The Contract

Yesterday afternoon, Connie and I finally got to watch the long awaited clip of our Hollywood debut in “How Long,” the testimonial commercial we filmed for The Hartford/AARP back in June of this year.  I’d love share this beautiful piece of film noir history with you, but am forbidden by two reasons;

  1. I was forced to sign a non-disclosure agreement which prohibits use the clip on social media and personal websites–and more importantly . . .
  2. Connie doesn’t like the way she looks in the film. ~ Nuf said.

The two-minute commercial features The Gayers for about three seconds in which I utter a couple of short sentences with impeccable John Wayne-style timing. The ad ran for a couple of weeks in mid-November on Family Entertainment Television (FETV). I can’t believe they haven’t asked me back to film a full-length movie.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the producer/director of this little shop of tremendously short, short stories is Stephanie King Wisoff-Fields.  If you’d like to take a stab at this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Scott Vannatter
copyright – Scott Vannatter

She pushed the document across the table.

“I need your signature on pages two, six, and ten—and your initials where indicated with an “x” and a yellow highlighter.”

“What’s this all about?”

“It’s our agreement. If you’re to serve as my butler and servant there are certain tasks and expectations you will be required to fulfill.”

“But I already prepare you meals, fluff your bed, clean your private bathroom, and cater to your every whim. What more could you possibly want?”

“Constant worship and praise. Hop to it Fatty, or I’ll have you cleaning up poop behind the piano.”





29 Comments on “The Contract

  1. Russell, Russell, Russell. This is a hoot. That’s exactly what I will now see in this picture every time I open the link to someone’s 100 word entry this week ~ a cat pushing a contract towards her master. Then the writer will change my mind with new words, I’ll open anouther link, “see” your story and it will be like groundhog day all over again. Happy Holidays


    • To be accurate, the cat is pushing the contract toward her SLAVE. I’m flattered that this little story will stick in your mind like one of those songs we don’t like, but can’t get out of our head.


  2. Sorry to hear there’s no full-length movie coming from your TV appearance. I’d advise you to get another agent. I wasn’t surprised by a cat asking for a contract. That idea is liable to spread like wildfire when other cats find out. Hilarious. Well done once more, Russell. 😀 — Suzanne


    • Perry is my agent, which pretty much explains my lack of decent roles. He suggested I audition for Salvation Army bell ringer, but was rejected after they heard me sing, “Put a nickel in the drum, save another drunken bum.”


  3. What are you talking about? You don’t do those things for me already. A contract would be a great idea, especially for cleaning my privates. As for a movie deal, I have no doubt you could be the next Channing Tatum. Oh, way a minute, that’s the next Carol Channing. Sorry.


    • Brandon will have to find someone else to change your Depends.
      I think I have the voice to play Carol Channing. The rest of me may be slightly out of proportion.


  4. Yeah, I got myself into one of these contracts… several realy, but all but one expired by now. It’s a tough life, but you get rewarded with a warm lap and punctured thighs. Fun, as always, and Happy Holidays.


  5. I know this cat. Or if not, it’s a not too distant cousin. Hope you’re having a merry Christmas – in fact I’d stake my life that you are. 😉


  6. I’ve always suspected cats thought like this – I’ve had several dogs, but no cats, and now I know why. Good story, Russell.


  7. Dear Lard Boy…I mean Brad Pitt Gayer,

    You’ve captured the essence of cat. So well, in fact, I had to sneeze and rub my itchy eyes. Well done.


    Stephanie King Wisoff-Fields


    • Thank you, Stephanie.
      This is as close to horror as my writing gets. As you can tell by the dripping sarcasm, I’m not a big fan of felines. Thank goodness Buster (our dog) feels the same way. The only contract I want to sign is for book and movie deals.

      Best wishes for a happy, healthy, and safe 2016
      Brad Pitt Gayer


  8. Oh my! I’m sure he did the smart thing and signed the contract and will abide by it. 😉 Congrats on the movie! Sounds super exciting and I’m sure your wife looks great!


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