The Dolly Madison Files

Drones have been in the news a lot lately. I don’t understand why someone who performs no work, produces no honey, and whose sole function in life to mate with the Queen gets so much ink. Sure, the old gal is getting up in years and has a few wrinkles, but still, it sounds like an easy job with great fringe benefits.

There are probably a lot of guys out there who would like to be a sex toy for Royalty. But from what I hear many of them object to being called Drones. They claim it’s demeaning and makes them feel less of a man. I say, “Get over it. Suck it up and do your duty for God and Country.” Perry, you go first.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the worker who tirelessly provides new photo prompts each week is Aunt Bea Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Claire Fuller
copyright – Claire Fuller

“Listen to this.” Mario read the profile to Luigi. “Lovers have described me as old fashioned and uncomplicated. Soft to the touch and light as a feather. For an unforgettable night, drizzle warm chocolate over my tender flesh, add a dollop of whipped cream and a cherry”

“Sounds sticky. What else ya got?”

“Treat yourself to an evening of blissful pleasure. If you like firm peaches and ripe melons, I’m the dish for you. Naturally sweet, full-bodied, and guaranteed to temp, tease and tantalize. Let me fulfill your innermost desires.”

“I don’t know. I feel guilty cheating on Betty Crocker.”


*For those of you not in the know, today’s offering is a parody poking fun at the Ashley Madison debacle. (The web site reportedly created for married people anxious to commit adultery.)


37 Comments on “The Dolly Madison Files

  1. Dear Luigi,

    I suppose Little Debbie will be next…but somehow I don’t see her as being much of a Hostess. Don’t be a Ding-Dong, stay true to the original Queen. I’d hate to see you go off half baked for some creme filled tart.


    Aunt Bea

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Aunt Bea,

      Little Debbie is headquartered in Gentry (40 miles away) and has already accused me of having peanut butter for a brain. My Queen is in her counting house hoping to sell some antiques and collectibles. Lord knows, we could use the money. Thanks for listening while I drone on and on.



  2. Dear Russell,

    Your story cheers me up no end as I have been unable to access my profile information ever sine the hack. I also learned that there are no real women on the site, only ones made up by ex-Friday Fictioneer writers and that no refunds will be granted. It’s a hard life.

    Good to read your lunacy again.




    • Nice of you drop by, Doug. I hear there are several tribal Queens in Hawaii. No wonder we haven’t heard from you in a while.


  3. Hasn’t it come out that the drones were really just communicating with other drones? Were these online ‘affairs’ or real human contact? Sorry, I guess I haven’t done my research. But I loved your take on the entire affair.
    I guess when it’s all said and done only Tastykake will be left standing!


  4. Oh, this is hilarious, Russell. You always make me smile. Aunt Bea is a hoot, too. As long as there’s whipped cream, I think everyone is happy unless you want beefcake.


  5. I’d love to know more about the person who hacked and spilled the beans. Somehow I think I might kind of like him/her. Nice one, Russell, taking the p*** out of a delightful mess.


    • From what I read, the hacker tried to blackmail them and they refused to pay. Now, people are suing the site founder over the security breech. Those who sneak around eventually get exposed.


  6. I saw that business in the newspaper, but didn’t read it. At my age I consider myself beyond all that I guess. Sad to say many of us this age are more interested in obits. With all the web break-ins putting them at risk for that behavior, I wonder where people’s brains are. It’s possible they’re sitting on them I suppose. Hilarious as always, Russell. 😀 — Suzanne


    • I read the obits daily too. It must be what people over 50 do.
      As to where those folk’s brain is located–it’s between their legs.


  7. Well, Russell, I will do my duty for God and country, but mostly just for me. I don’t mind being called a drone, it’s been my life’s dream; I also hope one day to be a notary. As for Betty Crocker, I look forward to eating her delicious brownies as soon as possible!


    • That you for your service to our country, Perry. You deserve some sort of medal, or at least one of those embossed notary seals. One thing about Betty, she doesn’t kiss and tell.


  8. What has this world come to…..A woman can’t diet in peace! Too much temptation. Aunt Bea needs to put some new rules….;-) (LOL….Fun story)


  9. A cheating service on the internet that claims to be safe and gets hacked, that’s real life comedy. Your story puts the cherry on top, and then there are the comments… Thanks for the chuckle.


  10. Ah! I would love to be a drone. A few hours of frenzied bliss and then you’re dead. Who want to spend days being a worker bee? Thanks for the corking story 🙂


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Mandie Hines Author

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