No Longer #1


Bad news for Arkansas

We longer lead the nation

Here in Arkansas, it’s not often we get to brag about leading the nation in any particular category. With our puny number of electoral votes (6), presidential candidates rarely even bother to stop in for a cup of coffee.

People from other states tend to view us as backwoods hicks who rarely look beyond the nearest limb on the family tree when choosing a mate. We have a long tradition of being near the bottom in education, economics, and average number of teeth per capita.

That’s why today’s headline in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette hit most Arkansans like a sucker-punch in the beer gut. We worked long and hard to earn the Obesity title. It took years of potlucks, bar-b-ques, and all-you-can-eat buffets, plus an unwavering dedication to stay away from any kind of physical activity that might cause us to lose one precious ounce.

Now, those damn Cajuns from the south have not only stolen our title, but kicked us out of the top five. It’s embarrassing, I tell ya. I hope everyone in the state is as outraged as I am.

Tomorrow starts a new season of college football. This means one thing–tailgating. I challenging everybody in the state to toss out their salads and boycott light beer. Let’s put on our big boy pants with the elastic waistband, and park our butts on the sofa with bucket of fried chicken, a bag of Doritos, and case of dark beer.

Louisiana may hold the title now, but if we all pull together, and sign that pledge card to gain at least five pounds, by this time next year we can once again proudly scream,

We’re #1!


16 Comments on “No Longer #1

    • Getting on the roof might burn too many calories. Better just throw it in the hog pen or feed it to the chickens. They like greens.


    • I recommend you start your day with a double-helping of biscuits and gravy, then a dozen donuts for mid-morning snack. At lunch, have an extra-large double cheeseburger with fries and for the evening meal, two thick-crust pizzas and a pitcher of beer. There’s your prescription. Considered yourself urged. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Okay, Russ. I’m telling you about this because I truly care about you and you seem to be very competitive in that couch-potato, rah-rah-pass-me-the-super-sized-nachos way. So there’s a guy I know who bought up like two truckloads of decommissioned Planters Cheez Balls. I think he’s either saving them for some kind of secret/suicide/surprise attack against the mid-section of some country or he was going to send them into outer space when we colonize Uranus. But(t) I think that he would be willing to talk to you about reclaiming your big-ass seat as #1. Lemme know. Arranging this deal may take some time. This guy is hard to reach. He’s working on buying all the Frank ‘N Stuff Weiners he can find. No easy task. He’s starting in New York…


    • Thanks for the tip, Lorna. My guess is he’s saving them for inauguration day in the event the orange-crested blowhard wins the presidential election. Personally, I’d rather see them go to Uranus.

      Have him give me a call. Getting back the title is a real priority here in Hog Country.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I imagine that dropping little orange balls that turn to dust would be an appropriate response to a Trump win. Excuse me, I have to sanitize my keyboard because I typed those words…


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Mandie Hines Author

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