California Scheming

The first cold front of the season moved into NW Arkansas this week. Connie dug our long-handles out of the dresser. I get to wear them Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, and she gets ‘em Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday—wash day is on Monday. If the temperature drops any further, we may have to start wearing shoes.

Poor Connie’s been worrying day and night about her hens getting too cold. I suggested she knit each of them a sweater and some fuzzy mohair stocking for their little feet.  She seems to think a couple of heat lamps is a better solution. Maybe so, but it doesn’t make much of a fashion statement.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the person who wrote from Kansas City to Hollywood with a laptop on her knee is Susannah Clementine Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF  Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Susannah Clementine Wisoff-Fields
copyright – Susannah Clementine Wisoff-Fields

Look! Up in the bird. It’s the sky. It’s a plane. It’s Dyslexia Man.

Slower than a mentally challenged sloth wading through molasses.

Weaker than single-ply bath tissue.

Unable to infuse short sentences with a single noun.

Yes, it’s Dyslexia Man, backwards visitor from the hills of Arkansas who came to Bloggywood with the power and ability to render the English language incomprehensible. Dyslexia Man, who can alter the meaning of common phrases, blend two-syllable words into inaudible gibberish. And who, disguised as Enos “Skin” Flint, half-witted blogger for Friday Flash Fiction, fights a never ending battle for humor, foolishness and the Redneck way.


We can only hope our hero’s arch enemy and lifelong nemesis, Grammar Girl, will stop by to save us from the twisted vernacular and nonsensical jabbering of Dyslexia Man. Please hurry, Grammar Girl!

49 Comments on “California Scheming

  1. Dear Dyslexia Man,

    Why do I find the image of you and Connie sharing long-handles somewhat disturbing? Cold here in Belton, MO as well. I’ve already pulled out the long-johns and knee sox.

    I somehow picture D.M. as Jethro Bodine who gradjiated the 6th grade. Come Grammar Girl! Come quickly!

    You made me craugh…that’s cringe and laugh at the same time.


    Susannah C.


    • Dear Young Susannah,
      I read Grammar Girl’s story this week and left a comment. I expect her to swing by and save the day at any moment now.
      all the best – Enos Flint


  2. Fun stuff this week, Russell. I hope Dyslexia Nan gets along well with Grammar Grill. She’s definitely in need of some barbecued barts and other such assistance.

    Marie Gail


  3. Mohair stockings are all the rage among backyard fowl this season in Texas. Absolutely, positively the funniest thing I’ve read all day, Russell. I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to join the fun this week, but I’m sure gonna try.


    • I’ll tell Connie to verified the mohair stocking craze. Hopefully, she’ll change her mind. I’m looking forward to reading your story.


  4. At least you get to wear them when they’re in pristine condition Russell. Like Susannah, I’m disturbed by the mental imagery here. Oh, funny story too. Now back to the long handles… 😦


  5. Russell, Hilarious. 😀 Ah yes those cold winters. Being originally from northeast Ohio, I remember them well. Letting the water run a bit at night so the pipes wouldn’t freeze, wearing double everything when you went out, digging your car out of the snow, putting rolled towels along the bottoms of doors if drafts were coming in. I remember it well. Well written yet again. 🙂 — Susan


  6. Russell, I so enjoy your weekly or more What’s So Funny? Thought I ought to say so cause I look forward to what you’ve come up with now, and this one about knitting for the chickens is hilarious. You ought to go on the stage, or hey, maybe become a writer. lol​




    • People have told me before that I should go on stage, but most of them meant a long trek in a horse-drawn carriage as far from them as possible.

      Thanks for the tip. I’d take up writing if it wasn’t for all that darn grammar . . . .


  7. Russ, just send me your address so that I can send you and Connie an additional pair of long-handles. Will the heat lamps make the eggs come out soft- or hard-boiled? As for Dyslexia, Man…send me a bit of his dialogue and I’ll see what I can sort out. In the meantime, “never-ending” needs a hyphen. 🙂



    • Ah, Grammar Girl. I’ve see you’ve brought your trusty sidekick, Hyphenette. We’ve been awaiting your arrival. Thanks for the underwear offer too. I may have to take you up on that.


  8. The hens have no need of mohair stockings or jumpers here in out neck of the woods today, it’s 104 degrees. You have no idea how much I look forward to your offering to Friday Flash Fiction each week. Well done Russell, another sterling effort 😀


    • Your hens would need string bikinis. Perhaps the bottomless variety. You don’t want the string running up in front of the egg-hole.


  9. Dear Russell,

    This one finds you in top form, from pot ni uoy sdnif….oh wait, my comment has been hijacked by Palindrome Man!

    Oh, well, you get my drift.

    Hot water bottles for the hens and a ‘lactic blanket for you and Connie.




    • Thanks, Doug. It’s 17 here this morning (and Connie’s day to wear the union suit) the hot water bottle sounds like a good idea.


  10. Stay warm, man! Don’t leave the house more than one persona at a time. You probably can’t anyway since you’re sharing the underwear or whatever.

    You know, I thought I saw Dyslexia Man handing out tickets for IUD’s …


  11. I enjoy your intros and much as your story. I’m still thinking about the little hens with sweaters on, or shivering. I hope you stay warm. Just come out to California. It’s only brisk out here. Very funny! Grammar Girl is not as exciting as Dyslexia Man, and never makes me laugh! She makes me worry about my grammar. She’s no fun!


    • We were out there last year in December. When it drops below 65 the locals put on heavy coats. We found it rather funny.
      Grammar Girl is just doing her job. Someone’s got to be the bad guy.


  12. I love that you make me laugh, EVERY week, Russell… even as I know I missed something. Reading the comments between you, Doug and Rochelle just add to the magic! (and my sense of being out of the intellectual loop of things! You guys crack me up!) Stay warm, darlin’… it’s cold all around this here country!


  13. Up in the bird – wonderful. I live with Dyslexia Man’s cousin and many a time we’re talking about exactly the same thing, but have no idea what the other is saying. (My aunt-in-law used to knit sweaters for chickens born without feathers. Would you like the pattern? 🙂 )


  14. I don’t know, Russell, give Dyslexia Man a good enough agent and he’ll make it big. That second line really made me laugh. That’s quite a mental image. 🙂


  15. Dear Dyslexia Man – I love it! You are so wise and clever! Great story Russell – you make us laugh and are the subject of many chuckles! Really inspiring story and a very, very fun read! Thanks for being born! Nan 🙂


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Mandie Hines Author

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