Flushed

I’ve taken many personality tests over the years, including the famous “Berkman.” It’s amazing how accurate most of them are in describing all of my wonderful qualities, especially my modesty and humility. These traits come in handy when I’m standing in front of a crowd giving a block-buster speech

One thing they haven’t been able to do is tell me how to overcome SAD (Socially Awkward Disorder). No, this isn’t some sort of political aversion. It’s what happens when you put me in a situation with a group of strangers and expect me to mingle and be fluent in chit-chat and small talk. I freeze up. Connie usually finds me cowering in a corner, hiding behind a magazine. She tells me, “It’ll be all right,” but it never is.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the cigar-smoking psychoanalyst who peels back the layers of our weekly tales is Sigourney Freud Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, stretch out on her couch and follow the step-by-step instructions. To view the imprisoned souls in FFF  Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Ted Strutz
copyright – Ted Strutz

One day, a couple of us boys were in the restroom when someone discovered one of the toilets was clogged. When flushed, water would surge over the side and create a miniature tsunami across the floor.

An older Jewish boy, Perry, pulled out his toy Egyptians and Hebrews, and suggested we stage a reenactment of Moses parting the Red Sea.

While Perry was being paddled for flooding the teacher’s lounge, I returned to the restroom before heading back to class. From out of nowhere, visions of Pharaoh and Egyptian chariots stampeded across my consciousness.

One more flush couldn’t hurt anything.

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52 thoughts on “Flushed

    1. Marie Gail,
      I finally woke up and realized that your comment went right over my head. Perry volunteered to take spanking because it was a female principal. In fact, he tries to get sent to her office two or three times a week.

      1. Ah, I see. You boys must have had the notorious Ms. Plushbottom. I’ve heard of her from a couple other writers. I hope you had your opportunities too. 😉

  1. Who knew there were toy Egyptians and Hebrews? Dang, I was stuck with plastic cowboys and Indians to blow up with firecrackers! No flooding in the teacher’s lounge.Good one, Russell.

    1. I had some of those too, and lots of German and American WWII soldiers. I think the Jewish kids were the only ones with Old Testament action figures. There’s no telling how much fun they had with Samson and Delilah.

  2. Dear Winkle,

    You and Perry are quite the team. This certainly wasn’t a tankless job.

    When my middle son was two he flushed all of his older brothers Star Wars action figures. We became very chummy with our neighbors until the drain was cleared.

    Did Jan tell you about the cigars??? It’s supposed to be a secret.

    I diagnose this story wet, wild and funny.

    Shalom,

    Sigourney Frued

    1. Dear Dr. Sigourney Freud,
      I’m glad you’re on the case and that your only fee is a couple of cigars. Hopefully, Barry brought you back a couple from Cuba.

      I hope it wasn’t Chewbacca your son flushed. That can really mess up the hair. He should have went with a Star Trek action figure. They are known for “boldly going . . .”

      Winkie

  3. Oh Lordy… what was Rochelle thinking in choosing a toilet seat for the likes of you? At least you are up on your old biblical stories… or is it thanks to Charlton Heston that you even know about them?

    1. Thanks for commenting on that, Caerlynn. I have always suffered from SAD. My wife finds it odd that I have no problem speaking before a large audience but become a basket-case at a garden party. She is just the opposite.

  4. I too, suffer from SAD, thankfully my keyboard and pen seem to find ways around it.
    I truly enjoyed your whimsical take on the prompt. Great job! Now I must go look for some Hebrews and Egyptians to liven up the Sunday school classes as we study the Old Testament.

    1. Thanks for confirming that I’m not the only SAD sufferer out there.
      I haven’t looked for any toy Hebrew and Egyptians. I assume Perry made his own out of little balls of clay (let’s hope it was clay).

  5. As for the story, I figured you’d find something to write — and nope, you didn’t disappoint. Loved it! I saw the prompt and figured the “Bad Boys of FF” will definitely be in a writing mood.

    BTW, Commenting on Perry’s little balls won’t taint his childhood. His manhood, yeah, maybe …

  6. Russell, The first thought that came to my mind when I saw this picture prompt was what you were going to write. It’s was perfect for your “genre” of humour and you didn’t disappoint 🙂

    Enjoyed it as always!

    1. Thank you. Not everyone can say their brand of writing is associated with toilets. One of the first short stories I ever wrote was about an outhouse, so I guess it’s in my blood.

  7. I do have Old Testament action figures and I love them. I’ve got Moses, Samson, King David, and my personal favorite, Onan. I played with Onan so much when I was a kid my parents sent me to see a specialist, but he took the Onan away from me and was never heard from again. I got another one though which has been with me for many years, although recently even it has begun shouting “Perry – enough already!”

    Perhaps that’s why I have little balls to this day. They’re shweaty too.

    1. “But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground.” I’m not sure why you’re fond of this character, he seems rather careless with his semen. I always pictured you as more of a minor prophets collector.

      Enough already, about your shweaty balls. Please spare our readers the details.

  8. I wouldn’t have guessed that about you in social situations, but I think more often than not people have some anxiety about interacting, especially since we don’t do it nearly as much.
    Loved your story. So funny. That Perry getting you into trouble again, Russell. What is it about water? When I was a kid, I used to have this barbie play set with a pool! Well, you can guess what happened. The whole darn thing would spill all over the carpet. The room would stink for weeks! It was fun though.

    1. We younger kids are always being led down the wrong path by our senior co-horts. You’ve got to admit, he’s creative and clever. Who else would have thought of the Red Sea reenactment?

      Loved your Barbie confession. You should write a story about it. I assume she was skinny-dipping with Ken when things got out of hand?

  9. Sorry to hear about your problems in society, Russell. Being a primary teacher, I got over any problems, even speaking in front of a group, in a hurry. I was also wondering what Perry thought about being an “older” kid in your story. Funny stuff, 😀 — Suzanne

    1. I have no issues with public speaking, it’s the small-talk mingling thing that gives me heartburn.
      Perry loves being the star in my stories. He should win some blog equivalent to an Oscar for his performances.

    1. I wouldn’t say it was “too easy” but it was certainly fun. We strive to set the bar low and consistently miss the mark. I’m glad that meets your expectations for us. 🙂

    1. His backside was kind of flushed too when the principal finished spanking him.
      Don’t invite him to a potluck. All he ever brings is day-old bagels and leftovers.

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