Alien Probe

Let me ask you a personal question. How much does your mood impact your writing? If you’re feeling happy, do you tend to write light-hearted stuff? When you’re sad or depressed do your prose reflect a morbid or dark attitude?

Normally, I’m a pretty easy going guy, but yesterday a guy named Worth pissed in my Wheaties. It took all my self-control to keep from responding to his email with something that would return to bite me in the butt. To alleviate the pressure rising in my boiler, I drafted a wonderfully sarcastic reply in which I assigned Worth the fitting middle name of Less. The unsent email will remain in my draft folder until I’ve reached the point where reading it no longer brings me joy and satisfaction. Then I will permanently delete it.

In the meantime, look for an antagonist named Worth in one of my future stories.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the moral compass who keeps our Raft of Writers on the high road is Northstar Nancy Wisoff-Fields.  If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF  Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Marie Gail Stratford
copyright – Marie Gail Stratford

“You know, sometimes I feel sorry for those aliens in their UFOs”

“Why’s that, Clem?” Harold rolled a stem of wheat straw from one side of his mouth to the other and leaned against his pick-up.

“With 90% of Americans carrying cell phones, those poor bastards can’t even make a crop circle without someone trying to take their picture.”

“It must be like a bad case of hemorrhoids.”

“That’s why I built that giant suppository—to ease their pain.”

“Mighty thoughtful of you, Clem. Gonna build one for the Sasquatch too?”

“It’s on my list, Harold. It’s on my list.”

 ______________________________________________

check out my new compass

available at  Brasscompass.com
available at Brasscompass.com
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58 Comments on “Alien Probe

  1. Hilarious! If being a bit mad gets you to this story, it’s “worth” it! See what I did there? This was great fun, Russell. The aliens are thanking you somewhere. Snazzy looking compass.

    Like

  2. Love that compass. Story was great as usual…missed the connection from crop circles to hemmorhoids and had to google…I get it now. LOL!

    To answer your question, my mood does impact my writing.

    Like

  3. Great story. You can’t miss the humor high scores with a line about hemorrhoids. It’s a sure-fire chuckle-getter.

    I did notice what may be a typo, though. Do you mean “can’t” instead of “can” even make a crop circle…? I’m great at picking up other people’s editorial gaffes, but always miss my own. Hope you don’t mind me alerting you to this possible mistake… 🙂 I wish people would tell me when they see mistakes in my stuff so I can fix them.

    Like

    • Thanks for catching that. I appreciate you bringing it to my attention. When I talk stories to read at the writers group, they always find plenty of little errors and left out words (a, and, the) in my work. When you’re thinking about aliens with hemorrhoids it’s pretty easy to miss a typo.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Alicia. Have you noticed we don’t have many publicized photos of UFOs and Sasquatch since everyone got phones that take photos? What’s up with that?

      Like

  4. That puts a whole other spin on the phrase Alien Probe. Looking forward to hearing about Worth (Less). We all work with a few of those at times, eh?

    Like

  5. Dear Preparation C

    I don’t think I can top David’s Alien Probe. I’m sure the aliens are quivering with relief. You never cease to amaze me with where your head will go.

    Frankly, I’m in a pretty good mood when I come up with a dark story. When I’m in a bad frame of mind I sit and stare at the screen thinking of how to get back and Worth-Less ones in my own life.

    As always you made me laugh. Now I shall go Tuck myself in. 🙂

    Shalom,

    Northstar Nancy

    Like

    • Dear Northstar Nancy,
      So you’ve met those aliens, Itchy and Scratchy? Let’s just say they’re feeling more comfortable today.
      Those who irritate our backsides are just begging for a role in a story. (love the Tuck’s reference) Need a donut shaped pillow?
      – Clem

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  6. To answer your question, yes definitely, although sometimes it works kinda in reverse and write happy to try to make myself happy. If you see what I mean. The idea of an unsent snarky email sounds good though – although knowing my luck, I’d accidentally hit send!!!
    I liked your two hicks (did you mean “can’t even make a crop circle…” rather than “can”??) and their plans for helping out our neighbours, as it were!

    Like

    • I love your reverse attitude, Jen. My anger usually comes out dripping with sarcasm and the only reader who finds it entertaining is me.

      Yep, that was a typo. I tried white-out, but it just left a nasty spot on my screen.

      Like

  7. I confess a bit of surprise at the amount of space-related stuff this photo prompt is inspiring. Still, it’s been a lot of fun, and I can see the reasoning.

    Here’s hoping Worth Lesley Ch has a run in with karma soon and then learns his lesson for good!

    Cheers!
    MG

    Like

    • I can’t speak for other writers, but personally, I’m lazy and tend to take the easy way out. Writing about a silo in the middle of a field would require a lot of heavy thinking and creative effort.

      Every story needs a villain. Now, I’ve got a villain, just waiting for the right story.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I love the way you’ve made the bizarre so “matter of fact”.

    Like

  9. Russell, I think you’re showing a lot of restraint. Some people would make a doll of Worth and stick pins in it. Hilarious story once again. 😀 — Suzanne

    Like

    • You’re right, Suzanne. A voodoo doll is another good solution, but I can’t wait to torture his character in a short story.

      Like

  10. I actually prefer eviscerating them in fiction. Even when no one but me knows it, the Less Worths of the world make excellent bodies in psycho-slasher tales.

    Like

    • Feel free to use the name, Dave. In fact, I encourage everyone reading this blog to take a stab at him for all they’re worth.

      Like

  11. Maybe a giant suppository is what they came for after all. Probably they get constipated when they travel through space. Problem is when we take them to meet our leader, the Oval Office may wind up with an awful lot of shit all over it. Which Obama will be blamed for.

    Like

    • Maybe Hillary will be our leader by then, and poor Bill will take the blame.

      I can hear him now, “I did not have sexual relations with that alien.”

      Like

    • Thanks, Jan. I wonder how many orders they’ll get for that compass. I hope they don’t forget my commission.

      Like

  12. Hehehehe… no, wait, that’s not a proper comment. That’s some repository. The Aliens will love it, I’m sure. I love the compass and admire your restraint. When I write a rant, I’m usually not disciplined enough to hold it back. After it’s sent or posted, regrets set in. Your way is better. And the question? I can’t write at all when I’m unhappy. I need a somewhat relaxed state of mind. My mood doesn’t play much of a role, that usually improves through writing, because writing always takes me somewhere else.

    Like

    • Good point. Writing does take us somewhere else, and that’s the beauty of it. It frees our mind and takes us to a place where the only restriction is the limits of our imagination.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. What a hoot! (And I love your technique of getting a rant off your chest, so to speak. Going to have to try it next time someone tries my patience!)

    Like

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