A Non-Celebrity Roast

Greetings from sunny Southern California. Connie and I flew out on Monday. She’s having a procedure at UCLA Med Center and I’m observing people in an unnatural habitat. The culture shock goes both ways. Most residents of Westwood have never experienced a genuine Arkansas hillbilly either.

The last two times we’ve been here, we’ve experienced fire in some form or fashion. In December, we attended a Christmas service at the church next door where the communion coverings caught on fire. Last night, at 1:30 am, the fire alarm at Tiverton House went off and we all stood in the street for 30 minutes until the Fire Marshall gave the “all clear” to return to our rooms. You learn some interesting things from people in their pajamas at 2 am.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the scoutmaster in charge of leading the Kumbaya singing is Dinah Short Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright _ Rochelle Wisoff-Fields
copyright _ Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

Welcome to Mean Fartin’s Non-Celebrity Roast. Break out the marshmallows and wienie stick for this week’s roastee, Russell Gayer.

Now, here to roll Russell over the coals are three real humorists; Linda Vernon, Virginia Antonelli, and Mean Fartin himself, Perry Block.


LV: – I was misquoted. Russell’s writing is not tighter than Kim Novak’s face. It’s more like a boring weather forecast; widely scattered words with a slight chance of humor.

VA: – I used to think my adventures were lame—until I met Russell. He’s the only I guy I know who can write in (yawn) monotone.

MF: – Last weekend, Scarlett Johansson accidently downloaded a nude photo of Russell. She called Goodyear the next day to ask when they started making beige blimps with navels.

Russell’s response: – Geez, and to think I asked these people to post a review for me on Amazon.


P.S. – this post is a tribute to Joan Rivers and all the comedians who made the Dean Martin roasts so much fun.

54 Comments on “A Non-Celebrity Roast

  1. Dear Roast of Russell,

    “…widely scattered words with a slight chance of humor.” That and Connie’s good report make me smile.


    Dina (who you callin’) Short.


  2. Okay, so where’s Perry’s comment and who is MF?
    I would think widely scattered laughs would be nearer the truth. You never fail to get a chuckle, a guffaw or at least a choking snort out of me 😉


  3. the only I guy I know who can write in (yawn) monotone, beige blimps with navels, widely scattered words with a slight chance of humor – Beautiful!!!!

    Russell, Russell, Russell, you have made my night. This was fun, funny and a treat to read. Hope all goes well for your wife. Chin up! Alicia


  4. Russell, I also hope all goes well for your wife. I think that not only you, but anyone visiting LA finds it different than where they’re from. That was hilarious as usual. 😀 Next time you go there, they’re going to make you stay in a fire-proofed room. I doubt if LA natives would even notice the difference if you were standing outside in your PJ’s. Well written. 🙂 —Susan


      • I’ll always remember that one Star Trek movie where the crew went back in time to San Francisco. They were standing around in their uniforms and no one payed any attention to them. 😀


  5. Hahahahaha! Nailed, Russell! It’s almost like the greatest victory for romance since Alice Cooper eloped with himself.

    Dinah Short … HAHAHAHAHAHA! 😀

    All funny, all good and a wonderful tribute to Joan.


  6. Russell, you never disappoint. Some USA tv programmes never made it across the pond, but I get your drift. Very funny and cleverly done.

    Ps Hope your wife is feeling better


  7. Awwwwwwwwww, Russell, to be included in your roast in a tribute to dear departed Joan! She was brilliant with self-deprecating humor and had a field day with her cosmetic surgery. When she turned 80 last year she said, “I’m celebrating with my 80th face.”


    • As I recall, you recently had a couple of close encounters with her, right? Well, at least left a good lookin’ corpse. You can’t ask for much more than that.


    • Yes, we are country bumpkins. In America that means you go barefoot, wear overalls, and drink corn-sqeezings from a jug. A weinie stick is a slender stick, usually cut from a small bush, that you implale frankfurters on to roast them over an open fire.


  8. Your friends did you in good. That was a proper roast! You’re always so much fun, Russell. Joan Rivers will be missed. California probably feels like a different country to you, huh? There are lots of fires here, so I’m glad your fire drill was just that and nothing more.


    • I’m glad the false alarm happened before Connie’s surgery. It would have been tough evacuating the building last night. You are right–we are strangers in a strange land.


  9. I am extremely honored to have been invited on the dais to speak in honor of our good friend Russell. Not only is he supremely talented but he’s also extremely handsome as evidenced by the fact that Goldie Hawn married him, and …. what’s that? That’s Kurt Russell? Okay …. Well, we all remember Russell fondly for his outstanding iconic portrayal of the Professor in Gilligan’s Island, who ….That’s not it, either? Russell Johnson? All right. … He’s one of the biggest stars in movies these days, we’re thrilled he’s here, ladies and gentlemen …. oh, that’s Russell Crowe?

    Well then who are we here for again today?

    Russell Gayer?

    Oh yeah, I know who that is. Seems to me last weekend, Scarlett Johansson accidently downloaded a nude photo of Russell. She called Goodyear the next day to ask when they started making beige blimps with navels!

    Actually, Russell is more than a beige blimp with navels. He’s the author of a terrific humor book called “The Perils of Heavy Thinking” and it is as funny as any humor book you’re likely to read these days by any “name” humorist. Every post is funny. And I should know because there are no Cliff’s Notes, so I had to read the whole damn real thing.

    Russell also happens to be one great guy who is very supportive of his fellow writers (including even me, which can’t be easy because most people who read my posts usually ask for a refund.) Russell is always on the Internet or on your blog, wherever you need him, whenever you need him, with a joke or a funny good-natured comment, and not all of them pornographic either.

    And finally as we remember Joan Rivers, we think of Russell also, who hasn’t had quite as much plastic surgery as Ms. Rivers, but at his current rate will look exactly like her well before the age of 81.

    Thank you, Russell! Now if you’ll pardon me, I have to go reunite Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis.


    • You had to dig deep to come up with all those famous Russells’, Perry. Thanks for going to all that effort for little ‘ol me.
      I’ll never look as good as Joan Rivers, but I do hope to make it to 81.


  10. Dear Russell, You, and Connie, are absolutely one of the nicest couples I’ve ever shared a houseboat for a week with. The bar was full of every kind of liquor when we left, and when we came back, I think there was a little wine left? I could be wrong, I know it wasn’t Vodka left – We finished it off the fourth night and had to go to a liquor store on one of the riverports. Connie (tell her hi) makes the best breakfast of any body thus the popular song “Hey Good Lookin, Whatcha got cookin” was written for her!” You know we are right. You make a me laugh, You make a me smile! And, this was a wonderful tribute to Joan Rivers too. She was one of a kind – several different times. Very funny! Have a good week, and we love Connie too!
    Nan (and Mike) too. 🙂


    • You should write a blog post (or short story) about our riverboat adventure. I’d like to read your account of you girls flashing that boat we passed on the lake. Also, I wonder if you still have that video of my story about grabbing that fish with my bare hands.


      • All right you win Russell – I zipped my mouth shut and threw away the key – but it was fun – Hey maybe I will write about the “What happens on the river – stays on the river” vacation. Silly me – Every time I make bacon and eggs, I think of how good a cook Connie is. Or, if I want to split a plant and make two plants. She is so good at gardening too! Love ya’ll, Nan


    • Yes, I think it’s already broken into the top 150,000. I’ll be up there with Dave Barry and David Sedaris before you know it.


  11. Glad to hear Connie is doing well. Laughter is the best medicine–with you in her life, she’ll be in perfect form, soon!


  12. What a group! Bound to get laughs from this crowd. And a wonderful tribute to a talented lady! She’ll be missed.
    Russell, I hope everything is ok with your wife. I’ll be sending positive thoughts.


  13. Ah! I can’t tell you what an honor it is to be included on your list! And I gotta say widely scattered words with a slight chance of humor is my favorite kind of weather, however today I think it’s slightly cloudy with a 100 percent chance of writing a Russell Gayer Amazon book review! And you know what they say . . . when it rains it pours Russell Gayer’s Humorous Shorts! (Okay maybe they don’t say that . . . yet. But they will!)


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