Le Plane, Le Pain

Remember those thrilling days of yesteryear when you could actually sprint through an airport like O.J. Simpson in those Hertz commercials? This is before he’d killed anyone—except those who died from over exposure to poor acting in “Naked Gun.”

And who can forget that classic movie, “Airplane?” It’s still hard to believe the Academy passed over Lloyd Bridges for Best Supporting Actor. The writing was amazing. Here’s an example; “I guess the foot’s on the other hand now, isn’t it, Kramer?” (Striker)

Our flight attendant for this week’s journey across the friendly skies of Friday Flash Fiction is the lovely and talented, Violet Jessop Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to book a reservation on this weekly flight of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Rich Voza
copyright – Rich Voza

“It was supposed to be a joke.”

“Well, it wasn’t funny.”

“I never dreamed they’d take it that far.”

“What did you expect, Ken? They work for the government. They have no sense of humor. Now, we’ve missed our plane.”

“But it was just a couple of metal ink pens.”

“A couple? They counted fifteen. One in every pocket and open seam of my overcoat. After the metal detector went off the third time, I knew I was in trouble.”

“I feel bad about the full-cavity search, Barbie.”

“Don’t worry. When I’m able to straighten up, you’ll get yours.”

This is based on a true story. The names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. The lady in question was the sales manager for a company we did business with in Omaha. Ironically, the metal inks pens used in this prank had their competitors name stamped on them. Truth really is funnier than fiction.

29 Comments on “Le Plane, Le Pain

  1. I love your choice of names. What an unlucky situation. I’ll never forget when my 3-yr old was wanded. Great truthful fiction, Russell. 🙂


    • I can understand the TSA’s concern. Toddlers have been known to hide stink-bombs in their diapers or pull-ups, and sneak contraband bourbon aboard inside sippy-cups. They’re sneaky little rascals. You have to keep an eye on them at all times.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I never did trust Barbie, especially with that plastic smile. I’d put both her and Ken on the terrorist watch list.


  2. Oh, that Ken is a stinker (much like the last pen found). My mom has an artificial thigh bone from a cancer operation. She and I laugh at how much she set off alarms at the airports. She got wanted, naturally. And, get this, her name actually is Wanda! Haha! She’s a little too frail to fly anymore, but we still talk about her being the bionic woman.

    Five out of five Midges.


    • I hear Israel has a closet-like box for passengers to go into which detonates any type of explosive you might be wearing. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but sounds like a good solution.


      • No, I haven’t heard that but it does sound reasonable.

        Let’s ask our resident expert. She dropped her passport in Germany once.

        [Over Intercom] Oh, Violet Jessop! Paging Violet Jessop …


    • I agree. He should have stopped at 3 pens. My three granddaughters are training for TSA jobs. Every time they come to our house, they spend hours undressing Barbie & Ken. So far, no explosives, but I feel safer knowing the girls are looking out for Grandma and me.


  3. Dear Ken,

    I once had to be searched in an airport because I made the mistake of wearing overalls. The buttons and hook set off all the bells and whistles. Flying so much fun…what happened to the friendly skies of Untied? Good luck with all those pens. Very suspicious. Jan had his nail clippers confiscated once. Dangerous weapon you know…the size that fit on a key ring. But the all time best was last Christmas when he had his unopened Port Wine cheese confiscated.


    Violet Jessop, Survivor of Titanic FF stories.


    • Dear Violet,
      When searching for your name for this week, I knew I’d found a winner with this particular hue and shade of color. Also, her role in history was fascinating, which would be another attraction.

      I once went through an airport in Appleton, Wisconsin and watched an elderly white couple in their 80s get searched and their suitcases emptied and ransacked while a Muslim man about age 30 was allowed to walk through without question. Our country is clearly ran by idiots.

      Happy flying,

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I never trust a person who can’t quote at least 5 lines from “Airplane”.

    Assume the crash position. Sure picked a bad week to stop sniffing glue. There’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
    Every seen a grown man naked?
    First time? No, I been nervous lots of times.
    You’re welcome.


    • You picked some of my favorite quotes. Every time I watch that movie, I picked up something new that slipped past me before. I would love to help write a script like that one.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. the plight of writers… they must carry extra pens in case of emergencies just as some folks bring extra pairs of underwear when they travel. 🙂


  6. My sister just returned from Florida where her daughter lives. Her daughter has some health issues and her symptoms were flaring up right before my sister and her family had to catch their flight home. By the time they arrived at check in my sister was red eyed and crying from the helplessness of not being able to stay with her daughter. TSA saw her as suspicious and she got treated to a cavity search.


  7. Hilarious, Russell. It’s even funnier that it’s true. I heard of a couple of businessmen who were joking about a bomb, and you’re right. The guys at the airport had no sense of humor. They were detained and their company had to bail them out. I would guess they lost their jobs. I remember the “Men in Black” episode where one line was, “I’m not aware that we at the FBI have a sense of humor, ma’am.” Border guards are about the same. My husband, who’s Indian, traveled to Mexico with an American friend on business, and the border guards thought he looked like a known Mexican trouble maker. His friend thought it would be funny to say he didn’t know my husband who had to sit to one side until a lengthy check was made. On that occasion, my husband wasn’t amused either. 😀 — Suzanne


    • That line from “Men in Black” is spot on. Perhaps they run them through some kind of deprograming to remove their sense of humor before turning them loose on the public.


  8. Oh dear. What a funny story – but what a terrible thing for the real ‘Barbie’ to have gone through., I hope her final threat to the practical joker was carried out in the real life version.


  9. I am sure “Barbie” had a few ideas on where to put those pens, I wonder if it works the same if you take a few bad puns on board?


  10. Hilarious! Although I can see why Barbie was miffed. Also loved the Airplane quote in your introduction – it produced an audible snort. I’m still reeling from the loss of Leslie Nielsen. Has it really been six years?! Time to dig out the DVD I think!


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