Divan Diving

Well, another graduation season came and went without me being invited to speak at commencement ceremonies. I didn’t expect to get a call from Harvard, Yale, or Notre Dame, but I was looking forward to sharing one of my famous motivational messages with students and parents from a smaller institute of learning, such as The Academy of Spoiled Rotten Brats.

After all, Perry served as keynote speaker at The College of Jewish Curmudgeons, Rochelle addressed the graduating seniors at Cake Decorators Anonymous, and Kent presented balloon-animal diplomas to those receiving doctorates from the Kansas Clown Academy. I suppose I’m in good company though. Bill Cosby wasn’t invited to speak this year either.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the valedictorian of our weekly addiction is Nadia Cakestein Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Douglas MacIlroy
copyright – Douglas MacIlroy

Dear Diary,

Uncle Doug stayed with us today while Mommy and Daddy went to the Parent Teacher conference. He took me and Sissy on a treasure hunt.

“You gotta dive deep if you wanna get the good stuff,” says Uncle Doug. He put on a big helmet and told us to pull all the cushions off the couch. Then, he dove in with nothing but his feet sticking out. Sissy got scared.

He came out with a fist full of coins and a black disk he calls a 45. Next week, he’s taking us to the dumpster behind Toys R Us.

Advertisements

36 Comments on “Divan Diving

  1. Lucky kids, learning life skills from a pro. I bet Uncle Doug can find 1/2 a cigarette butt in a sewer drain with the best of them. I watched a street gypsy in Granada, Spain meticulously reuse the remains of found cigarette butts to mix with her dwindling weed to create a fancy tobacco/weed combo. It was fascinating and resourceful. Oh and I liked your flash fiction.

    Like

    • I made some half & half cigarettes to enjoy in the smoking area (no such thing these days) at high school when I was a senior. No one was the wiser and it certainly made my next period class more fun. As I recall, they invited Cheech and Chong to speak at our commencement ceremony.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Guess what I found buried deep within my sofa cushions? An old girlfriend! I thought she’d dumped me! However I wasn’t wrong; once I revived her she did dump me and she took all that change with her too. And it’s The College of Jewish Youngmudgeons. Get it right!

    Like

    • I bet your girlfriend’s name was Mona and it took you all night to revive her with a bicycle pump.

      Youngmudgeons? Now, now, Perry. We all know better than that.

      Like

  3. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Brilliant! I could see it happening … and I’m STILL trying to “unsee” it!

    Five out of five balloon poodles. 😀

    Like

  4. Dear Bubba,

    One has to be on their guard with Uncle Doug and his black disc. Nothing like dumpster diving to get your stink on. Perhaps you heard my address to Cake Decorators Anonymous. I really spread it on thick. 😉

    Shalom,

    Nadia

    Like

    • Dear Nadia,
      I did hear your address. It was not only sweet, but colorful as well. I especially enjoyed your 12 Step program on how to become addicted to the use of purple icing.

      Uncle Doug seems to carry a disk with him everywhere he goes. I do wish he’d come visit again. I miss that old fart.

      Bubba

      Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, I agree. And couches are the perfect training ground. Unfortunately, there is usually some nasty, two-year-old petrified food pieces in there also. A helmet and gloves is a good idea.

      Like

  5. Loved this, Russell! I think Uncle Doug should ensure all wear gloves… M&Ms do eventually melt…

    Like

  6. Uncle Doug sounds like a guy you could have fun with. They don’t make many uncles like that nowadays. Good one.

    Like

    • Oh, I don’t know. I thought I was a pretty fun uncle, but then all my nieces and nephews grew up and became adults. Leaving me as the only child.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Hilarious, Russell. Removing the cushions would be my limit. I won’t dive further than that. I’ve watched so many CSI programs on TV I’d be afraid to dumpster dive anymore. Uncle Doug sounds live a fun guy. That’s a good way to supplement his retirement fund. Well done. 😀 — Suzanne

    Like

    • Are you thinking there might be some murder weapons in there?
      Uncle Doug is a fun guy. Unfortunately, people don’t carry cash like they used to and it’s really cut down on the amount coins you can find in couches and underneath car seats. We used to raid the furniture and the cars and get at least 3 or 4 dollars.

      Like

  8. My grandfather would have loved Uncle Doug. He took me to the dump every Saturday when I was young and still willing to go on such adventures with old men. Those were the days when the dump was just an open pile of everything people didn’t and did want. My grandfather dumped the stuff he went there to dump and then scoured the place for treasures with “The Dump Guy” (aka the Management or the Curator). I stayed in the car, tried not to listen as my grandfather asked how much The Dump Guy would pay for me, and swatted Kamakzi flies. Let’s make America great like that again, eh?

    Like

I'd love to hear from you

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Mandie Hines Author

Horror, Psychological Thrillers, Flash Fiction, and Poetry

The Phantom Rem

Stories From Within

Lorna's Voice

Finding ways to make words sparkle

The Incoherent Ramblings Of A Moose

This is the blog of a woman who is seriously on the edge and I mean right ON the edge…no, not there… just a little bit further… further than that…no, further still…just a tiny bit more… just move slightly to the right a little…no, that’s too much…just move a tad to the left…that’s right, just there…now you’ve moved too far to the left… Damn, what part of the ‘on the edge’ do you not understand? Oh, and her matricidal boy genius, come devil spawn.

Sharing sarcasm, snark, and satire with the world...

Or the three people I guilted into reading this blog, whatever.

Rochelle Wisoff-Fields-Addicted to Purple

Growing older is inevitable. Growing up is optional.

Problems With Infinity

Confessions of a Delusional Maniac

ParkInkSpot

I may make you feel, but I can't make you think.

TheDustSeason

All the Blogging That's Fit To Print

www.immodiumabuser.com

AS I TOLD THE GIRL THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO, THANKS FOR LAUGHING AT ME HERE TODAY.

Dimitris Melicertes

I don't write, I touch without touching.

Lame Adventures

A Humor Blog

Linda Vernon Humor

Stylistically Abusing Language for the Betterment of Mankind

TALES FROM THE MOTHERLAND

Straight up with a twist– Because life is too short to be subtle!

Lori Ericson, Author

An author's perspective of mystery and more.

The Best Things in Life

And the worst things. And all that weird stuff in between.

%d bloggers like this: