of the cabbage diet. I believe they recommend clothes-pin nose clips with that one.

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  2. Russell, That was really hilarious. 😀 As a fan of Star Trek, I found it especially funny. 😀 Well written from the intro to the end. 🙂 —Susan

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  3. Hilarious story! Those plays on Star Trek are great., Russell.

    Good luck on your test. I hope you studied hard for it! 😉

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  4. Funny stuff Russell. I am laughing out loud by myself in a food court ..going to go and hide before the white-coats arrive. BTW my daughter is a real Dr. Mccoy !

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  5. Brilliant! The parody was right on the nose and I’m sure I’m not the only reader who can sympathise with the crew’s suspicion over the spork. I’ll forgive you the 12 words too – sometimes these BMI-style targets are ridiculous!

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  6. Dear Captain Girth,

    I’m not sure logic or cabbage will help you out with your dilemma. Perhaps a spork with a hole in it? You know how it is, they creep up on you. An extra noun here, a spare modifier there and before you know it, you’re over-word limits. Great title. I can’t hold my laughter any more, Captain, it’s going to blow!

    Shalom,

    Jillian ETYD

    Like

    • Captain Girth? Ha! Yes, I use a baler string to hold my pants up since they will no longer button at the waist.

      These fat sentences have to go. Slim is in according to all my writer friends. Damn the adverbs, full speed ahead!

      Like

  7. Very inspired parody, Russell. As you know I’ve been on a strict diet and intensive exercise regimen all year, but in your honor tonight, I avoided the kale and ate cookies. I suggest that you eat more veggies, but also climb the stairs.

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    • Little, petitie women (like you and Jillian, aka Rochelle) make us big boys look even bigger. The biometric team probably weighs you two in ounces. Theoretically, your health insurance should be free, although I’m positive they’ll find some excuse to raise your premium.
      Is that stairs, as in plural? For a minute there I thought you were recommending something that I might be able to acheive.

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  8. I’m always delighted when someone writes a Star Trek parody, and yours didn’t disappoint. LOL but then you stories never disappoint, Russell. Oh, by the way, did you know that Mr Spook has twins? He named them Spick and Span 😉

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    • Is it a domestic spork, or one that was captured in the wild? Those things are more dangerous than a BB gun. I hope it doesn’t put his eye out.

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  9. Spook – Bones and Snot ! 😀

    Try Vines instead of Wines and that might help you with the height ! 😀

    Like

  10. That’s one bright spork of imagination. Spork, the final culinary frontier. Your writing is impeccable, Captain Russell.

    Like

    • Let’s hope they can’t come up with something more hideous than a spark, but I’m not going to hold my breath.

      Like

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